Grief/Loss/Feelings Tag

07 May Involuntary Childlessness

Socialised to be a parent

I remember my life-size doll with her short scratchy blonde hair, painted eye lashes, plastic hands and feet, and soft fabric-cushion belly. She was known as ‘the baby-doll’, and I dressed her in a pink terry-towelling baby-grow, and carried her around, imagining her my real baby. My female socialisation came with many unconscious messages, including the expectation of motherhood. It never occurred to me that I would be involuntarily childless.

Longing to have a baby

My assumption was that I would parent at least two children. This prompted an unrealistic search for male partners, keeping the alternative drivers of my sexuality out of my awareness. Despite my unconventional family and creative education, I saw myself as maternal and I didn’t question this narrative. I longed for a child.

What I assumed was a biological urge, a human imperative to breed, did not match with my ability to conceive and physical capacity, despite eventually being in a relationship where it might be possible. I longed to become pregnant and become a parent. I dreamed about this fantasy altered state, and frequently found my dream-self forgetting I was a parent, and misplacing my child. My internal alarm clock rang for years. I was unaware of the condition that meant I was probably unable to conceive. I had hormone checks, tracked my cycle, stimulated my ovaries with acupuncture and herbs, and made love diligently during ovulation, but conception didn’t happen.

The quiet despair of involuntary childlessness

‘Babies’ is a six-part BBC drama series which explores the subject of longing to have a baby through the eyes of Lisa and Stephen, played by Siobhán Cullen and Paapa Essiedu. Their journey unfolds with complex relationship dynamics between the couple, and parallel relationships with their friends. The desperate longing of the couple to conceive is layered with disappointment when it doesn’t happen. The different oblique communication styles of everyone involved compound the only-too-common tragedy that puts them through the mangle of grief.

This may be an especially intense watch if baby loss is a hot topic for you. And I suspect that watching the struggles of the couple may be a powerful mirror if it resonates with your experience. This is a warm, deeply human, sometimes funny portrayal of loss, hope and vulnerability. In the programme, family and friends of the couple reinforce the tendency to avoid, stay silent, deflect and hide their feelings from others. ‘Babies’ is a brilliant portrayal of a descent into the quiet despair of involuntary childlessness.

Toxic positivity to avoid grief

The social impulses of the protagonists reflect the shocking contemporary British tendency to avoid the subjects of miscarriage and childlessness and carry on. There is plenty of toxic positivity as the characters succumb to the temptation to button down feelings and hide genuine expressions of distress. The mismatch of these communication norms versus the felt experience of heart-shattering grief made me remonstrate out loud as I watched, (although me shouting at the television is not unusual). The template of mainstream contemporary culture as it is shown here meeting grief, is a believable portrayal of how we try to defend ourselves unsuccessfully against pain.

Coming to terms with involuntary childlessness

I was sad but sanguine, when I came to understand that I was not going to be a biological parent. My longing concluded with a period of grieving. I re-oriented my life, choosing to see conception as a gift rather than a right. I was also lucky to be an engaged step-parent, and felt able to accept this role with grace. I love being a step-parent, and am proud that my step-child now has step-children, and I am diving into the role of step-grand-parent.

If I’m honest, part of me was also relieved that I wouldn’t have to endure the challenges of the initiation of birth, and the sleepless nights, relentless care and unanticipated circumstances that often follows the birth of a child. I wasn’t entirely sure that I was strong enough to cope with all that biological parenting might deliver.

Subconscious desires to parent

Longing can be a deep desire to fill an unmet need. It felt important that I examine my subconscious motivations, as well as the more relational and practical aspects of the desire to parent. I longed to love and be loved, and I began to recognise that I couldn’t control how this might or might not happen. Was I hoping to offer to a baby what I hadn’t received enough of myself? As a child I longed for the siblings that never came. I learned of my two still-born ‘ghost’ siblings. My father’s baby brother died five days after birth. Was my own longing part of an intergenerational pattern of wishing for a missing child?

Different routes to parenting

As I explore with the guest interviewees on the ‘Rainbow Mums’ podcast, parenting can happen in many different ways. Blended families and chosen families are normal, and may include different kinds of parents, different modes of arrival, and different kinds of sibling relationships. Some of the interviews feature people who have used donor insemination, or have adopted a child as well as step-parenting. However, it is often the underlying impulse to parent that leads to intense longing, which may end with child-rearing, or may lead to deep disappointment, shame, or a sense of hopelessness.

Increased visibility of involuntary childlessness

For me, the series ‘Babies’ flags just how common issues around involuntary childlessness and fertility are, and how rarely they are shown on television. ‘Babies’ stands out as a realistic and warm-hearted examination of miscarriage and envy. It is just one story in a huge sea of possible human stories that might provoke grief around the theme of conception, birth, infertility and childlessness – whether voluntary or not.

Some reasons to grieve

Traumatic experiences around birth and conception are very common among the people who come to our workshops. People – and I mean people of any gender – may be suffering from direct or indirect experiences around the subject. We believe that every experience of loss, absence, longing or change is worthy of grieving. Some of the experiences that may bring people of any gender to seek a Grief Tending workshop include:

Involuntary childlessness

People may have gone through gruelling struggles to conceive, sustain a pregnancy or be an active parent.

• Miscarriages
• Still births
• Baby loss
• Unsuccessful rounds of infertility treatment
• Early menopause
• Biological infertility
• My partner doesn’t want to have kids
• ‘Social infertility’ (lack of resources or the right partner)
• Exclusion from the life of your child

Voluntary childlessness

Sometimes people make reluctant or pragmatic choices not to parent. They may be choosing not to have a child as a result of concern for their current situation or for the future. Or people may have made choices that they later regret. (When people are happy with the choices they make, they are less likely to want to grieve the outcome).

• Termination
• Social factors (lack of resources or the right partner)
• For environmental or ethical reasons
• I am not stable enough to be a parent
• I don’t want to pass on a heritable disease to my children

Re-parenting our inner children

People may be processing an early experience of their own. Many come to tend their inner child. Sometimes people are born into grief in some way.

• My own traumatic birth
• I was born to a grieving parent
• I was a replacement child after the death of an older sibling
• ‘Ghost’ children in my family who died and weren’t spoken of
• My parent was not available to parent me
• I was abandoned or adopted as a baby
• I was born into an abusive situation
• I was born into intergenerational trauma

Sharing the experience of loss and longing

Breaking the taboo to speak about our experiences of loss, love and longing opens doors to meaningful connections with others. As ‘Babies’ shows all too clearly, superficial banter and keeping positive at all costs imprisons us and fails to let others in. Our natural emotions including shame, self-judgement, envy and longing may feel bewildering. Emotional intelligence grows as we find others whom we can share our stories with, and express ourselves in ways that feel more authentic.

Finding avenues of support

Developing practices that support wellbeing also help us find the way back from heart-break or dysfunctional relating. To grieve well, we need ways to find relief, and people who understand and are able to witness our pain without minimising it. A gratitude practice can also be one way to shift focus back to the things that support us. Finding support in multiple ways is an important step. This may include friends, professionals, and a sense of being held by something greater than us.

Tending Grief is a way to be with our sorrows, while also growing capacity to be with our strength, becoming more resilient. We may do this in groups with others who are able to recognise what we have been through. Grieving in community is one way to connect with others in a supportive group. You can find our Grief Tending workshops here.

Creating meaningful rituals

Rituals can also help us to navigate loss and longing. We can create our own meaningful rituals. There are many different ways to honour or commemorate what has happened or what we longed for. We may have places we can visit to remember a particular loss. We may create a meaningful moment to acknowledge our hopes and dreams too. It can feel profoundly hard when there is no grave to mark the place, or when a being grows but dies un-named. We can create our own designated place of memorial, or action of remembrance. Lighting a candle, pouring water, making a symbol, giving an offering, singing or speaking at an appointed time or day can all provide a threshold to move towards grief and step back from again.

At the end of my attempts to become pregnant, I decided to close the door and stop trying. My partner and I held a small private ritual in which we both spoke the appreciation of our efforts in acknowledgement, and named our sadness. It was a simple but deliberate threshold moment that allowed us to grieve and step forward into the life that we had not imagined.

A symbolic tattoo

The commemorative tattoo in the image above was chosen by a friend. For her, it is a symbolic reminder of her three children who are alive, and their three spirit siblings who didn’t live long enough to join them. “I wanted it to be a talking point and a physical representation of the memories of them”, she says.

Re-imagining the future without children

Through grieving, we make space inside ourselves. After the loss of hopes and dreams, and their mourning, we may need to find deliberate steps to change focus. A personal ritual to honour what has been longed for but not received may be a way to acknowledge what hasn’t happened and let go in order to shift focus and move towards a different creative opportunity. My own switch from longing to creativity has allowed me to re-frame the projects that I continue to birth into the world. As Mary Oliver provocatively asks, “Tell me, what will you do with your one wild and precious life?” I invite gentle encouragement to re-imagine a future with self-kindness and flow into the mystery of what it is to be human.

For more sources of support including Sands who support bereaved families after baby loss, see our links page.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here. 

25 Mar Seeing the Invisible

When Grief is Invisible

Sometimes grief wears an ‘invisibility cloak’, like Harry Potter, and people don’t recognise it. We may need to look closely and ask the right questions in order to find out what is present but appears invisible.

My father had a talent for seeing negative-space. I remember a family holiday in Scotland with my cousins. On arriving at the rambling rented farmhouse, my Dad deduced an absence of internal space. By moving wardrobes unobserved, he found a hidden room. Then he designed a treasure hunt, which revealed the discovery of the secret room as its triumphant end point.

Noticing Absence

This noticing, of what is present but appears absent is particularly helpful when exploring emotional landscapes. I imagine putting on my ‘grief spectacles’ to help me see what might not be apparent to the casual observer.

Absences can be obvious if we pay attention to what or who is not in the room. We might ask, “Which feelings are welcome here?” or “Which demographics aren’t here?” Absences can also be hard to detect. It’s not easy to see what has been persistently absent, or what has never been invited in at all. My sense is that the narrower our experience of difference, the harder it may be to detect what has been normalised and what is not visible.

In the terrain of grief, absence can be a provocation for grief as the source of unmet needs. I am an attention seeker. I am usually happy to perform, to speak in public, to dress up. This comes in part from my own unmet childhood development needs. I was an only child with a bipolar mother. I experienced her lack of attention – as a result of her depression – as neglect. I longed for attention. Instead, we often shared ‘proximal separation’ as Gabor Maté describes a care-giver who is nearby but not able to give attuned presence.

Now I see this as grief, or longing for what wasn’t available. In Francis Weller’s framework, this touches both on ‘The places that did not receive love’, and ‘What I expected but did not receive’, (his second and fourth Gates of Grief).

When Grief Is Unwelcome

For those who are processing the death of a loved one, there is often a pervasive sense that talking about the experience of grief is not welcome – or only in limited ways for a limited time period. In this way, speaking about death is often relegated to private spaces with a caring professional. In addition, there is often an assumption that we can only express grief in ways that are deemed acceptable (rather than the wild waves that unpredictably surge with rage, loud sounds, responses like unexpected changes in sexual desire, and other intense emotions). The reality is that grief may feel unwelcome at best or totally taboo at worst. In this way, grief may become ‘disenfranchised’. As a result, your grief may be at least removed from others’ direct gaze, if not invisible.

Invisible Sources of Grief

So, imagine if the source of your emotional turbulence is not the most recognised and acceptable reason to grieve – the death of a loved one. If bereavement is not the source of your emotional roller-coaster, how does it feel if the very real and natural symptoms of grief that you are experiencing, don’t fit neatly into the ‘recently bereaved’ category? What does it feel like, for example, if you have had a miscarriage, and you didn’t announce your pregnancy, so no-one sees your loss?

Disenfranchised Grief

There are infinite reasons to grieve. Many do not include bereavement, (and if someone you love has died that is an excellent reason to grieve). Ken Doka helpfully coined the term ‘disenfranchised grief’ to describe an unrecognised or hidden source of heart-break or grief. Examples include:

• The loss of someone you love, when their next of kin do not recognise the role you played in their life.
• Separation from a lover where your relationship was not public.
• Loss of your home and established life, when you are choosing new circumstances.
• Grief as a result of involuntary childlessness.
• The life choices you regret.
• The life unlived when ageing or facing chronic ill health.
• The loss of a meaningful attachment figure that is not externally recognised, (such as your therapist, favourite pop icon, pet hamster or the tree you loved watching through your window being cut down to make room for the neighbour’s extension).

Ambiguous Loss

‘Ambiguous Loss’ is another term which I find helpful, to describe the particular shape of unexplained absence. Pauline Boss first used this term to describe the grief felt when someone is missing either physically or emotionally. Examples include:

• Someone is presumed dead but there is no body to mourn or explanation to give closure.
• Someone has disappeared without giving notice or being in contact.
• Not knowing why you were given up for adoption.
• Being ghosted at the end of a relationship for unknown reasons.
• A ‘misadventure’ that may or may not have been an accident.
• Waiting for the outcome of a court trial.
• Someone you love remains unresponsive but is still physically present.

Unacknowledged Grief

While every loss is worthy of grieving, it is not always possible to do so at the time of impact or injury. The processing of grief may need to wait until there is adequate space and holding to do so. Grief may be present but delayed thanks to our helpful defensive accommodations, which enable us to wait until it is safe enough to feel. Feelings may be exiled, completely out of awareness, or dissociated from until they are ‘touched and awakened’ (as Bonnie Badenoch says).

Sometimes the grieving parts of us, that are out of our awareness, are apparently invisible, but sensed through the symptoms or situations in which they are triggered. We may gradually become aware of the shape of absent parts of us. In extreme cases, this may be portrayed through Dissociative Identity Disorder, (described in Carolyn Spring’s book ‘Recovery is My Best Revenge’) where traumatised parts split off and become invisible until activated.

Including the Whole System

When thinking systemically, it is important to include all the parts of the whole system. There may be parts that are invisible or less easy to recognise. There may be parts within us that are concealed for self-protection, or to avoid risking more vulnerability than feels comfortable. We may judge ourselves, allowing our critical inner voices to keep us small and boxed in.

In families, communities and organisations, grief itself may be split off or excluded. Often there may be one or more family members who are carrying the unacknowledged grief unconsciously on behalf of others in the system. Working with a Family Constellations practitioner can be a really useful way to map a system in order to reveal dynamics which have been carried by people in the system without their knowing. Rose Jiggens describes this modality:

“Working this way opens up insights which could not be gained through talking alone. We get to sense, feel, see and know things that are otherwise unavailable.”

By teasing out what is in the energy field in a Constellation, it is possible to surface what has been hidden, return unwanted energetic gifts, resolve unconscious wounds and clear invisible dynamics. The ties that bind us frequently entangle us in systemic bonds as a consequence of grief and trauma. Constellations can be particularly helpful when we remain caught in repeating patterns and invisible directives that are organising the system but out of our awareness.

Seeing the Invisible

If I widen the frame to include all causes of grief – including bereavement and everything beyond that causes emotional suffering, and then put on my grief spectacles, what becomes visible? This lens makes it more likely to see individual pain, collective losses and cumulative hurts, and the intersecting relationships between them. Add in the lens of past impacts and future fears, to see a complex matrix of stimuli that cause grief.

To make the invisible visible requires listening to all of our feelings, the voices of others, seeking out the absent narratives and being curious about the experience of people who are different to ourselves, and may hold different perspectives.

Tending Grief

‘Grief becomes grievance’ when untended. When sorrow, or distress is left without adequate containment, or holding, so that it can be digested, a residue of the hurt remains. It is this legacy that may go on to cause further distress, whether to self or others. The old adage is activated, ‘hurt people hurt people.’

Grief Tending is a practice in which we welcome all kinds of grief, whether known or unknown. In order to include what is both visible and invisible in Grief Tending, we often pour water to acknowledge ‘what has been said’, and also include ‘what has been left unsaid’. When people express grief, there are often cumulative layers of undigested experience. It may only be possible to begin to move towards feelings or access the surface layer.

It requires work to see the invisible. Putting a wide frame in place, like the edge of a jigsaw puzzle, and filling in the things that we know allows the gaps, the unfamiliar, the unacknowledged and the untended pieces to reveal their shape. Each of these invisible places may need to be attended to. They may also help us to make sense of the whole picture.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

31 Jan What to Say to a Grieving Person?

Being With Someone Who’s Grieving

I am a Grief Tender, and was recently asked “How do you learn to hold grief?” The practice of Grief Tending is all about becoming more comfortable with our own feelings, and also with others’ emotions. Although the question “What should I say to someone who’s grieving?” can be useful to explore, for me, it is more important to learn how to be with someone who’s grieving. This might include the pace and tone of voice, and body language, as well as words in order to offer supportive presence.

Learning How to Be With Someone Who’s Grieving

I am deliberately using the verb ‘to learn’. For many of us, we haven’t grown up with enough wise elders who could show us how to be with someone who’s grieving. The kind of relational intelligence it takes to know what to say to someone who’s in distress is not taught in schools. This is often now a skills gap in families and communities. It can be particularly difficult for young people to navigate talking to someone who is mourning if they have little or no experience of being around death or dying.

A Quiet Revolution in Grieving

There is something going on that is counter-cultural to the dominant norms of privacy around grieving. There is a quiet revolution that is happening in the culture of death and dying. People are discovering their agency around the theme. We are consuming books and films that illuminate the infinite ways to approach endings. We are talking about mortality at Death Cafés, that welcome conversations on the subject of death with tea and cake. People are engaging Death Doulas to support their choices at end of life. Groups like Companion Voices are singing with those who are approaching their end of life. People are choosing to design their own funerals – often with the support of an independent celebrant. The Dead Good Guide is a great place to look for inspiration for creative endings. And many are finding ways to process it all in community through grief rituals.

The Practice of Contemplating Change

It is essential if we are to support others who are grieving that we explore our own relationship with endings of all kinds. In Buddhism, there are explicit meditation practices to recognise that everything changes, and to contemplate ‘impermanence’ and suffering. In many indigenous and spiritual traditions, there are customs for ancestor veneration. Bringing those who came before us to mind, and perhaps giving thanks, or making an offering can develop a connection with someone who has died that we love. The Continuing Bonds theory of grieving (Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman) emphasises how helpful and comforting it can be to evolve a continuing relationship with a loved one who has died in their new and unfamiliar form, rather than detaching from someone who has died. Some of the simple rituals we use in Grief Tending can be a helpful way to do this, such as lighting a candle and pouring water.

Other People’s Grief

Other people’s grief may remind us of our own. What has not been processed or tended in our own lives may be a wound that another’s grief touches. For many, there is an impulse to avoid, deny or minimise our own troubles. When someone else in our life grieves, our own feelings may be activated. Sometimes it was necessary to put our grief out of our awareness in the past as an act of self-preservation. When this has happened, it often re-surfaces later, if circumstances change and it feels safe enough to process. In order to support others, it is important that we are willing to recognise our own grief and allow it space and attention.

What Not to Do

Grievers often express dismay at the absence of acknowledgement from other people. There is often already a feeling of lack of belonging to normal life, and avoiding them amplifies this. Grief is not infectious, but people sometimes behave as if it is. Saying nothing at all is the most unpopular, unsupportive strategy with someone who is grieving. “I don’t have the words,” is better than no words. Saying something formulaic and garbled is little better than saying nothing. The traditional, “I’m sorry for your loss” generally seems impersonal and inadequate.

Avoiding eye contact during the delivery of mumbled or hurried words can feel like another way to defend against any genuine connection with the griever. I have an aversion to the use of euphemisms like “passed away,” in place of “died”. But it is kind to listen to the griever and mirror their language rather than deliver words that they would find too direct. In the same way, it is helpful to take cues from the griever as we try to bring words of comfort. They may not be ready to talk. They may not want to divulge traumatic details or precise circumstances of a death, despite our curiosity, so wait for an invitation before asking direct and detailed questions.

The Words We Choose to Offer to A Grieving Person

In choosing words of comfort, I favour simple statements, offered with congruent hand and facial expressions. Something along these lines and said with authenticity might land gently.

“I’m so sorry.” Or, “I was really sad to hear of…” If I write a card, I try to remember a personal memory or appreciation of the person who has died. Avoid making yourself the centre of attention, but small details of remembrance can be received well.

Grievers often experience a profound sense of exclusion from normal everyday life. They may simply long to be asked, “How are you?” And when your world has just turned upside down, this can be too big a question. “How are you today?” can feel a more manageable enquiry.

An Invitation to Spaciousness

More than anything, grievers often need space to find their voice, their response. They may long for genuine invitations to say how they are, or to tell some of their story, or share the experience of their losses. For me, a slow, gentle invitation to speak or creating a receptive moment for a response, and just listening feels helpful. Avoid offering platitudes that are intended to minimise or console someone’s pain. Grief is better received without offering unasked for suggestions or solutions.

Ritual Ways to Welcome Grief

In Grief Tending events, we welcome many different experiences and emotions. We use simple rituals to encourage people to feel seen and heard. We use simple sentences to acknowledge someone’s grief, like:

“Thank you,” “I see you,” or “I hear you”. We may pour water as a symbolic gesture. Most importantly, we aim to bring our attention to the person who is sharing their experience. It can feel profoundly supportive for someone who is grieving to be listened to by others, who recognise the territory of grief, if not the same experience.

Holding Grief With Presence

If the situation allows it, I try to respond to someone’s grief with attuned presence rather than lots of words. I breathe, and if there is space and time, I often observe their breathing too. Holding space for people requires that my own nervous system is regulated and calm enough to be available to someone else. Listening to the suffering of another can feel overwhelming. In order to develop a sense of equanimity, I often call to mind what supports me, which I draw on in order to support others. Through regular contact with people who are grieving, and by exploring my own emotions, I am growing and expanding my capacity to be with grief.

Empathy not Sympathy

In the rack of greetings cards of condolence for someone who is grieving, there are cards that say “With deepest sympathy”, “sorry for your loss”, and “thinking of you”. The tones are muted, they are adorned with flowers, sunsets and stars. While for some, these will comfort, it can be helpful to choose an image and words that ring true for this particular person, in this particular situation. As you look for ways to acknowledge someone’s pain, I invite you instead to come alongside, to find your empathy, in order to ‘feel with’ rather than ‘feel for’ someone else’s sorrow.

Coming Together in Community

What is often missing in grief is a supportive community. How can we offer our presence in a way that brings people together, that provides food, human warmth, and connection? Notice whether we are bringing those who grieve into relationship or are separating them. Are we able to offer supportive presence and empathy to someone who is grieving in a way that meets where they are at, and welcomes them? As we become familiar with the landscape of grief, it is possible to move beyond words to offer some holding to someone who is grieving as they navigate emotional turmoil.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here. 

27 Sep Grief Tending Training

A Training in Grief Tending

The ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ programme is a training in Grief Tending. It is a short, deep immersion into the practice of facilitating groups through grief. On the training we teach how to lead a tried and tested guided journey for people who are experiencing grief. Students are given tools to work with ritual, and somatic practices which encourage people’s ability to anchor in resource, surface feelings, express in different ways, and regulate their nervous systems.

“Powerful group work and processes for tending grief with integrity and tenderness. Transformational work needed for today.” Former participant

The Teachers of Grief Tending

Building on the teachings of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé, Francis Weller, Joanna Macy, Martin Prechtel, this lineage was orginally woven by Maeve Gavin, and has been carried forward by Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres. The current form of this Grief Tending training was crafted by Sophy Banks and evolved by the team, who each bring their own wisdom and experience to ‘Apprenticing to Grief’. Ultimately, it is grief who is the teacher, and brings us to work with the medicine of Grief Tending.

Learning Modules

This Grief Tending training includes learning modules on:

• The shape of a Grief Tending event
• Holding ceremony and ritual
• Safety and ethics
• Facilitating groups
• Holding space for grief in different contexts

Embodied and Experiential Learning

The design of the training emphasises embodied and experiential learning. The structure of the programme includes the opportunity to practice facilitating part of a Grief Tending journey with encouragement and supportive reflections from the group. Participants gain a clear understanding of the Grief Tending form, the skills needed, and a practical understanding of their strengths in relation to this work.

Roles Explored on the Training

Through the brilliant design of the ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ training, students work on multiple levels to gain understanding. We use the metaphor of ‘hats’ to differentiate between role switches, such as:

• Participant – in my own grief process
• Apprentice – learning about Grief Tending
• Facilitator – delivering content and holding space
• Meta – looking at the meta-perspective

Welcoming Diversity

In our Grief Tending training, we invite students to explore and expand their capacity to hold space for grief. This includes an understanding of facilitating across difference. We welcome participants from diverse backgrounds. This is reflected in the sliding scale of fees, and application process.

Who Trains as a Grief Tender?

People approach our Grief Tending training from a wide variety of backgrounds. Some may already be a helping professional, or working alongside vulnerable people. Some may have a strong spiritual or nature connection practice. Others may be stepping toward holding space for grief from a background in the arts or activism. Sometimes people already teach or facilitate groups, while others may be doulas or work with the bereaved. We aim not to exclude those who have relevant life experience; but may not have any therapeutic qualifications.

Gain Confidence and Knowledge

As a consequence of this broad mix, ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ is not a complete training. People come with such a wide variety of expertise, ages, and experience. After this intense, brief course, as well as gaining confidence and knowledge, students will also identify areas in which they may need further development or study.

Our Network of Apprentices

Although it is widely practiced, Grief Tending does not currently have a registration body. It often takes place in grassroots communities. The training provides a strong grounding in professional practice, but it is not currently certificated. However, after the training programme, our Apprenticing network is available to all alumni. We hold quarterly meetings for support and Continued Professional Development. There are also regular meetings for those organising Grief Tending events. We also offer assisting opportunities as a pathway for those who have completed the training and are building their practical experience, as well as options for mentoring.

Pre-Requisites for Applicants

Before undertaking a training in Grief Tending, we ask that people have experience of the practice by attending an event held by someone on the Apprenticing team. As well as a commitment to doing our own inner work, and ensuring that we are adequately supported, experiencing different Grief Tending events really helps students step towards becoming a Grief Tender.

Honouring Our Gifts

Before I became a Grief Tender, I was looking for something that would bring together the many segments of my own Venn diagram. These included:

• Creativity and ritual
• Nature and spirituality
• Intimacy and relating
• Embodiment and trauma
• Systems thinking and processing pain
• Mortality and grief
• Community and care

Being of Service

Grief Tending training was a direction that made sense of my interests and skills. I was looking for a way to be of service in a world riddled with many kinds of grief, while living in a grief-phobic culture. The ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ training valued my unconventional life path and recognised the experience gained. This is a practice that does not ask for years of training at vast expense. I was welcomed onto the training, and my gifts were valued. I was encouraged to bring my own flavour into my development as a Grief Tender.

Grief Tending Training Since 2019

Along with two of my co-workers, Bilal Nasim and Tony Pletts, I was one of the first cohort of students in March 2019. Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres inspired and guided us on our ‘Apprenticing to Grief’. Since then, the Grief Tending training programme has evolved and been refined into its current form.

Two Different Formats

The Grief Tending training now takes place in two different formats:

• In person, over a week (This is offered twice a year in the UK)
• Online, three modules, each 3 days long, plus 2 short extra sessions.

I have supported the programme many times, and also now co-lead on a regular basis. I will be co-facilitating with Jeremy Thres online in Spring 2026, and in person in Oxford in Autumn 2026. Further details, dates, fees and applications here.

“A really transformational, caring and beautiful experience and practice that should be available to everyone.” Former participant

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see the Embracing Grief website.

09 Jun Different Grief Ritual Sizes

Different Grief Ritual Sizes

Whatever the size or format of the Grief Tending rituals and events we offer, they all follow a similar shape, and include the same arc of experience. We begin by building connection within the group, and calling on support. Then we offer exercises to help surface feelings. A central grief ritual allows emotions to be expressed, and then we are welcomed back into community. This is followed by gentle soothing. Towards the end, we do some tasks to help us integrate our experience of the session before closing.

A Big Grief Ritual

The Embracing Grief Team and Sophy Banks are holding ‘Tending the Heart’, a 4 Hour Grief Tending communal grief workshop in London with the capacity for up to 100 participants plus a large team to provide support. It has the potential to be a powerful experience, an opportunity to share a big grief ritual with many others.

Small Group Grief Workshops

The size of the group we are in effects the shape and impact of the event. In our small group workshops in London, the maximum capacity is 12 participants plus 3 Grief Tenders in the team. At this size, everyone will be able to hear something from each person. A small group allows everyone to feel connected. It is intimate. We may feel visible, which may be both exactly what we hope for, and uncomfortable for some. The facilitators will have direct contact with each group member. There is usually an option for stepping into a quieter space, or having a one to one chat with a team member if needed, to support someone’s ability to participate.

Medium Size Grief Workshop

In a medium sized group of 13-24, there is usually a bigger team supporting the participants. There may be exercises in small groups, where intimate sharing is possible. But not everyone will hear from each person. A group ritual is likely to have more energy than in a small group. There are more potential connections to make, so it may feel less intimate, but also provide more opportunities to meet different people or find those with shared experiences. The group itself may be a dynamic mix of people. The facilitators will still have direct contact with every member of the group. We have capacity for up to 20 participants plus team at our new venue in Devon.

Big Grief Ritual Events

We design the format of the session to accommodate the size of the group. We also take into consideration the surroundings. In a large event with more than 25 people, everyone will not necessarily meet or hear from each person. The group itself takes on more of a holding role. The facilitators will hold the space and steer the energy of the whole group, but not have direct contact with every person.

The big workshops and community rituals which we have held at festivals have comprised 150-200 + participants, depending on the available space. This may allow people to feel more anonymous, to try the practice with less self-revelation. Strong singing and drumming may happen in a big group, offering another layer of community holding. This kind of stimulation and noise may also be overwhelming if sensory processing is challenging for someone.

Grief Tending rituals with Sobonfu Somé, one of the main conduits of Grief Tending as a practice, would regularly hold huge groups. When a gathering of this size comes together, there is opportunity for a very potent ceremony.

People often have different needs, and understanding these different grief ritual sizes may help someone recognise what is right for them. Our frequently asked questions page includes more information about different formats of event – such as online or in person, one or two day events. You can see more about Grief Tending, and different workshops here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here. 

14 May ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ – A Film About Love, Loss and Belonging

The Wilderness of Grief

‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ is a moving portrayal of a family navigating love, loss and belonging. The film captures how grief shows up in many forms. We see the family’s struggles to navigate change. It is unusual to see the intimacy of grief revealed, as it often remains private, and undocumented. Over time, we discover how the family meets the challenges, through the beautifully captured micro details of their relationships with each other and the world around them. This documentary film may resonate with different experiences of the wilderness of grief for its audience.

Loss of Hopes and Dreams

In everyday life, grief manifests as a range of natural emotional responses to many kinds of loss, change and absence. This includes bereavement, as well as other forms of separation, longing or change.

One of the ways in which grief plays out in ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ is in the loss of hopes and dreams. We see multiple elements of grief in the film, as one impact sparks an unravelling of layers. Nik and Maria have chosen to create a sustainable lifestyle, home-schooling the 3 younger children, but the future they have imagined together crumbles.

Secondary Losses

When grief impacts us with one loss, separation or tragedy, there may also be other associated losses, endings or changes. Some of these ‘secondary losses’ or consequences may dramatically affect the life of someone who is already grieving. The death of a loved one for example, may start a whole connecting set of losses like dominoes falling. This may cause a bewildering and devastating impact on all those involved.

Our Existing Emotional Landscape

Each person’s grief is unique. When something happens in our life, like the death of someone close to us, it doesn’t arrive in a neutral environment. It lands in our existing emotional landscape. What impacts have come before, may define how this new event adds to our current grief load. Are there unresolved issues, previous losses, absences, childhood traumas, minority stresses, or other pressures that might affect how we deal with what is happening in the present? There isn’t usually a neat and easy pathway to follow, but we may turn away from the feelings; and then when we have capacity, move to face into grief.

Additional Factors to Grieving

If we are well supported, and resilient enough to experience the emotional storm, we may be able in time to grow through grief. When the death of a loved one happens, there are many factors that will affect our ability to cope. What was our relationship like? Did we have time to prepare for their end-of-life? Were the circumstances traumatic? Are we accepted by their friends and relatives? Are we separated from home? How resourced are we?

Finding Enough Support

In order to meet the challenges of grief, we need enough support, and resources to manage our circumstances. A supportive community around us in the wake of loss, is really helpful. Feeling a sense of belonging and shared values may enable us to feel held by family or community. If this is not available, it may be yet another reason to grieve. There are ways that the family in ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ are making ‘alternative’ choices. Belonging becomes an important longing, as each person learns to adapt to new circumstances.

When we are grieving in a grief-averse culture, it can really amplify the sense of being an outsider. Whether there are people around us who are ‘grief literate’ and willing to listen without judgement or fear matters. We also need people to help with practical jobs that are beyond our capacity. It is important to be able to reach out to ask for and receive the support that may be available to us.

Simple practices that help us to take care of ourselves are essential. In the wake of loss, juggling the needs of everyone at home, and having space to be with grief may be complex. As a parent in a grieving family, it can be difficult to find what supports you, as well as helping children to adapt and grieve at the same time.

Grieving Style

Our grieving style is one of the things that will affect our ability to grieve well. Our personality, history, socialisation, cultural norms and even our neurobiology will make a difference in how we experience feelings and express grief. When things are too much to bear, we may find ourselves overwhelmed or numb. We may feel a confusing mix of anxiety, rage, despair, guilt, and deep sorrow. There may be relief, gratitude and love present too. These are all normal responses to life’s challenges.

There are many ways to allow the natural expression of grief – whether quiet or loud. If we can find kindness, without judgement, (from ourselves or others) it can ease our journey through the wilderness of grief. Shame is also often present where others are suggesting that it’s time ‘to move on’. Grief doesn’t have a sell-by date. Space to be with our own grieving process, for as long as it takes, is a more useful frame. We don’t ‘heal’, but may in time, be able to grow our life around the grief.

Rituals to Manage Change

Rituals can help us to manage change. In ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ we see the family create some of their own rituals to mark the passing of time, to remember and to honour what is important. You may have an existing belief system with a known set of practices around rites of passage. For those without a particular faith, choosing what to do and how to mark significant moments may be more unknown. There are many possibilities available to the ‘spiritual but not religious.’ There are often many ways to experiment and make your own personal or family rituals.

Sometimes the small ways to honour someone or something are supportive and healing. It may be as simple as lighting a candle, writing a letter to someone to tell them you love them, placing an offering of flowers by a photography, or placing hands together on the earth. Community rituals are another great way to step from one phase of life to another, or to process grief.

Grief for the Earth

From the opening of the film, we find ourselves embedded in wildness. Our guides are parents who believe in teaching their children to respect the natural world. Their choice is to live sustainably ‘without taking more than we need’. Earth grief, and the collective pain of climate disruption and bio-diversity loss are the implied context of ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’. An awareness of the disconnection from nature in an extractive, and digital culture is the wider grief that provides the context for the setting of the film. Maria and Nik have set out to live in close connection with the cycles of nature, and the family find themselves understanding more about what it means to live and die, to be part of the cycle of life.

Imagining a New Future

From the impacts of loss, and ruptures with their chosen lifestyle, we watch the family move towards a re-imagined future. Belonging isn’t easy. Each person has to step into vulnerability, and risk something to grow up. Finding their way to make a new life takes us on a moving and inspiring journey. The love of what is lost remains. Grief is hard to bear, but sometimes, through experiencing it, there can be a deeper-meaning integrated into our lives.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. She has a close relationship with local urban wildlife, and chosen family in Hackney, London. For more information about Grief Tending events see here. For a review by Sarah of the film ‘A New Kind of Wilderness’ see here.