Sarah’s Journal

22 Aug Free Taster Event

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If any of these resonate, come to one of our Taster Events.

• I’ve seen your events, but I don’t know if it’s for me.
• I haven’t heard of Grief Tending, what is it?
• I think I need something like this, but it makes me feel anxious.
• Is this too alternative for me?
• I feel too shy to do this with others.

Some common reasons that people try Grief Tending are:

• I don’t have any space to grieve.
• I feel afraid of the future.
• I feel sad or angry.
• I don’t feel anything.
• I want to connect more deeply to my grief.

In one of our Taster Events you can:

• See and hear the Embracing Grief Team.
• Discover more about the practice of Grief Tending.
• Ask questions.
• Taste the Embracing Grief vibe.

Book here to see all of our upcoming events.
Subscribe to our Grief Tending mailing list by ‘Following with email’.

Contact us if you would like us to offer a Taster event for your organisation or group.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see the Embracing Grief website.

18 Jun Hello This is Death

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“Why did you become a Grief Tender?” People often ask me why I hold Grief Tending spaces. There have been a number of profound experiences of grief and loss in my life. ‘Hello This is Death’ describes one of them. It is an animated hand-drawn book that I made in 2020 while I was learning to animate with Tony Gammidge. It is a series of images using felt-tip, crayon and ink. ‘Hello This is Death’ tells a visual story of my response to the death of my father.

My father died suddenly at 63. It wasn’t my first encounter with death, but it was the first one that turned my life upside down. I was a typically chaotic, naive 23 year old. It was a very intense time for me as I navigated a huge range of feelings, which is normal in any grief process. I reacted very differently to my mother, which added to my confusion.

There were also a lot of practical steps to take care of, many of which I attempted. In ‘Hello This is Death’ you can see some of the ways I responded to the situation. I try to convey the sense of unreality that I experienced, going through my own grieving process, while normal life continued.

When my father died, I felt as though I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t have any skills that were useful. Many people were generally unhelpful, and gave me bad advice. Most didn’t know how to be with someone who is grieving, and even at my father’s funeral someone tried to stop me from crying, just at the moment when I found an outpouring of tears.

Part of my investigation in the decades since he died, has been to find out how to be with death in a better way. I have had the chance to practice being with someone during their final years and last days several times since then. Each time I have learned more about the process of dying, and the practice of grieving.

Watch ‘Hello This is Death’ on YouTube. You can see some of my animated videos about Grief Tending here, and book Grief Tending workshops here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

29 Jan Is This Grief Counselling?

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Grief counselling or bereavement counselling usually happens one to one with a counsellor or therapist who specialises in grief. Grief Tending usually happens in a group with a focus on grief. A Grief Tender facilitates a group using exercises, practices and rituals to connect with feelings.

Grief Tending rituals may include symbolic use of elements – such as pouring water. The participants in the group move between roles; to be griever and then witness or supporter. A group comes together with the intention of sharing grief. This act of communal exploration can provide validation of our experience, and help us to empathise with others. Instead of solely being immersed in our own perspective, we see that others also suffer. People may experience connection with the group that grief counselling alone cannot provide. Grief Tending may profoundly alter someone’s sense of isolation.

Individual grief therapy or counselling can be exactly what we need if we are in an acute grieving process, and unable to switch our attention to other people for the duration of a workshop. Grief or bereavement counselling may also offer the support we need before and after a Grief Tending event. One-to-one sessions and group work are excellent complementary ways of working.

There is more time and attention available one-on-one for people to be heard at length, and to go deeply into their experience over time. It can be important that a therapist has specific knowledge and experience around working with loss. Most therapists and counsellors will be happy to answer questions or be available to discuss this at an introductory meeting. Often our gut response or intuition are the best guides for us to identify the therapeutic approach or practitioner that will suit us.

Many grief counsellors use “talking therapy”. This can be a really helpful approach. It may also be beneficial to find practitioners that work ‘somatically’, including the body. One-to-one bodywork can also be really supportive in the wake of loss. To hear more about the differences between Grief Tending and bodywork, watch ‘On Working With Grief’ with Sarah Pletts and Max Mora.

In Grief Tending we bring together different ways to work with grief, and pay attention to the physical – noticing symptoms and sensations, using movement and non-verbal expression, as well as words. As part of Grief Tending, we encourage people to try the tools we offer as part of an enquiry to find out what works best for them.

Working one-to-one with a grief counsellor, joining a Grief Tending event or working with both are all valid. We may need different things at different times when we are on a journey with grief. Grief Tending isn’t grief counselling, but it may partner grief counselling, or be an alternative to it. Sometimes people come to a single Grief Tending workshop, or choose to come regularly. Others come from time to time, when they need the support of a group.

You can find Grief Tending events coming up online and in London here.

29 Jan How to Stay Sane in These Times

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Keep your hair on! How do we stay sane when everything around us seems out of order? How do we stay calm enough to remain engaged in the world, despite the events around us that are deserving of outrage? There is a paradox for me here. I want to feel ‘the sorrows of the world’ (as Francis Weller puts it). My intention is to be someone who is compassionate, able to hear about the difficult and desperate. I also want to be someone who is able to continue to work for restoration with goodwill, in the face of all that I find distressing.

We will be unable to engage with actions that promote social justice and create positive communities, if we are so overwhelmed by what we find disturbing, and fear for the future,

One way to manage this situation is to titrate the way we receive current affairs. Being compulsively absorbed in social media feeds, or information that activates us may be counter-productive. Maintaining a frequent state of arousal, we may more easily reach emotional boiling point. I limit how much news I hear, avoid listening late at night, and take my news in small doses.

By frequently returning to balance, it can help us to manage our emotional and hormonal states of high arousal. Using tools that help us to decelerate, and return to a state of rest and digest improve resilience. What helps us to feel connected to the here and now in restorative ways? For some, breathing and mindfulness are helpful. For others, physical movement – dancing or swimming work better. Using practices that help us move into calmer states of mind, and improving the flexibility of our nervous system, to move between action and rest is helpful. A digital detox can offer a much-needed break from time to time.

We don’t need to put a lid on our feelings. Having spaces where we can express ourselves, be with our rage, and find like-minded others are important. Sometimes we need to find a place where we can scream – into the earth, sound-proofed in a car, or into a cushion.

Modernity may entangle us in the injustices, and causes of harm around us. I manage the complex feelings, which may include anger, guilt and despair by doing only what I have capacity for. What are you able and willing to do? Volunteer for something you believe in or donate funds to a campaign that aligns with your values, write letters to your MP, or commit to understanding more about a particular cause? Use these meaningful strategies; balanced by activities that are nourishing, resourcing and with time for radical rest.

Grief Tending is one way to connect with others and express the feelings that might otherwise have nowhere to go, or deaden us with lethargy. If grief is not tended, it may become grievance. Martin Prechtel says:

“…when the sorrows of our losses go ungrieved, we are guaranteed another war, or violence breaks out in the streets. Choosing not to have grief when grief is there is to burden someone else with having to do your grieving. The unwillingness to grieve makes people search for someone upon which to project blame for the feeling of the loss they bear, which turns all losses into a war of revenge.”

How many of the sources of grief around us have their roots in untended wounds of the past? Grieving is not only an act of self-care, it is an act that feeds community. It benefits not just ourselves, but those who come after us. The big things affect many when there are collective sources of grief. A collective space can really help us to see that we are not alone with this huge issue. It is powerful to recognise that others are also impacted, troubled, or overwhelmed. I cannot grieve the polycrisis we face alone. I need community beside me, and through sharing with others, we also build networks of solidarity.

For Grief Tending events coming up online and in person, see here.

19 Dec Apprenticing to Grief

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This morning I drew the Bear card from my Druid Animal Oracle Deck. It is the card which represents the marriage of primal power with intuition and ancestral origins. It is also associated with the winter solstice. Bear winters in a cave to contemplate, to resource, to go deep into earth. My personal apprenticing to grief included a prolonged period in the retreat process of chronic illness, a metaphorical cave.

My re-orientation to life after illness happened over time, and diving into the ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ programme in 2019 was an important step in confirming my purpose. Death, and dying are themes which I find compelling and had already been exploring for decades. I saw grief everywhere, yet often un-named, invisible or shunned. It was a relief to discover the practice of Grief Tending. The ancestral roots of Grief Tending are through Sobonfu Somé and the Dagara people of Burkina Faso. It offers the potential for personal and societal transformation. It meets the needs of these times for increasing resilience, by providing skills to repair, resource and re-engage.

In December, the time of the shortest days in the northern hemisphere, I find it helpful to review where I have been over the last year. This time I am using Robert Rowland Smith’s systemic questions in his New Year Self-Assessment. His questions offer provocative prompts for past, present and future. The Year Compass is another great self-reflection tool.

At the last winter solstice, I decided to say “yes” more often when presented with possibilities. “Follow the invitation”, as the advice for my Human Design type suggests. I followed. I said yes to co-designing ceremonies, and co-facilitating many Grief Tending spaces. I found myself being interviewed and interviewing others. I volunteered to teach animation at WAYout Arts in Sierra Leone, stretching into each new opportunity.

Remembering my ancestral roots, as the daughter of an English teacher, I have discovered this year that I really enjoy teaching. I am passionate about changing the way we think and speak around death and grief, using a creative approach. Since I first experienced ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ as a participant, I have been part of the team many times. In 2024, I said yes to co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme with Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres.

The programme is an intense, practical and embodied journey into holding space for grief. People come to share the experience from a wide range of life histories, practices and professions. I find the temporary community that is created a rich experiential learning environment. I really appreciate all the students who have immersed themselves and brought their many gifts to the process.

I am delighted to be co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme again. It takes place over 3 weekends plus 2 evenings online. It is also available as a 7 Day in person programme in the UK. If you have benefitted from Grief Tending and would like to find out more about how to hold it in your communities, and to explore the process more deeply, it’s a great place to experiment.

And if you are longing for a taste of the medicine of Grief Tending, I am co-facilitating one and two day Grief Tending workshops with Tony Pletts, Bilal Nasim and Aama Sade. You can find our events here.

05 Dec Lonely at Christmas

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The season of winter festivals may bring celebrations, and it may also be a time of year when loneliness and depression takes hold. If you are feeling lonely and things don’t look bright through your eyes, the pressure to have a good time can isolate further.

There are many reasons to feel unhappy at this time of year. Grief can feel particularly intense in the absence of loved ones, whether through bereavement or estrangement.

Being with family can also be a source of stress. Family dynamics can be complicated and heightened at Christmas. They may be exacerbated by different values or political views, addiction or anxiety. Tensions may be increased with financial pressures that come with expectations of present giving and consumption of seasonal food and drink.

Grief Tending is one way to approach loneliness and find connection in December and January. Creating a variety of ways to find support is also an important element of a Grief Tending practice. It’s something that we encourage people to think about before, during and after a Grief Tending workshop. Find Grief Tending events here. You can read more ways to find support in this article on Dealing With Grief.

Here are a few suggestions of things that may be supportive, but the possibilities are endless. What works for you? Make a list of simple activities that soothe your nervous system. Talk to someone (about anything). It can be a helpful way to shift our brains into a different gear. Make time to chat with that old friend. Watch something that makes you laugh. Are there crafting activities that engage you? Sing in the shower. Take a walk or get your body moving in ways you enjoy. Feel into your pleasure – what sensations will bring you delight? Cook something delicious, just for you. Spray something that smells lovely in your space. Feed the birds. Have a kitchen disco. Schedule an appointment with someone who offers professional support ahead of time.

It can also counter our feelings of aloneness to volunteer or offer our services to someone who needs them. Crisis are sometimes overwhelmed with supporters at this time of year, but there may be a friend or neighbour who could use your attention.

It can also be helpful to prepare so that we have strategies in place to support our mental health and self-care for times we know will be difficult. Plan for small ways to make connections at times we anticipate feeling lonely. Mind is a great source of information for mental health including tips for coping with Christmas. The Samaritans offer a fantastic listening service, for those who need support, and not just at times of extreme difficulty.

05 Dec Welcome at Wayout

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One of the things I have learned through the legacy of Sobonfu Somé’s teachings, is the importance of a warm welcome. Being welcomed in may have been rare in someone’s life, and the simple experience of being unconditionally welcomed can be powerful for those who come to tend grief with us.

WAYout Arts Worldwide, is a small charity dedicated to providing creative skills and opportunities to disadvantaged young people in Sierra Leone.Tony and I have been volunteering at WAYout in Sierra Leone and online throughout the year. You can donate to this brilliant, small but important charity via their Just Giving page here.

When we arrived to begin our work teaching creative skills at the project, we were greeted by a throng of young people singing and dancing. There was even a full drum-kit providing the beat. This was my first proper African welcome, WAYout style. It was the first of three extraordinary, intense (and overwhelming) welcomes we would experience on our trip, followed by two more when we visited their other outposts – WAYout Women’s Media projects.

As a tourist in Sierra Leone, I experienced the inconveniences of intermittent power, dry taps, pollution and limited food choices. I became increasingly aware of the wealth and resources I have access to. My time there has taught me much about the resilience of people who face the daily hardships of homelessness, hunger, unavailability of water on-tap, unemployment, heat and social exclusion.

For many of the people I met, being exiled from families, school, homes and work brings shame. The absence of basic needs being met, as well as trauma histories, often leaves young people with complex issues. However, the students are hungry to learn. Despite being caught in desperate circumstances, they are motivated to seek new opportunities.

Our Grief Tending approach blends African indigenous practices with contemporary understandings of trauma and neuroscience. It is informed by the work of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé of the Dagara Tribe in Burkina Faso.

We believe in giving something back. With gratitude for the African teachings that Tony, Bilal, Aamasade and I have benefitted from, we offer a percentage of the income from our Grief Tending events to support WAYout, as well as giving our time to encourage their creative education projects and dynamic students.

We’d love to invite you to give back too, especially if you have benefitted from our work. You can donate to the project through their Just Giving page here.

31 Oct How to Remember the Dead

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In the northern hemisphere we put our clocks back one hour and turn towards the darkening of winter. The old festival of Samhain – a time to remember the dead, is now marked with acrylic spiders and festoons of tape marked, “Caution, zombies”. I can’t help thinking of ‘Shaun of the Dead’, which for me is a brilliant metaphor for the disconnection or zombification often necessary to tolerate the drudgery of meaningless work in dysfunctional modernity.

Scratch below the surface of the ghoulish costume of Halloween to find the old way of remembering how to honour the dead. Our deep-time nomadic ancestors would have known of the good pasture created where someone was buried along the path. This connection between composting in the dark months to bring new growth in the spring is often misplaced by the temptation to be only with the light.

It can be a helpful way to tend our personal losses by deliberately making a small gesture or ritual to honour those who came before us, in the growing darkness of the season. Pour a drink and put it by a photograph, or set a place at the table for a special meal to acknowledge someone who is no longer with us in person. Decorating a special place or altar can be another way to honour ancestors, perhaps offering oats, incense or flowers. This may include photos of pets, family and friends who have died as well as personal symbols or icons.

And in these times of war, oppression and unrest around the globe, it may feel helpful to light a candle or pour water for all those who have died. It can easily feel overwhelming to hear news from places where violence is ongoing. A small ritual act – like lighting a candle, reading a poem, offering a prayer may help us to face ‘the Sorrows of the World’ if only for a short time.

And if moving towards the festive season brings ominous dates, anniversaries, anxiety or too much time alone, we offer Grief Tending workshops to soothe our souls in community and find connection.

28 Sep On Working With Grief: A Conversation

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In this video, Max Mora, a bodyworker from Integrated Somatics talks with me – Sarah Pletts, a Grief Tender, about working with grief through the body. Our conversation explores similarities in our understanding of the impact of grief, and our approaches to working with the body.

We tease out the supportive synergy that may happen for someone who has access to both a Grief Tending group process, and more focussed time with a one-to-one bodyworker. Max describes how we both aim to encourage people “at the pace of their nervous system”, when we are working with grief.

As we speak about learning to sit, at ease with emotional discomfort (ours or another’s), Ginger Girl – the cat, makes a guest appearance. She demonstrates the appeal of sitting with two regulated nervous systems. Pets know instinctively how to sit alongside us, to find pleasure when we are calm, and to offer supportive presence when we hurt.

Working with grief in a group, we may discover that “it’s not just me…there’s a magic that happens when we come together.” Max talks of “kind touch”, and how to “meet each other kindly,” as we come into contact with someone who is grieving, and how different that is from the urge to rescue.

We share a similar perspective on creating permission for people to open up and allow whatever is present, without any expectations. Our intention, whether working with grief through Grief Tending or therapeutic touch, is to give space to the whole spectrum of feelings. Working with grief, as Max says, can allow us to “be more fully alive, and able to access joy, to access pleasure and deep belly laughs.” Max goes on to remind us of a very common aversion to the challenge of experiencing grief.

“I want the full technicolour experience of the lovely things, and I’ll have a small version of grieving, because it’s unpleasant.” But we both know, life doesn’t work that way.

You can listen to our conversation here. And find Grief Tending workshops here.

11 Sep The Wheel of Consent

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During my 30’s I experienced burnout. I became chronically ill, exhausted and overwhelmed. It took eight years to recover. I had some excellent guides on the way, and was lucky enough to make my way through to the other side. It was my own bespoke journey into the underworld, where I was required to transform my patterns of over-giving, dis-connection between my body and mind, and finding ways to express being more myself.

Some really key skills that I needed to learn were to connect up my body with feelings, learn how to set healthy limits, and find out what was pleasurable for me. Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’ is a brilliant tool to figure these things out in a practical way.

Learning how to make boundaries is an essential component of communication and relating. We may need more love in our lives, but learning how we meet each other’s edges is key to risking vulnerability, touch and expressing our needs. I often hear the mantra of ‘more love’ spoken in alternative circles, but I long to hear this coupled with, ‘and healthy boundaries’. (You can learn more about how these two archetypes balance each other in the theory and practice of Healthy Human Culture).

‘The Wheel of Consent’ is also helpful in my role as a group facilitator. I use it with the intention of giving options and permission, so that participants are able to find their agency within the group by staying in contact with their needs.

In a workshop or course exploring ‘The Wheel of Consent’, the process is slowed right down. This helps to break down the nuts and bolts of what happens inside ourselves and with others in interactions where requests and desires may be made implicitly or explicitly. I’ve found it really helpful to understand what we might want, places where we haven’t recognised our needs, and who requests and gifts are for.

I was lucky enough to be the practice body in this online course which you can watch for free here. Rose Jiggens and Rupert Alison teach how to use the Wheel of Consent in a ‘3 Minute Game’. It’s a great place to start if you want to learn more. For a deeper dive into the theory, you can read ‘The Art of Receiving and Giving’, by Betty Martin.

Grief Tending is also a great way to learn how to connect with and express feelings. Find out more here.