04 Dec A Dual Process
In London it is suddenly cold. The dark is lengthening, and the colours of autumn can be glorious. For me, the work of grieving involves expanding my capacity to be with both the darkness and the light, both the pain of the world and the beauty in it.
The awareness of grief as something to be acknowledged and spoken about seems to be more accepted in the wake of the COVID pandemic. Normal life goes on despite the suffering that people experience. Global events co-exist in my mind with thoughts about every day needs and desires for good food, sleep and the company of good friends.
I find the ‘Dual Process Model’ theory of grief helpful, to understand the co-existing needs for time to grieve, the continuation of everyday life (which may include other stresses) and developing a new way of being towards integrating loss. Stroebe and Schut’s theory describes an ‘oscillation’ that occurs between ‘loss orientation’, and ‘restoration orientation’, and recognises the necessary attention to life tasks too. We need time to grieve. It is also natural to need time away from an intense grief focus too. They recognise that moving between loss and recovery, can be a helpful way to find more resilience.
The way Grief Tending works is informed by this understanding too. The process involves anchoring in support, and dipping into grief in short bursts before returning to self-care again. It is normal for our grieving and re-orienting towards recovery to happen while everyday life goes on. Creating a threshold can help the expression of grief feel more manageable.
Ritual is one way to make this threshold, by creating a boundary of time and place, setting an intention, and making space for grief to be expressed without feelings flooding out unbidden at other times. For many people the traditions that previous generations were held by are absent, and they are hungry for grief rituals that can help them to contain and yet express emotions.
Grief Tending is not for everyone. And it is not always the right time to try this approach to allowing grief. It is important to honour our defences, which may have good reason to protect us now, as they did in the past. Sometimes we are still too immersed in an immediate crisis, without breathing space to process emotions. We may need to put our attention into finding support and stability before beginning to do this kind of inner work. But it may be just the way to move gently into our ‘stretch’ or ‘learning zone’ that will help ease the movement between orienting to loss and restoration.
Find Grief Tending workshops and events here.
Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.
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