Pleasure/Sexuality Tag

30 Oct LGBTQ Families – Rainbow Mums’ Stories

Introducing Rainbow Mums

‘Rainbow Mums’ is a podcast series about LGBTQ+ families, through interviews with gay and bisexual parents. The stories of LGBTQ+ families cover the rich lived experiences of five Mums plus one episode, ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’ where I reflect on queer parenting with Nicholas McInerny, the host of ‘Rainbow Dads’.

Queer Parenting

For me, ‘to queer’ is a creative process where the edge-dwellers are essential, bringing vibrant, playful, unorthodox ways of doing things, looking at things from different perspectives with diverse voices. So, the ‘queering’ of parenting brings many different possibilities. There are many ways of becoming and living as an LGBTQ+ family. Queer Circle offers resources and events in London to explore creative health, including Queer Grief Tending.

Growing Up Gay

Some people come into life gay from the ground up. They may be perceived by themselves and others as different. They may be aware of same sex attraction. Puberty may bring sexuality to the front of their awareness. It may also register in the minds of family and friends and be met with judgement and stigmatisation.

In ‘Maggie’s Story’, the responses to teenage Maggie of those are around are challenging. Maggie speaks about the coming out scene from ‘All of Us Strangers’. In ‘Anjum’s Story’, there is a kinder response from family. Anjum’s journey includes being a lesbian and Muslim. The Naz and Matt Foundation offer support for gay Muslims. The homophobia and racism Anjum experienced outside the family offer reasons to advocate for justice. Galop, the LGBT+ anti-violence charity offers support for survivors of abuse and violence in the UK. If you need support with any aspect of sexuality and gender identity, Switchboard offers a listening ear.

Coming Out

As someone who came out later in life myself, which I talk about in ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’, I have the luxury of stepping into a queer identity. I am conscious that I am able to do this precisely because of those who stood up against Clause 28, who challenged systemic oppression and struggled for equity and acceptance, civil partnership, and gay marriage. For a review of what came before, check out MJ Barker’s ‘Queer A Graphic History’. To see how LGBTQ+ people supported the miners’ and the political alliances which this inspired, watch ‘Striking With Pride’.

For many, the ‘coming out’ rites of passage – to ourselves, to another, to family, to the outside world, can be huge turning points. I resonate with the awkward teenagers or middle-aged late teenagers, sometimes ambivalent and trying to come to terms with a new identity. There are many resources including zines for people questioning their identity by MJ Barker. Pink Therapy has a directory for those looking for an LGBTQ+ therapist to explore sexuality.

I look back at my own young hapless self, dressing sometimes butch, sometimes femme, seeking the elusive fantasy of same sex pleasure, but not knowing how to go about it. In ‘Emma’s Story’, her young goth self was bolder than me. Emma now hosts her own podcast series ‘Coming Out Stories’.

Sexual Identities

It took me many years to unpick the paradox of the bisexual experience. Bisexuality is often a landscape between a rock and a hard place of neither all heterosexual nor totally gay; often unwelcomed by those at both ends of the Kinsey Scale. The Bisexuality Report offers research on bisexual inclusion.

Misperceptions are often rife, and instead of fully expressing ourselves, we may find ourselves making tough choices to exclude parts of our core make-up. In ‘Sandy’s Story’, we follow her journey to make sense of the complexity of being pansexual and open to all kinds of attraction, while navigating the responsibilities of parenthood.

Once we have a sense of who we are in the world, comes the challenge of finding the other(s) we want to explore sex and relationships with. Our Rainbow Mums are diverse in age, and my sense is that Amy – the youngest, has grown up in a generation which is more open to sex and relationship diversity, than the Rainbow Mum’s who were finding their way in the 80’s and 90’s.

However, as Amy finds out, it is still a challenge when faced with the complex choices that love throws in your path. In ‘Amy’s Story’, the route to polyamory is a twisting tale that takes us across the globe in pursuit of a relationship dynamic that works. Polyamory comes in many forms, is definitely not for everyone, but can offer a way forward for those who wish to experiment with ethical non-monogamy. Amy talks about the classic primer, ‘The Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy. I also recommend ‘Poly Secure’ by Jessica Fern.

Becoming LGBTQ+ Parents

Finding their way through the emotional mine-fields of desire, pleasure and relationships, we follow the Rainbow Mums in and out of partnerships – some of which don’t work out, and others which blossom into lesbian marriages. Either way, parenting continues to be a significant central axis for all of them.

Some gay and bisexual parents begin in heteronormative relationships, where children are conceived and cared for. Most of the Rainbow Dads were parents, and subsequently came out. Sometimes we suspected we were LGBTQ+, and sometimes that has been out of awareness even from ourselves. As we age, our priorities or sexual gearing can change too. For me, the need to be more myself increased with age, after I had spent significant time in a parenting role. It’s not uncommon for the changes of peri-menopause and menopause to also amplify hormonal shifts. Tania Glyde writes about navigating change in queer menopause.

Some bisexual parents may choose to parent together in an opposite sex relationship, as well as pursuing same sex relationships before, concurrently or after. In both ‘Sandy’s Story’, and ‘Amy’s Story’ they parent in relationships with a biological father, alongside other relationships.

For many same sex couples there are choices to be made. For AFAB’s and lesbians there may be a choice of who becomes a biological parent. There may be decisions about routes – such as donor insemination, surrogacy or adoption. These questions may involve choosing a biological father too – a known or unknown donor. There are ethical and personal reasons which a prospective gay couple will have to negotiate. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear some of the considerations for her family.

Then there are roles and names. Who gets to be called ‘Mum’? Are there one or two or more? Not all our Rainbow Mums, including me, are biological parents, but I hear how involved each of them are with the practical and emotional responsibilities of care-giving.

Children in LGBTQ+ Families

In every episode we hear about the unexpected joys of parenthood. It is a vital, often wonderful as well as a tough job, and is generally under-valued by society. In many ways it’s the same whoever you are. Whatever the route to becoming parents, we are delivered with a child that requires attunement, presence, practical support and encouragement. Emma mentions ‘Proud Parents’ who offer support to LGBTQ+ families.

All of the Rainbow Mums I speak to are passionate about and full of love for their children. We may have made choices about how to become parents, but the children that arrive are all unique and come with their own needs and strengths. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear about the unexpected life that has unfolded from having a child with Downs Syndrome. Children come with different abilities. For me, the neuro-spicy quality of my family has helped us to adapt to being different from the heteronormative frame, to allow space for each of us to change, grow and flourish.

The values which underpin my relationships and LGBTQ+ family are love, honesty, and a willingness to communicate. I hope that working with these intentions help us to navigate the tricky stuff – the ups and downs when we really need to see the best in eachother and find kind yet honest words.

LGBTQ+ Families

I grew up in a family where things weren’t spoken about without my curious questioning. There were several skeletons in the closet. My father was gay but didn’t begin to come out until he was 60. My own experience was, that on some level I knew, and the lack of direct conversation around the subject was confusing. The multiple masks that family members wore probably contributed to my inner confusion. I had a sense of dissonance, but struggled to work out what was going on beneath the surface.

As a consequence, I prefer to be open, to communicate clearly and in an age appropriate way with young people when necessary. I aim to parent in a way that allows both parent and child to express who they are. And of course, I have made many mistakes, and continue to learn from the younger ones. F F Flag support parents with LGBTQ+ children.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Modern families often include a complex blend of step and half siblings. LGBTQ+ families often create a network of chosen family to provide supportive community around their immediate loved ones. This can be a brilliant resource, with an inter-generational flavour, as ‘Maggie’s Story’ describes, and I value so much in my inter-generational LGBTQ+ family. Family Equality work to advance equality for LGBTQ+ families in the USA.

Solidarity with LGBTQ+ People Around the World

I want to celebrate those who, often in spite of adversity, are able to be themselves and choose the relationships they want. All of these Rainbow Mums risk what comes with visibility, and have chosen to tell their stories, partly because there are many in the world who do not have those choices. Marginalisation and social injustices still happen. There are parts of the world, or cultures where LGBTQ+ families are not welcome, and being gay, lesbian or bisexual may be illegal.

I have the gift of being safe enough, but many are not able to express themselves freely. We offer Rainbow Mums and Dads in solidarity with those who are not able to be out and proud. Some of the organisations that support the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer + people around the world include the Kaleidoscope Trust the Peter Tatchell Foundation and Micro Rainbow.

Listen to ‘Rainbow Mums’ here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

16 Jul I’m Talking About Menopause

Why don’t we talk about menopause?

Why don’t we talk about the menopause? Are we just embarrassed to speak about personal things? Or is it because the things that happen to our bodies are loaded with shame? In talking about it, we might risk showing our vulnerability.  We are loaded in western capitalist society by unconscious messages about beauty and mortality. Youth, productivity and fertility are valued markers of success, rather than wrinkles and wisdom. It may also be because approaching our senior years reminds people that they will not live forever, the truth we all try to forget.

How can we talk to our peers about menopause? Media images encourage women in particular to compete at looking younger for longer. Is it because we daren’t risk being rude or invasive that we don’t ask or reveal to one another? Talking about the menopause may be just one taboo in a long list. We may not have talked about the things that came before this rite of passage – puberty, bleeding, pain, lost pregnancies, infertility, terminations, tampons, fibroids, sexually transmitted infections, our sexual encounters, our sexual pleasure, masturbation…

The metamorphosis of menopause

Like puberty, you don’t know when the menopause will happen, and how it will land in your life. It is official a year after your final period. I see it effect the people around me in different ways. The most likely predictor for when it will happen is genetic. Early menopause can also come way before mid-life. This is less common, and is sadly much less widely recognised, as it arrives unexpected with many consequences. My final period came when I was 51, the average age, despite my first period being early. I now have a nostalgic fondness for copious bleeding and the earthy messiness of menstruation.

“Everything you cling to that’s comfortable in its familiarity including your very identity is metamorphosing from the inside out,” Christiane Northrup.

Up to 10 years of peri menopause

The piece of information I wish I had known ahead of time was that it may have a lead up of 4-5 or even up to 10 years of peri menopausal symptoms. Menopause can also come suddenly in response to surgical or medical situations.

Menopause used to be known as ‘the change’; as though it was a single turning point in the transition from the archetype of mother to crone. My experience has been of a gradual process of transformation. With hindsight I can recognise difficult and sometimes dramatic symptoms in a lengthy peri menopause.

During, or perhaps as a consequence of peri menopause I was exploring my sexuality, and I enjoyed surges in sexual energy. At the same time, I needed to come to terms with infertility. There was grief in being unable to be a biological parent. I gradually let go of dreams of being a birth parent. This came with an enquiry into who I wanted to become. I weathered the emotional shifts as my creative energy was channelled into other new ventures.

“Our hormones are giving us an opportunity to see, once and for all, what we need to change in order to live honestly, fully and healthfully in the second half of our lives.” Christiane Northrup

Navigating the changes of menopause

I was unprepared for the physiological changes. I did have encounters with medical professionals during gynaecological medical emergencies, but I found little information or support elsewhere. My mother couldn’t remember how old she had been by the time I got around to asking. There was a distinct absence of elders to pass on their wisdom on the subject.

Davina McColl’s refreshingly straight-talking documentary on Channel 4 ‘Sex, Myths and the Menopause’ is a good starting point on the subject. Information can be found on websites such as Women’s Health Concern – the patient arm of the British Menopause Society, Menopause Support and Menopause Matters. Look for independent reliable information that is not covert advertising for products, treatments or consultants.

There is still stigma and embarrassment in talking about menopause issues. Like other signs of mortality, talking about ageing can be taboo, worse still showing visible signs of it. I am aware that some people feel more invisible in the face of the physical changes of becoming mature. Others may redirect their energies into new endeavours with vigour.

The issues around menopause are not just ‘women’s business’. In a mission to make menopause more inclusive, Tania Glyde recognises that ‘Queer Menopause’ effects many including women, trans men and non-binary people. Whatever your identity, it is likely to include hormonal, physiological and emotional changes.

Menopause in Relationships

Friends, family and partners may be in different life phases, or moving towards elderhood in different ways. It may be complex to co-navigate changing needs and desires in lifestyle and relationships. After many years caring for others, I found myself with more time to invest in new interests that I hope will sustain me into the next phase of my life.

Coming to terms with changes in levels of desire, or response may precipitate exploration into what works for us sexually. If you haven’t already considered what you still want to receive, or give, I recommend Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’. Being menopausal doesn’t mean we have to give up on intimate touch, although it’s a great time to work out what we do want to share in relationships with others.

A rite of passage

Like most rites of passage, the route through menopause is a liminal journey of stages – preparation, threshold and return. Ideally there will be support and education during peri menopause, and adjustments made before the final period. The threshold occurs, but we may not know it until a year after it has happened. One of the things that I found tricky was not knowing when I had actually had my final period. There was a gap of six months and then a year between my penultimate and final periods.

During this time, we will be aware that our years of potential fertility or procreation have come to an end. As with any big life change, this transition is an opportunity to grieve what is ending. Our ability to recognise and face this letting go process will reflect how we feel about our achievements and regrets as our identity shifts. The health concerns that may have accompanied our menstruation cycles will also be factors.

As physiological changes happen, are we welcomed into a community? Do we have support in place for this new time of life? Do we have peers we can talk to? Is our GP willing to hear and respond to our concerns? Are we resourced enough to find the support we need to manage symptoms?

After all the changes that may accompany peri menopause, and then menopause, I notice an absence of marking this initiation. Will our arrival on the shores of eldership be acknowledged or better still celebrated? Is this the time, or will I have become a member of the older generation when my hair turns white, or when there are no longer any family members ahead of me?

The symptoms of menopause

There are many symptoms that may be part of the experience of menopause. Hot flushes, (hot flashes), poor memory, changes in sexual responses and vaginal dryness have affected me. Then there are night sweats and early morning anxiety which disrupt my sleep patterns. Symptoms may arrive suddenly or gradually then ease off or stick around.

I have experimented with a variety of alternative treatments to support my physical and emotional health at different times including Chinese herbs and Acupuncture, Grindberg Method, Cranial Osteopathy, Herbal Medicine and natural bioidentical hormone creams. This is in addition to taking food supplements, good nutrition and exercise. My family enjoyed regular yam patties for a while. Yam is one source of naturally occurring oestrogen, but quite an effort to mash.

One solution to ease vaginal dryness

If you want to avoid the graphic details of my journey with vaginal dryness, stop reading here. Vaginal dryness crept up on me, and I became reluctant to engage in penetrative sexual play until I discovered that regular activity in my vagina actually made the pain improve rather than worsen. I retreated from the dread of the words ‘vaginal atrophy’ by putting some practical steps into action.

Experimenting to find what works for me, I now have a daily practice of repeatedly inserting and removing a ribbed glass dildo into my vagina. You can find a selection at Women’s ‘adult emporium’ Sh! and other adult stores including Love Honey. This stretches my vaginal sphincter and helps my vaginal walls to lubricate. I use a dollop of ‘Yes VM’ natural organic vaginal moisturiser. (Their lubes are great too.) Over time I built up to moving swiftly in and out for a couple of minutes. Now I do it about 70 times every morning just before brushing my teeth. When I began, this was an unimaginable goal. But it has over time reversed the pain and dryness which I was experiencing during intimate touch.

Anything that enhances blood flow to the pelvic area may help. Practices of self-pleasure that work for you are worth experimenting with. I find ribbed glass good for stimulating and stretching, and the glass has a cooling sensation. I wish someone had given me a few tips, so I hope this will be useful information to pass on.

On the other side of menopause

What am I like several years on from my last period? A more direct communication style has replaced some of the buffers of ‘niceness’. I am more confident in who I am and what I want to do. My gender identity also feels less fixed, and also less important as my hair greys. Brain fog and memory lapses can make me feel at the edge of my capability, but I feel as though I have no time to waste, ready to offer my experience to the world as an elder in training.

My inexpert experiences here are a kind of coming out, to reveal what often remains unseen and unheard in the shadows. I value intergenerational work. The conversations I have with the extraordinary young people I come into contact with fill me with hope. The generations have such different perspectives and exposure to ideas around sexuality and the body. In writing this I offer an invitation to risk having conversations about the nitty gritty of life with elders and youngers alike.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome.  For more information about Grief Tending events see here.