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09 Jun Different Grief Ritual Sizes

Different Grief Ritual Sizes

Whatever the size or format of the Grief Tending rituals and events we offer, they all follow a similar shape, and include the same arc of experience. We begin by building connection within the group, and calling on support. Then we offer exercises to help surface feelings. A central grief ritual allows emotions to be expressed, and then we are welcomed back into community. This is followed by gentle soothing. Towards the end, we do some tasks to help us integrate our experience of the session before closing.

A Big Grief Ritual

The Embracing Grief Team and Sophy Banks are holding ‘Tending the Heart’, a 4 Hour Grief Tending communal grief workshop in London with the capacity for up to 100 participants plus a large team to provide support. It has the potential to be a powerful experience, an opportunity to share a big grief ritual with many others.

Small Group Grief Workshops

The size of the group we are in effects the shape and impact of the event. In our small group workshops in London, the maximum capacity is 12 participants plus 3 Grief Tenders in the team. At this size, everyone will be able to hear something from each person. A small group allows everyone to feel connected. It is intimate. We may feel visible, which may be both exactly what we hope for, and uncomfortable for some. The facilitators will have direct contact with each group member. There is usually an option for stepping into a quieter space, or having a one to one chat with a team member if needed, to support someone’s ability to participate.

Medium Size Grief Workshop

In a medium sized group of 13-24, there is usually a bigger team supporting the participants. There may be exercises in small groups, where intimate sharing is possible. But not everyone will hear from each person. A group ritual is likely to have more energy than in a small group. There are more potential connections to make, so it may feel less intimate, but also provide more opportunities to meet different people or find those with shared experiences. The group itself may be a dynamic mix of people. The facilitators will still have direct contact with every member of the group. We have capacity for up to 20 participants plus team at our new venue in Devon.

Big Grief Ritual Events

We design the format of the session to accommodate the size of the group. We also take into consideration the surroundings. In a large event with more than 25 people, everyone will not necessarily meet or hear from each person. The group itself takes on more of a holding role. The facilitators will hold the space and steer the energy of the whole group, but not have direct contact with every person.

The big workshops and community rituals which we have held at festivals have comprised 150-200 + participants, depending on the available space. This may allow people to feel more anonymous, to try the practice with less self-revelation. Strong singing and drumming may happen in a big group, offering another layer of community holding. This kind of stimulation and noise may also be overwhelming if sensory processing is challenging for someone.

Grief Tending rituals with Sobonfu Somé, one of the main conduits of Grief Tending as a practice, would regularly hold huge groups. When a gathering of this size comes together, there is opportunity for a very potent ceremony.

People often have different needs, and understanding these different grief ritual sizes may help someone recognise what is right for them. Our frequently asked questions page includes more information about different formats of event – such as online or in person, one or two day events. You can see more about Grief Tending, and different workshops here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here. 

14 May ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ – A Film About Love, Loss and Belonging

The Wilderness of Grief

‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ is a moving portrayal of a family navigating love, loss and belonging. The film captures how grief shows up in many forms. We see the family’s struggles to navigate change. It is unusual to see the intimacy of grief revealed, as it often remains private, and undocumented. Over time, we discover how the family meets the challenges, through the beautifully captured micro details of their relationships with each other and the world around them. This documentary film may resonate with different experiences of the wilderness of grief for its audience.

Loss of Hopes and Dreams

In everyday life, grief manifests as a range of natural emotional responses to many kinds of loss, change and absence. This includes bereavement, as well as other forms of separation, longing or change.

One of the ways in which grief plays out in ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ is in the loss of hopes and dreams. We see multiple elements of grief in the film, as one impact sparks an unravelling of layers. Nik and Maria have chosen to create a sustainable lifestyle, home-schooling the 3 younger children, but the future they have imagined together crumbles.

Secondary Losses

When grief impacts us with one loss, separation or tragedy, there may also be other associated losses, endings or changes. Some of these ‘secondary losses’ or consequences may dramatically affect the life of someone who is already grieving. The death of a loved one for example, may start a whole connecting set of losses like dominoes falling. This may cause a bewildering and devastating impact on all those involved.

Our Existing Emotional Landscape

Each person’s grief is unique. When something happens in our life, like the death of someone close to us, it doesn’t arrive in a neutral environment. It lands in our existing emotional landscape. What impacts have come before, may define how this new event adds to our current grief load. Are there unresolved issues, previous losses, absences, childhood traumas, minority stresses, or other pressures that might affect how we deal with what is happening in the present? There isn’t usually a neat and easy pathway to follow, but we may turn away from the feelings; and then when we have capacity, move to face into grief.

Additional Factors to Grieving

If we are well supported, and resilient enough to experience the emotional storm, we may be able in time to grow through grief. When the death of a loved one happens, there are many factors that will affect our ability to cope. What was our relationship like? Did we have time to prepare for their end-of-life? Were the circumstances traumatic? Are we accepted by their friends and relatives? Are we separated from home? How resourced are we?

Finding Enough Support

In order to meet the challenges of grief, we need enough support, and resources to manage our circumstances. A supportive community around us in the wake of loss, is really helpful. Feeling a sense of belonging and shared values may enable us to feel held by family or community. If this is not available, it may be yet another reason to grieve. There are ways that the family in ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ are making ‘alternative’ choices. Belonging becomes an important longing, as each person learns to adapt to new circumstances.

When we are grieving in a grief-averse culture, it can really amplify the sense of being an outsider. Whether there are people around us who are ‘grief literate’ and willing to listen without judgement or fear matters. We also need people to help with practical jobs that are beyond our capacity. It is important to be able to reach out to ask for and receive the support that may be available to us.

Simple practices that help us to take care of ourselves are essential. In the wake of loss, juggling the needs of everyone at home, and having space to be with grief may be complex. As a parent in a grieving family, it can be difficult to find what supports you, as well as helping children to adapt and grieve at the same time.

Grieving Style

Our grieving style is one of the things that will affect our ability to grieve well. Our personality, history, socialisation, cultural norms and even our neurobiology will make a difference in how we experience feelings and express grief. When things are too much to bear, we may find ourselves overwhelmed or numb. We may feel a confusing mix of anxiety, rage, despair, guilt, and deep sorrow. There may be relief, gratitude and love present too. These are all normal responses to life’s challenges.

There are many ways to allow the natural expression of grief – whether quiet or loud. If we can find kindness, without judgement, (from ourselves or others) it can ease our journey through the wilderness of grief. Shame is also often present where others are suggesting that it’s time ‘to move on’. Grief doesn’t have a sell-by date. Space to be with our own grieving process, for as long as it takes, is a more useful frame. We don’t ‘heal’, but may in time, be able to grow our life around the grief.

Rituals to Manage Change

Rituals can help us to manage change. In ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ we see the family create some of their own rituals to mark the passing of time, to remember and to honour what is important. You may have an existing belief system with a known set of practices around rites of passage. For those without a particular faith, choosing what to do and how to mark significant moments may be more unknown. There are many possibilities available to the ‘spiritual but not religious.’ There are often many ways to experiment and make your own personal or family rituals.

Sometimes the small ways to honour someone or something are supportive and healing. It may be as simple as lighting a candle, writing a letter to someone to tell them you love them, placing an offering of flowers by a photography, or placing hands together on the earth. Community rituals are another great way to step from one phase of life to another, or to process grief.

Grief for the Earth

From the opening of the film, we find ourselves embedded in wildness. Our guides are parents who believe in teaching their children to respect the natural world. Their choice is to live sustainably ‘without taking more than we need’. Earth grief, and the collective pain of climate disruption and bio-diversity loss are the implied context of ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’. An awareness of the disconnection from nature in an extractive, and digital culture is the wider grief that provides the context for the setting of the film. Maria and Nik have set out to live in close connection with the cycles of nature, and the family find themselves understanding more about what it means to live and die, to be part of the cycle of life.

Imagining a New Future

From the impacts of loss, and ruptures with their chosen lifestyle, we watch the family move towards a re-imagined future. Belonging isn’t easy. Each person has to step into vulnerability, and risk something to grow up. Finding their way to make a new life takes us on a moving and inspiring journey. The love of what is lost remains. Grief is hard to bear, but sometimes, through experiencing it, there can be a deeper-meaning integrated into our lives.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. She has a close relationship with local urban wildlife, and chosen family in Hackney, London. For more information about Grief Tending events see here. For a review by Sarah of the film ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ see here.

23 Jan Stages of Grief?

The Origins of the 5 Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross originally defined ‘The 5 Stages of Grief’ in 1969, when she was working with the dying. These stages were never intended as a route map for grieving. Kübler-Ross was a pioneer whose work with the dying brought many valuable insights into end of life care. Her book ‘On Death and Dying’ is a classic text in care for the dying. She later revised her thinking and described overlapping and incomplete stages, the 5 Stages intended only as a loose framework, and re-defined as the ‘Kübler-Ross Change Curve.’

The Stages of Grief Model May be Unhelpful

Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance have been absorbed into popular culture and spread widely. They sometimes include additional or varying stages – shock at the beginning and meaning at the end to comprise 7 Stages of Grief. If you were to ask most people what they know about grief, “the five stages of grief” will be a common answer. What isn’t so widely known is that our understanding of grief stages have been updated both by Kübler-Ross and subsequent bereavement researchers. There are now more theories about grief and loss.

Each Grief Journey is Unique

The problem with reducing the messy, unpredictable landscape of grieving into a series of neat stages is that it offers an image of grieving that doesn’t match people’s experience, and may make them feel that they are doing grief wrong. Each grief journey is unique, and has its own trajectory and pace. Francis Weller’s description gives a much clearer picture of the raw, intense, and wild storms that grief often brings:

“Grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions. It is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture. Because of that, grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears, grief is suffused with life-force…. It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.”

Grief is Messy

While some of the feelings described in the 7 stages of grief may be in the mix, the whole territory is vast. Sorrow comes in all shades from sobbing to quiet despair. Grief may include fear – everything from anxiety to terror. It may include anger – from frustration to rage. Overwhelm may manifest as disconnection. Feeling numb may manifest as busyness, and yes, not feeling is an expression of feeling. There may be the bitter sweetness of love and gratitude.

Our relationship with who or what has been lost may be complicated. Guilt, shame, envy, remorse or relief may be present too. There are many emotions and ways to feel and a variety of ways to express grief too.

Symptoms of Grief

The experience of grief may include some or all of the well-known grief stages as well as a range of other emotions. It may also include a whole range of physical symptoms. Disruption to sleep patterns and changes in appetite are extremely common. Disturbances in thought patterns may include repetitive thoughts, flash-backs, brain fog and a chronic inability to concentrate. Memory might not be functioning well as we try to make sense of what happened. Physical aches and pains may appear to have a symbolic component; a broken heart that literally aches, an unsupported sore back, or unfamiliar tension that manifests as a pain in the neck. There may be all kinds of gut responses as well as swallowing down what we feel with food.

What Should Grief Look Like?

Grief is a wide range of natural responses to loss, absence, suffering, or change. Instead of a fixed set of grief stages, the experience is often more chaotic. Emotions, moods and symptoms may all come and go, or persist over time. The nature of what has caused the situation will also be part of the picture. Has the impact, injury or situation happened suddenly? Does it have a traumatic element? Is the experience complicated by a complex set of circumstances or a difficult relationship? Is what has happened perceived as unusual in some way? Are there other secondary losses or changes as a consequence of the first?

How Long Does Grief Last?

I often hear people measure themselves against a perceived state of acceptance (Kübler-Ross’s 5^th stage of grief). Bereavement or loss changes us. It doesn’t just come to visit and then leave when we reach a certain stage. When we lose something significant in our lives, we change to adapt to the new shape of our circumstances. Our ability to grieve well can affect how we handle bereavements or losses, and make a real difference to our mental health. Rather than a path from stage 1 to 7, I prefer the metaphor of an ocean. As grief comes in, waves crash over us, often one after another. We may be submerged by big waves and knocked off our feet. At some point, the tide turns. Waves will still crash against us, but may be less frequent, and less ferocious.

Why is Grief Hitting Me Hard?

As well as the ‘what happened’, to cause my grief, the context of it – the surroundings that it happened in – will also affect how it is experienced. A significant loss may come into a situation where mental or physical health is already poor. Other losses may have been piling up. There may be a history or trauma, violence or oppression that this particular grief appears in the midst of. If we are from a marginalised community, we are also statistically likely to experience more losses. Something may happen in an environment where there is not enough support to hold us. Our surrounding community (or lack of it), our resilience, our resources, will all play a part in how each impact of grief lands into our lives. Do we face layers of challenges, mor do we have enough support to lean into in order to turn towards what ails us?

Understanding Grief

Grief can be scary. A little psycho-education goes a long way. People are hoping for a map – like the stages of grief – to help them navigate the unknown. There are some great models that can help us understand the journey through grief.

Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing Around Grief‘ model – showing jars of increasing size, brilliantly describes how we grow and develop, to accommodate loss, becoming greater in capacity ourselves rather than shrinking grief over time.

The ‘Dual Process Model‘ (Stroebe and Schut) is another practical way to understand grieving. Rather than describing stages of grief, this model describes co-exisitng processes. Being loss-oriented sits alongside being restoration oriented. Part of us is preoccupied with our emotional experience, while at the same time life continues, which may include practicalities, responsibilities, resourcing, and encourages us to recognise times when we have permission to focus on other things if we are able. The focus between grief and life changes over time.

How Do I Learn to Grieve?

Learning to mourn is a skill. There are tools that can help us. It can be really helpful if we understand more about this natural process. Unfortunately, many people avoid the subject. The bereaved may feel contagious, as though grief is catching. Those around them often fail to know how to be with them or what to say.

I wish ‘how to be with grief’ was taught in schools. How comfortable we are with our own history of loss will communicate without words. To support others, it helps that we have attended to our own grieving. When we avoid the small things that trouble us, they build up. Emotional laundry is as important as washing our clothes.

Allowing time and space to slow down and feel is a key to tending our grief. There are many simple practices to be with grief and release – through breathing, noticing sensations, movement, singing, being in nature, creative exercises and using ritual and ceremony. Reading poetry, listening to music or watching films on the theme may also touch us and allow us to connect with feelings. Sharing with others is a great practice to discover the connection that builds through expressing vulnerability.

Is My Grief Stuck?

There are different ways grief can feel ‘stuck’. We may feel too disconnected to feel anything. We may have needed to bury our emotions because it wasn’t safe enough, or we didn’t have enough support to grieve in the past. The job of grieving may sometimes wait until our conditions are more spacious and supportive. This can lead to months or years before we have capacity to process something. Things may surface later in life. In the present, unexpected feelings may be activated. Sometimes the necessary adaptations from the past no longer serve us, and we choose to explore more deeply, to feel more fully.

The way we were socialised – by gender, or family, or circumstances may also contribute. Many of us have been encouraged not to show emotions, or cry. Sometimes our grief may have left us in a state of freeze. Something shocking or terrifying may have happened. We may not have enough support to have risked thawing. We may feel that our grief is too big to risk feeling. It can feel that if we open up big feelings, we will be submerged and never return.

For whatever reason, there may be a sense of stuckness. It may manifest as physical symptoms or dis-ease. And our grieving style or neurobiology may mean that the way we express grief is less outwardly visible. To open up stuck feelings, it is helpful to have support in place. This may be a mix of people, practises and resources. Grief Tending is one way to encourage the flow of emotions and energy to move through us.

When We are Ready to Tend Grief

Grief Tending is a practice where we learn skills that help us move towards feeling, and also how to return from grief states. In Grief Tending, we recognise all the different ways we may experience and express grief. We acknowledge a broad range of causes of grief as well as the loss of a loved one. We witness people coming together, and risking vulnerability. Some may come with grief that is flowing. For others grief may feel absent, stuck or confusing.

The exercises we offer may allow feelings to shift. We encourage tending to what arises – allowing rather than forcing. Tending to grief is about giving space for what is rather than prescribing or judging how grief should look or feel. We use exercises where we move towards feelings then return to support. Allowing the breath, body and emotions to move is a way to bring flexibility to our inner experience. This may help us to navigate our growth through grief.

Turning to Face Grief

Our bodymind system may desperately want to avoid grief. So often people don’t know how to grieve well. Many have not had wise elders to show them, or practices to learn; or enough emotional holding to dare to go there. When we are ready, and have enough support in place, Grief Tending can be a sensitive and caring way to turn towards grief, to lean into feelings. In a Grief Tending group, we come with the intention of sharing something of our grief together in a group. We will experience both expressing something of our unique experience, and also be a witness, part of the holding of others. This can give a profound insight into our shared humanity, and also how to be with another who is suffering.

Find Grief Tending events online and in London here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

15 Aug Grief Circles

Embodied Support for Grief, Using Creativity, Ritual and Grief Circles

In today’s world many people long to return to places where grief is spoken of, where we can find connection and name our truths. There are many practices where a grief circle is central, and Grief Tending is one of them. In Grief Tending, we set an intention to move gently towards feelings. Before a grief circle we use exercises that help to make people feel comfortable enough with the process to be able to participate. A grief circle is a ritual where feelings make be expressed. At the end we use practices to move back to rest and digest mode, to soothe our nervous systems once the grief circle is complete.

Our Ancestors’ Circles

Since people have been on this earth, they have gathered in circles. Our ancestors sat with a fire at the centre, and the crackle of logs, the scent of smoke. People all over the world and throughout time gathered to find warmth, tell stories, sing songs and speak from the heart. In places and organisations where we depend on plastic chairs, and electric light, rather than the glow of a fire, we may long to return to the practice of gathering in circle in nature. Despite modern environments, grief circles continue to be meaningful to participate in.

Grief Circles in Grief Tending

In Grief Tending we include embodiment, creativity and ritual in our events, and the way in which we bring a grief circle. When we practice Grief Tending, we often use a grief circle as the central part of the event. When we meet face to face, we use a variety of central practices to express feelings, including grief circles.

A Trauma Sensitive Approach to Grief Circles

Working with a trauma sensitive approach, we structure events so that exercises to focus on embodiment and support happen before a grief circle. During a grief circle we encourage people to take care of their needs. Sharing is always optional. It can be a big step for someone to risk being vulnerable, and be witnessed in a group setting.

And then soothing and integration practices happen after a grief circle.

The Circle is Democratic

Sitting in circle is an ancient and simple format for sharing with others. It creates a non-hierarchical form that can be democratic. Although a grief circle may have a facilitator, they are not above or below anyone else in the space. The voice of each member can be equally represented and heard. In the role of grief circle facilitator, I may share my experiences in the circle (when time allows), which participants often appreciate. Because this mirrors the universal nature of the experience of grief. The facilitator is also part of the circle whether they share or not.

Grief Tending in Community

Grief Tending is a practice that happens in community, and during an event we will make and return to a circle together repeatedly. We invite participants to be part of the holding container, so that each person will at times be a holder, or step forward to express themselves in some way. People who are in the holding role give their attention to witness and acknowledge someone who is sharing something. The person who takes a turn to step into the being witnessed role may speak or sound, sing, move or be silent.

If this is speaking to you, to find out more about the practice of Grief Tending here. And the grief circles we hold here.

Unspoken Truths

People often share things in a grief circle that they may not be able to in other contexts. They may reveal something that they have never told anyone before. There may not be words but feelings that are expressed through sounds, tears, body movements. If it feels safe enough, people may voice something, and through it being seen and heard by others, it can have a transformative effect. Being witnessed can be a very powerful experience.

The Role of Witness

Stories that have been kept secret or feel shameful may be received with the supportive attention of the circle. We invite the group to acknowledge what they have witnessed with simple words, “I see you,” or “I hear you”, but not to offer advice. One at a time people share, and the group receives them and responds without judgement. Hearing one another can be an extraordinary experience too. As Kelly McGonigal puts it, “Listening with your whole body except your mouth”. In the Grief Tending circles we hold, the listeners do not offer reflections or ‘cross talk’ with their own responses to someone else’s story.

How Does a Grief Circle Work?

In a grief circle our experience is welcomed, given space, and seen. Turns to share may be taken starting in one direction, one person after another. Or people may be invited to take turns ‘popcorn style’, whenever they feel ready. In a small group everyone may have an equal turn to share. This may be timed, so that the group’s time is divided equally. Even a small amount of sharing time can be useful. There may be a talking ‘stick’ or a sound, to mark the beginning or end of someone’s time to share. In a large circle everyone may not take a turn to share something. This will depend on the time allowed, the group’s intention, and the agreements set before the circle begins.

The Role of Sharer

Stepping into the role of sharer can feel very intense. As a consequence of previous history, being an introvert, trauma around groups, or being seen, can make this feel either a bit scary or extremely challenging. In the groups we hold, sharing is not an obligation. People may pass if it is their turn. Choosing to take a turn, but remain silent is also a valid way to use the opportunity. It is often the case that people have felt alone, ashamed, overwhelmed, not good enough. But when they share their real feelings with the grief circle, they discover that other people may have similar feelings or experiences.

Vulnerability Builds Connection

Through someone making themselves vulnerable by revealing their inner experience, this deepens and strengthens the connection felt in the group. In response to what has been shared the participants of the holding circle often feel empathy. This can lead to a sense of compassion between people for one another. As a consequence, they may each begin to recognise some similarity in the way they feel. Common themes may emerge amongst participants. As a result, this increases connection between group members.

We Deserve Kindness

Through the grief work that I do, I see windows into people’s inner lives. I regularly see that we are fierce keepers of our hearts to protect ourselves. We often judge ourselves more harshly than others. Many people are scared, anxious, and ashamed. Our inner critic take control, undermining our sense of self worth and confidence. Our unattainable expectations, inner perfectionists and not-good-enough imposter syndrome ties us in knots that keeps us restricted and small.

People Deserve Respect

Recognising this in others can help us see that we also deserve kindness, respect, and a chance to be seen. Malidoma Somé speaks of people’s natural longing to shine:

“Whether they are raised in indigenous or modern culture, there are two things that people crave: the full realization of their innate gifts, and to have these gifts approved, acknowledged, and confirmed. There are countless people in the West whose efforts are sadly wasted because they have no means of expressing their unique genius. In the psyches of such people there is an inner power and authority that fails to shine because the world around them is blind to it.”
Malidoma Patrice Somé  The Healing Wisdom of Africa: Finding Life Purpose Through Nature, Ritual, and Community

The Context That Grief Happens In

Events which spark grief happen to everyone. But they always happen in a context. It is not just the impact of the event itself which may cause grief, but how it was handled afterwards that may have added to feelings of not being held, seen, or protected after the loss or difficult situation. People often arrive in a grief circle after experiences which have not been received with the care and unconditional love which support healing. Therefore, with the holding provided by the members of the group, this is another way in which a grief circle can have a strong and healing effect. Sophy Banks talks about the context of grief in relation to the landscape of trauma in her work on ‘Healthy Human Culture’.

Every Loss is Important

In a grief group it can be tempting to feel that what someone else shared is more important than what I bring. But each loss is important, a true expression of feeling. Consequently, this spectrum of different experiences, and variety of ways of expressing feelings adds value to the whole. I like the image of a jigsaw puzzle. We each bring a different piece. Through each person’s contribution, and the diversity of the group, we make up a more whole picture.

Grief Circle Agreements

Setting up a grief circle requires careful boundary setting. When we facilitate a grief circle, we make agreements with the group beforehand around self-care, confidentiality and mutual respect. This is essential so that people may feel safe enough to participate. We aim to give clear instructions about the different roles of witness and sharer. We also try to give permission for people to be able to respond to the space in a way that works for them.

Boundaries in a Grief Circle

In addition to this, we make clear boundaries about start and end times, as well as making sure we can be in a private space, where we won’t be interrupted. According to the limits of event length, allowing an equal time limit can be a helpful way of maintaining equal value of each participant.

A grief circle can work really well online, as well as in person. In both formats, we like to make a clear threshold at the beginning and end of a grief circle. We usually invite the participants to breathe or sound together so that we begin a process of attuning to one another. Silence is also valuable as we move into a grief circle, but it can also allow the group to drop into a deeper level together.

A Grief Circle is Where the Magic Happens

For me, the trust that has been created before a grief circle starts is crucial. The openness of the participants, the willingness of people to bring their vulnerability, and the capacity of the facilitator to hold the space, all add to the level of communication that the group collectively arrives at. There is also an element of mystery which it feels important to acknowledge. When people come together in a grief circle, something magical can happen. In addition to the conditions that have been set up, the dynamics of each group creates something unique.

Each Circle is Different

I have sat in circle many, many times, and each time it is different. Often there is a huge spread of different kinds of sharing, and sometimes themes emerge spontaneously. There can be a lot of difference between people or similarity. Whether it is large, or small, each circle has been valuable. And witnessing others is just as important as having a space to evoke feelings.

I am Not Alone

When we sit in a grief circle with one another, we may see how other people feel about themselves, which may help us be kinder to ourselves. When I hear that other people share my concerns for the things that are happening personally, locally or globally, it helps me to feel that I am not alone. In addition, I may gain a new perspective by recognising that it’s not just something that only I feel. It’s so easy to make judgements about others, to project our idea of who they are onto them, until we hear about their inner life, or the challenges that they are facing or the history that they carry.

Different Kinds of Sharing Circle

There are many different kinds of sharing circle. They may happen in a village, with an elder or leader, amongst peers in an existing community; or amongst strangers with a facilitator. Many different kinds of groups and organisations use this simple format, because it is as old as the hills and it works. A sharing circle may have a specific theme, such as grief, or a specific client group, such as people who live in this community, or people who have experienced bereavement recently. It is used for conflict resolution work, and for relating with others in many kinds of self-development work.

The Way of Council

‘The Way of Council’ is the format which underpins the grief focussed circles that we hold. Although in a Council, people may be invited to bring whatever is alive for them on any theme.

“The heart of these practices – of listening, learning, living and thinking like a circle – are needed now more than ever.”
Ways of Council

I echo this call for circles, the importance of listening to one another, of sitting with our truths, and the transformative power that this can have in our wider communities.

Grief Tending Often Includes a Grief Circle

In Grief Tending, a grief circle is one of the shapes we use. We may use other rituals according to the physical space, the number of participants, and the length of retreat. And in a Grief Tending circle we welcome different styles of expression, not just words.

You can find more about upcoming Grief Circles and other Grief Tending events here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

08 Mar Grief Tending is a Way to Care for Our Broken Hearts

‘Grief Tending is a Way to Care for Our Broken Hearts’ was originally published as an article for FOYHT.

Why do we need Grief Tending?

Leaning into how we feel, giving time and attention to our emotions, can be a helpful way to process loss. In Grief Tending we do this by sharing with and witnessing others.

In many contemporary cultures, youth is prized. Social media tempts us to show only our best selves, and people often try to think positively in the face of difficulty. It’s easy to forget that our lives are part of a natural cycle, that has limits. There are beginnings and endings, as well as challenges and triumphs in between. Celebrating the ups with friends and family is welcome, but allowing space for our lows with others is more uncommon. Our expressions of grief are often hidden away in private.

Who would benefit from Grief Tending?

A Grief Tending event can offer us the space to be seen and heard without any pressure to solve or mend how we feel.

People often think that grief is reserved for the bereaved. But life brings us many curved balls and transitions, as well as the deaths of people you love. Every loss is significant, and may make us feel tender.

While some people come to a Grief Tending workshop with a broken heart, others may be dealing with depression, or be dealing with layers of disappointment, regret, absence, overwhelm or fear. It isn’t necessary to bring a specific loss to benefit from having time, in a supportive group workshop.

Grief and trauma recovery

Grief is a whole landscape of feelings that may include anxiety, anger, guilt, relief and numbness, amongst many other responses. It is an individual journey that doesn’t necessarily follow a neat route through the Stages of Grief originally proposed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.

Many cultures have had ways to be with grief, but others have lost the elders and knowledge to show us ways to digest our pain. Grief Tending is one kind of grief work, that brings together wisdom from different traditions and teachers including Sobonfu Somé , Francis Weller, Joanna Macy, and Martin Prechtel.

Current research and theories about trauma recovery provide a new understanding of what happens when we don’t have mechanisms to deal with trauma and grief. Gabor Maté sums this up in his recent film ‘The Wisdom of Trauma’,

“Trauma involves a lifelong pushing down, a tremendous expenditure of energy, and to not feeling the pain. As we heal, that same energy is liberated for life and for being in the present. So, the energy of trauma can be transformed into the energy of life.”

Gabor Maté

What does Grief Tending involve?

Grief Tending events happen both online and in person. A short 4 Hour event will allow someone to dip into the experience, whereas in a longer event there is more time to unfold complex stories. A ‘trauma-sensitive’ group will allow participants to work with the exercises in their own way. Groups include guided practices to connect and soothe, as well as a central part where feelings might come forward.

A workshop can be a powerful shared experience, that can help us to bear our suffering. In a group we may learn how to be with others’ losses too.  Participants witness one another, and may find more kindness for themselves and others. This approach to working with grief works well along-side other therapeutic approaches.

Finding the balance between grief and support

When we are settled enough, with some support in place, it is possible to begin to explore grief. Finding support is necessary in order to work with our difficult edges. But we need to have balance in life, to spend time doing the things that we love, remember the people who inspire us, and the places that nourish us too.

In Grief Tending, we encourage connecting with support before and after gently approaching grief. In this way, some of our ‘energy of life’, may resurface. When we dare to face our feelings, it can reconnect us with ourselves, and those around us.

More about Grief Tending and upcoming workshops.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .