31 Jan What to Say to a Grieving Person?
Being With Someone Who’s Grieving
I am a Grief Tender, and was recently asked “How do you learn to hold grief?” The practice of Grief Tending is all about becoming more comfortable with our own feelings, and also with others’ emotions. Although the question “What should I say to someone who’s grieving?” can be useful to explore, for me, it is more important to learn how to be with someone who’s grieving. This might include the pace and tone of voice, and body language, as well as words in order to offer supportive presence.
Learning How to Be With Someone Who’s Grieving
I am deliberately using the verb ‘to learn’. For many of us, we haven’t grown up with enough wise elders who could show us how to be with someone who’s grieving. The kind of relational intelligence it takes to know what to say to someone who’s in distress is not taught in schools. This is often now a skills gap in families and communities. It can be particularly difficult for young people to navigate talking to someone who is mourning if they have little or no experience of being around death or dying.
A Quiet Revolution in Grieving
There is something going on that is counter-cultural to the dominant norms of privacy around grieving. There is a quiet revolution that is happening in the culture of death and dying. People are discovering their agency around the theme. We are consuming books and films that illuminate the infinite ways to approach endings. We are talking about mortality at Death Cafés, that welcome conversations on the subject of death with tea and cake. People are engaging Death Doulas to support their choices at end of life. Groups like Companion Voices are singing with those who are approaching their end of life. People are choosing to design their own funerals – often with the support of an independent celebrant. The Dead Good Guide is a great place to look for inspiration for creative endings. And many are finding ways to process it all in community through grief rituals.
The Practice of Contemplating Change
It is essential if we are to support others who are grieving that we explore our own relationship with endings of all kinds. In Buddhism, there are explicit meditation practices to recognise that everything changes, and to contemplate ‘impermanence’ and suffering. In many indigenous and spiritual traditions, there are customs for ancestor veneration. Bringing those who came before us to mind, and perhaps giving thanks, or making an offering can develop a connection with someone who has died that we love. The Continuing Bonds theory of grieving (Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman) emphasises how helpful and comforting it can be to evolve a continuing relationship with a loved one who has died in their new and unfamiliar form, rather than detaching from someone who has died. Some of the simple rituals we use in Grief Tending can be a helpful way to do this, such as lighting a candle and pouring water.
Other People’s Grief
Other people’s grief may remind us of our own. What has not been processed or tended in our own lives may be a wound that another’s grief touches. For many, there is an impulse to avoid, deny or minimise our own troubles. When someone else in our life grieves, our own feelings may be activated. Sometimes it was necessary to put our grief out of our awareness in the past as an act of self-preservation. When this has happened, it often re-surfaces later, if circumstances change and it feels safe enough to process. In order to support others, it is important that we are willing to recognise our own grief and allow it space and attention.
What Not to Do
Grievers often express dismay at the absence of acknowledgement from other people. There is often already a feeling of lack of belonging to normal life, and avoiding them amplifies this. Grief is not infectious, but people sometimes behave as if it is. Saying nothing at all is the most unpopular, unsupportive strategy with someone who is grieving. “I don’t have the words,” is better than no words. Saying something formulaic and garbled is little better than saying nothing. The traditional, “I’m sorry for your loss” generally seems impersonal and inadequate.
Avoiding eye contact during the delivery of mumbled or hurried words can feel like another way to defend against any genuine connection with the griever. I have an aversion to the use of euphemisms like “passed away,” in place of “died”. But it is kind to listen to the griever and mirror their language rather than deliver words that they would find too direct. In the same way, it is helpful to take cues from the griever as we try to bring words of comfort. They may not be ready to talk. They may not want to divulge traumatic details or precise circumstances of a death, despite our curiosity, so wait for an invitation before asking direct and detailed questions.
The Words We Choose to Offer to A Grieving Person
In choosing words of comfort, I favour simple statements, offered with congruent hand and facial expressions. Something along these lines and said with authenticity might land gently.
“I’m so sorry.” Or, “I was really sad to hear of…” If I write a card, I try to remember a personal memory or appreciation of the person who has died. Avoid making yourself the centre of attention, but small details of remembrance can be received well.
Grievers often experience a profound sense of exclusion from normal everyday life. They may simply long to be asked, “How are you?” And when your world has just turned upside down, this can be too big a question. “How are you today?” can feel a more manageable enquiry.
An Invitation to Spaciousness
More than anything, grievers often need space to find their voice, their response. They may long for genuine invitations to say how they are, or to tell some of their story, or share the experience of their losses. For me, a slow, gentle invitation to speak or creating a receptive moment for a response, and just listening feels helpful. Avoid offering platitudes that are intended to minimise or console someone’s pain. Grief is better received without offering unasked for suggestions or solutions.
Ritual Ways to Welcome Grief
In Grief Tending events, we welcome many different experiences and emotions. We use simple rituals to encourage people to feel seen and heard. We use simple sentences to acknowledge someone’s grief, like:
“Thank you,” “I see you,” or “I hear you”. We may pour water as a symbolic gesture. Most importantly, we aim to bring our attention to the person who is sharing their experience. It can feel profoundly supportive for someone who is grieving to be listened to by others, who recognise the territory of grief, if not the same experience.
Holding Grief With Presence
If the situation allows it, I try to respond to someone’s grief with attuned presence rather than lots of words. I breathe, and if there is space and time, I often observe their breathing too. Holding space for people requires that my own nervous system is regulated and calm enough to be available to someone else. Listening to the suffering of another can feel overwhelming. In order to develop a sense of equanimity, I often call to mind what supports me, which I draw on in order to support others. Through regular contact with people who are grieving, and by exploring my own emotions, I am growing and expanding my capacity to be with grief.
Empathy not Sympathy
In the rack of greetings cards of condolence for someone who is grieving, there are cards that say “With deepest sympathy”, “sorry for your loss”, and “thinking of you”. The tones are muted, they are adorned with flowers, sunsets and stars. While for some, these will comfort, it can be helpful to choose an image and words that ring true for this particular person, in this particular situation. As you look for ways to acknowledge someone’s pain, I invite you instead to come alongside, to find your empathy, in order to ‘feel with’ rather than ‘feel for’ someone else’s sorrow.
Coming Together in Community
What is often missing in grief is a supportive community. How can we offer our presence in a way that brings people together, that provides food, human warmth, and connection? Notice whether we are bringing those who grieve into relationship or are separating them. Are we able to offer supportive presence and empathy to someone who is grieving in a way that meets where they are at, and welcomes them? As we become familiar with the landscape of grief, it is possible to move beyond words to offer some holding to someone who is grieving as they navigate emotional turmoil.
Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.
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