Self-Compassion

03 Jul Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s ‘Self-Compassion – the proven power of being kind to yourself’ is a guide to how and why developing self-compassion is an invaluable tool for resilience. Neff offers practical steps to becoming more self-compassionate, and unpicks the pre-requisite ingredients.

As a result of the internalised expectations from unsupportive care-givers, competitive education, driven work environments and abusive systems and systemic cultural norms and social media, a judgemental inner voice is often running inside us.

In working with people who are coping with the challenges of grief, I often discover how much they are giving themselves a hard time, which exacerbates the emotional turmoil they are already facing. People often believe they are wrong in some way. They imagine they are grieving to hard, too long, not enough, or not in the right way. Teaching simple tools for self-compassion is an essential part of the Grief Tending approach we use. Kristin Neff explains the research that supports the benefits of self-compassion.

Neff defines self-compassion as requiring self-kindness, recognising our common humanity and mindfulness. Ending a habitual tendency for self-criticism requires regular self-nurture and care. She explains ways to do this like a self-hug which releases oxytocin in a similar way to a hug from another. Our nervous system usually responds positively to caring touch, which soothes. Learning to recognise our needs is the beginning of the way to shift from inner judgement to care.

Through Grief Tending, people often uncover a sense of shared humanity. It is powerful to experience that we are not alone with our suffering. The “suffering with” others of compassion is another piece in allowing ourselves more self-kindness. Neff’s research-based work looks at self-compassion as a personal strategy. She focuses less on the context in which we suffer, our external circumstances, which may be integral to our agency to practice self-compassion.

A mindful noticing of our emotional states is necessary to recognise them and offer ourselves kindness. People often understand the grief of bereavement, but may fail to register how many other sources of suffering they are carrying. Developing our self-compassion also builds our capacity to hold others,

“Our research shows that self-compassion allows us to feel others’ pain without being overwhelmed by it. It other words, when we recognize how difficult it is sometimes to be there for people who are struggling, and comfort ourselves in the process, we are able to be stronger, more stable, and resilient when supporting others in their suffering.”

“It’s not as scary to confront emotional pain when you know that you will be supported throughout the process.” Self-compassion is a way to manage our pain, by acknowledging hurt, and offering simple caring touch. Reading ‘Self-Compassion’ is a first step. Building habits around self-kindness is what may make the difference when we are coping with loss and emotional hurt.

For Grief Tending workshops in London and online see here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here.