16 Feb Identity Shifts
Almost every morning for the last twenty years I have taken the dog for a walk. Now both dogs have died and I am coming to terms with a small shift in identity. I am no longer one of the dog people who say hello or chat because they have a dog with them. I love the permission that having a dog (or a child) gives to speak to others. I have got to know many people of all backgrounds through having a four-legged friend by my ankles. Now it may seem odd that I choose to walk in the rain, without the cover of a dog.
Loss is often coupled with questions of identity. People may not know what to reply when asked “How many children do you have?” after the death of a child. People report uncertainty in choosing how to respond to these painful innocent questions.
Likewise, when a partner has died there are no universal signals in dress, of being a remaining partner; although dressing as a widow is still practiced in some cultures. When a partner dies we may tick a new box in official forms, and it can be another reminder on top of many other losses.
When coming to the end of a working life (not always by choice), people may struggle with the absence of a work identity, particularly if it was associated with a dedicated career path. Each crossroads in life may come with these differences.
We may hold fixed stories in our heads about who we are. With change can come uncertainty. The narrative is disrupted, and we are required to make a new story that we tell about ourselves, and tell to others.
If we have chosen a life-changing identity shift, even when we are pursuing our dreams, there can be aspects of ourselves that we are leaving behind. As we celebrate the new, these parts of us may still need to be acknowledged and grieved as we say goodbye to them. There is a tendency to want to avoid endings of all kinds, to let them slip away un-noticed. When we let the completions in our life be marked, to be seen, it can help as we take the next step.
For Grief Tending workshops and events coming up, see here.
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