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04 Oct Recovery from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

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I recovered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

In Chronic Fatigue Syndrome there are broad similarities in its expression in different people, and there are unique circumstances that mean each healing journey of recovery will be unique. I recovered after eight years struggling with CFS/ME. It was a profound and transformative part of my life, although it didn’t feel like it at the time. I am writing about my recovery in the hope that it may inspire others to find their way out of the maze. This article is based on my own experience and understanding. Theories of recovery are constantly changing and new protocols being developed.

A Network of Resources

As a Grief Tender, I bring my understanding of working with all forms of loss. The first step with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as in Grief Tending work, is to find a network of resources, to anchor in things that inspire and support us. This may be values, faith, the more than human world, something greater than me, people I trust, a place that makes me feel good.

As a Grief Tender, I bring my understanding of working with all forms of loss. The first step with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as in Grief Tending work is to find a network of resources, to anchor in things that inspire and support us. This may be values, faith, the more than human world, something greater than me, people I trust, a place that makes me feel good.

What supports you?

People/animals
Practices/activities
Places/nature
Something greater than me
Self-compassion

“Move away from the bad stuff, move towards the good stuff.” RD

Worlds of pain and joy

A wise young friend of mine has found her own way to improve her mental health using this principle. I like the way she encapsulates worlds of pain and joy in this concise phrase. “Move away from the bad stuff, move towards the good stuff.”

The problem I had in putting this into action, was my inability to distinguish what was doing me harm, and what was beneficial to me. Some of the things I was doing, that I thought were doing me good – like sleeping during the day, wern’t always helpful. When I experimented with changing my activity instead of sleeping, it helped me to recognise whether I needed sleep, or whether I was using sleep to numb out.

Recovery from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a jigsaw puzzle and each person will need to explore which things in their lives are the bad stuff, and pursue a subtle path to uncover the good things too. There isn’t a universal set of instructions to figure it out. Learning to use mindfulness can be helpful in learning to notice and monitor our internal and external responses to external situations.

‘Life’s Energy Equation’

I find Dr Sarah Myhill’s basic protocol a very helpful frame to understand how to shift to a more balanced energy account. ‘Life’s Energy Equation’ as she describes it includes a leaky bucket on one side and fuel on the other. The leak in the bucket needs to be repaired, before adding fuel. In simple terms, the leak in the bucket is often the underlying emotional healing that is needed, and the creation of firm boundaries, so that our energy is not syphoned off to others. Until addressing the hole or holes in our system that lets energy flow out, anything else we do will be symptom management, rather than adding beneficial fuel.

Using the lens of balance can give a helpful overview to untangle the places where we may be losing energy, and the areas which need more good quality input or fuel.

Loss of Energy

What are the activities and people which deplete my energy?
What do I carry for others that is not mine, including from ancestral lines?
What do I take on that I don’t need to?
What do I need to let go of?
How do I drive myself?
What drives me?

Energy Credits

What nourishes me – activities, practices, people, places, sleep and food?
How do I find support?
What brings me fun, pleasure, joy?
What sustains and grows me?
What is missing that I need to find?

Healing the past

For me, repairing my energy bucket meant addressing some of the causes of emotional distress from childhood. I was lucky enough to discover an early Mickel Therapy protocol, and worked with a Mickel therapist and using elements of Reverse Therapy to address some of the traumatic events in my history. We worked somatically as I unravelled some of the developmental trauma and neglect from my childhood that I had explored previously in talk therapy, but not experientially through the body. Transforming Touch is a touch based practice (either in person or online) that I have also received which helps to regulate the nervous system and promote healing.

Repairing the body/mind split

Working with a somatic therapist also helped me to notice and prioritise the messages, requests and emergency signals that my body had been frantically trying to communicate to my cognitive awareness. These simple but essential signals had previously been ignored by my busy and capable mind. Pausing and developing mindfulness are simple ways to begin noticing what’s going on inside ourselves.

I discovered that I had been making logical but erroneous decisions about my wellbeing. I began to go to the toilet as soon as I registered the signal for a full bladder. I re-trained my mind to spot and respond to my body’s needs. I learned to notice how I was feeling physically and emotionally. I began to come down to earth.

Bridging the body/mind gap gradually builds trust so that the body’s emergency alert system calms. This creates a positive feedback loop. This and other ways to calm the nervous system are necessary to develop a more balanced, flexible ground state of being. This can be particularly hard when external pressures demand our attention, time, and energy, or add stresses without our consent.

Self-Care is a radical tool

I used to be too kind. I had a tendency to be co-dependent. I had responsibilities to a child, a partner, and a disabled parent. For the first time in my life I learned that my self-care was essential if I was going to be able to offer any support to the people around me. Boundaries were a new concept for me. I began to discover what I needed, what I enjoyed, what the post CFS/ME version of me might want to be. I learned how to make boundaries even with the people around me who had genuine needs. It may sound easy, or glib, but this took the most epic transformation. I needed to learn that I could only support others from a place of surplus.

‘What feels good to my body?’ This is a great question, and a whole field of enquiry. Physical touch is often one way to experience pleasure in our bodies. A good bodyworker is one way to find the tender care we may long for if we have the resources. It can also help us to map and connect our inner experience in the body. Massage is a tool that can also help us to access feeling, soothe, and find support. Self-massage or swapping a shoulder rub with a friend is one way to access positive touch.

With a ‘Healthy Human Culture’ lens

With her excellent ‘Healthy Human Culture’ frame, Sophy Banks’ zooms out the view of burnout. She has helped me to understand how a system (whether it is a body, an organisation, or a culture) becomes organised by trauma, and how to create return paths back to a regulated, regenerative, sustainable pattern. It can be particularly hard to discover sustaining patterns of health, and dealing with our pain in a culture that doesn’t value the wellbeing of all.

“I see that “burnout” is a worldwide condition of modern culture – globalised industrialisation and consumerism are rooted in extraction, disposability and accelerating speed, called growth. The same patterns of extracting from a system more quickly than it can replenish can also apply to groups or individuals – and sometimes we’re doing it to ourselves.” Sophy Banks

Finding ways to express emotions

Post Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I have become a Grief Tender, and have developed tools to access, process and express emotions. My understanding of grief includes a wide range of feelings including anger, fear, numbness, despair and relief as well as sadness. These (and many others) are natural responses to many different kinds of life events and situations, including loss, absence, longing, change and bereavement. Emotional flexibility is key to mind/body health.

Learning to access anger

I was socialised female, in a family that didn’t express much anger. I didn’t have role models or tools to find healthy expressions of injustice and frustration. Learning to be angry was part of my recovery. Taking the lid of emotions, and anger in particular, can open up energy that has been tied up in staying small, nice and safe. Grief Tending is a way to surface and express feelings in a context where people are held by the container of a supportive group.

There are many different routes and pathways for working with trauma in relation to patterns of ill health. It’s important to find ways that work for you to:

Find support
Recognise and process past hurt, loss, absences and longings
Learn how to notice, recognise, experience and express current feelings
Find new ways to discover what you love and enjoy

Good Fuel

Good nutrition is part of moving towards the ‘good stuff’. It might be a really important part of your plan for recovery. I am also wary of the many ways people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can be willing to try anything to recover. This often includes a lot of expensive supplements or healing modalities. Keep following your gut instincts. This might be exactly what you need, but remember fuel will only feed you once you have started work on repairing the holes in your bucket.

One of the foundation practices of my own recovery was to go for a walk in the park. It is free. I enjoy it. It connects me with nature. Decades on, it is still one of the most important things in my life. It is a life-affirming, health-giving part of my essential self-care practice.

Recovery is scary

As my health started to improve, I was able to do more, but there was a persistent anxiety. I didn’t want to return to the darkness of chronic illness. A return to health is also often a bumpy journey with ups, downs and plateaux. As my immune system re-balanced I had a series of dental abscesses. I am still sensitive around chemical perfumes. Learning to trust and love my body was a process. I continue to take very good care of myself, and I’m probably fitter now than I’ve ever been.

“We, all of us, are learning to be here now, experience sensation, notice, and come to understand that we are worthy, that there is nothing to do, and that our bodies are glorious.” Max Mora

What I love and what sustains me

I found Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’ another brilliant tool to help me get clear about boundaries with other people, and figure out what I wanted, and what I was tolerating. It is a practice that’s easy to learn, and starts as a touch practice, but can be applied to any aspect of life where we might give, take, receive or allow.

Along with walking, I discovered what I love and what sustains me – dancing, Pilates, feeding birds, meditating, sewing and drawing. I changed my lifestyle and found ways to express my sexuality. I started learning about grief, and changed my working life. In fact, having been through Chronic Fatigue Syndrome was an essential part of the learning that inspired me to become a Grief Tender and support others who are struggling with life’s challenges. By digging deep into my own journey into the underworld, I found gold.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

See previous post: ‘Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Grief’

Support Links:

If you are experiencing the symptoms of CFS/ME, consult your doctor to register the onset of symptoms and check for any other possible causes.

Dr Sarah Myhill’s ‘Life Energy Equation’ Protocol

Sophy Banks ‘Burnout or Balance’

Healthy Human Culture

CODA Codependents Anonymous

Mindfulness

Mickel Therapy

Reverse Therapy

Transforming Touch

Introduction to Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’

Action for ME

ME Association

Integrated Somatics

Max Mora and Sarah Pletts on ‘Working with Grief in the Body’

Self-Compassion

04 Oct Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Grief

Posted at 14:47h in Articles by admin 0 Comments

Looking back at Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

It is hard to describe the experience of having CFS after having recovered. Partly because having it was monotonous, relentless and difficult. Like many challenging experiences, our brains store these memories in a different way to the happy stories. For me, as with many others CFS brings poor memory and brain function as part of the symptom picture too. I chatted with JA, who has also recovered about how it was for them, and include some of their quotes in this article.

“Every bone and joint in my body hurt, and I didn’t have the energy to get up and go to the loo.” JA

What I expected but did not receive

I lost my thirties to CFS, at the time I expected to be building a career, and having children. This is an example of Francis Weller’s second Gate of Grief – ‘what I expected but did not receive’. Instead, I was lying motionless on a sofa, sometimes listening to classic audio books from the library, and staring at the blanket over my legs. I didn’t have the concentration to read. Music felt overpowering as if I had no skin. Chatting to others was exhausting.

Living in slow motion

My enduring memory of the experience was of watching the colours in the blanket. The light and shade in the room moved around like a sun dial, illuminating different colours and textures in the room. It was as though I was living in slow motion, my view of the world shrunk to the things I could see from the sofa.

“When I had CFS/ME, everything I thought was important got stripped away, so you get to find out what’s absolutely necessary.” JA

The symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Fatigue is usually the predominant symptom of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is not the kind of tiredness that comes at the end of a busy day, or after exertion. It is a deep, incapacitating, immobilising sensation where limbs feel as heavy as lead, and any activity is a huge effort. If you have experienced CFS, you will probably also have experienced well-meaning friends saying, “I feel really tired too.” It really isn’t every day ordinary tiredness.

These are the main symptoms that may be present in this debilitating chronic condition, although others may be part of the picture too. A range of symptoms must persist for over six months, and exclude other illnesses to secure a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (CFS/ME).

Extreme tiredness, especially after physical or mental activity
Brain fog, and memory problems
Dizziness, sore throat, headaches
Muscle weakness (and for some muscle and joint pain or fibromyalgia)
Disrupted sleep patterns, and waking tired after sleeping

My experience of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

I felt ancient. I noticed octogenarians who were moving at my new pace; invisible and over-taken on the pavement by the able-bodied young. Any energy I had was used up doing essential tasks and trying to manage my limited energy.

“I tried everything, which drained my resources financially and energetically.” JA

I was lucky. I had a supportive partner. We had enough resources to survive. I could put my attention on trying to understand Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and work out how to improve my health. In those days there wasn’t much support available. CFS was also stigmatised by many who saw sufferers as malingerers or wrote it off as depression. My experience was relatively mild for most of the years I was affected. I had several periods where I was sofa-ridden for a few months at a time, and gradually recovered with brief relapses. Some people are very severely affected and need personal care.

An alchemical transformation

I am not a fan of ungrounded positive thinking, and blaming people for their choices, for creating their Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It was, however, a learning process for me. Looking back at my eight years of debilitating symptoms, I see it as an alchemical process. I was tempered in the crucible of Chronic Fatigue, which transformed me into the person I have become. It’s hard to quantify the changes in me; I felt like I had been on a meditation retreat for eight years. It wasn’t easy. It involved a rigorous examination of every aspect of my life, changes in how I thought, felt, behaved and related.

“I felt like a reverse sleeping beauty and woke up 9 years later, 9 years older.” JA

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and grief

From my subjective vantage point I want to share some of my observations about my experience of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and recovery from it. Since becoming well, I have become a Grief Tender. The more I learn about grief and the grieving process, the more I see some external parallels between grief and burnout/CFS. Although the experience of CFS is predominantly physical collapse, and grief is more emotional although there are impacts on the body too.

With both Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and complicated or prolonged grief, there are some commonalities before, during and after the onset of symptoms or the impact of grief. These include:

Pre-existing loading that underlies the onset of CFS/grief
During the experience of CFS/grief the symptoms are broad – affecting the whole mind/body system
The context and life situation around the person experiencing CFS/grief are important factors
Secondary losses that happen as a result of or after the onset of CFC/grief
Routes to recovery, moving through CFS/grief are life-changing experiences
Recovery will involve growing a new life as part of our unique journey around, through and beyond CFS/grief

The conditions or loading preceding CFS/grief

My understanding and experience of developing CFS was that it was preceded by a ‘loading’ of different physical, emotional, mental and spiritual causes. My mind/body system was trying to deal with more than it could handle.

In my case this included some developmental trauma from unresolved childhood issues, becoming a new step-parent of a very active child, moving house, getting married, working erratically as a freelancer (feast or famine), some digestive issues, poor blood sugar management, being an only child of a parent with a mental health diagnosis, and then a series of infections on top – chickenpox, Hepatitis A, then flu. Although it felt like a normal but chaotic set of circumstances, my system was overloaded and suddenly crashed.

Emotional triggers causing physiological effects

There were many factors in the mix that it took me years to unravel. Adrenal burnout was certainly part of my physiological cocktail. My system was simultaneously on emergency alert, (adrenalin rushes, muscles tensed unable to switch off, digestion suspended), and with an emergency braking mechanism also on, causing more of a freeze response. With the help of a Mickel therapist, (thank you Jane Orton) I began the detective work of seeing my emotional triggers that were causing physiological effects. And my physical symptoms were very real. I also needed to understand nervous system states, and learn tools for self and co-regulation.

“The worst thing about having CFS/ME is not knowing how long it is going to last.” JA

Secondary losses caused by illness/grief

As in someone’s personal grief landscape, the circumstances in the build-up, the particular symptom picture during, and the context it happens in are all relevant. The consequences or secondary losses will also be part of the unique picture of someone’s life. The inner and outer resources, as well as the support systems available will also impact someone’s ability to recover, and at what pace. People have the freedom to make their own choices, but they are also subject to their particular environment, and luck.

“There are very real mental health issues of having CFS, of being in this for so long.” JA

In Grief Tending workshops, I often remind people of the many different influences on their circumstances – which may include culture, faith, class, gendered socialisation, health, neurological wiring, sexuality, trauma history, wealth, family or lack of it, and ancestral histories to name a few. The impacts that land in these terrains create a unique set of circumstances in each of us.

Processing Grief

Processing grief may be an important part of a recovery plan from CFS. There are often pre-existing grief loads from the time before CFS. Then there is always the grief of what has been lost, missed, longed for, and the pain carried since having CFS. As well as the lost hopes and dreams of our imagined futures, there are often lost opportunities, lost friendships, lost identities, reduced resources, and lost time spent with our loved ones.

There are different kinds of chronic energy collapse including Long Covid, Autistic burnout, work burnout, Post Viral Syndrome, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. There can be varying symptoms, durations and overlapping syndromes between them. There may be one apparent cause, although that may just be ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’. I’m not a medical professional and there are still many competing theories and perspectives on both cause and cure. Grief in its widest sense may be one of many contributing factors. And where there is chronic illness, which precipitates other losses, grief is usually part of the whole picture. All the things that have been lost as a result of any chronic condition, as well as anticipatory grief/anxiety for what is still to come.

“You don’t understand what it’s like unless you’ve been through it.” JA

Grieving Together

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a lonely journey. Finding spaces where it is possible to be part of a group experience, while taking care of our needs can be problematic. Finding connection while navigating chronic illness is often beyond our capacity.

Many people who are sick approach our Grief Tending workshops with trepidation, but find them a useful place to connect with others who are going through life-changing circumstances and learning how to be with life’s desperate times and conditions that are so often isolating.

See article on ‘Recovery from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome’

Support Links:

If you are experiencing the symptoms of CFS/ME, consult your doctor to register the onset of symptoms and check for any other possible causes.

NHS Chronic Fatigue Symptoms
ME Association

27 Sep Grief Tending Training

Posted at 16:20h in Articles by admin 0 Comments

A Training in Grief Tending

The ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ programme is a training in Grief Tending. It is a short, deep immersion into the practice of facilitating groups through grief. On the training we teach how to lead a tried and tested guided journey for people who are experiencing grief. Students are given tools to work with ritual, and somatic practices which encourage people’s ability to anchor in resource, surface feelings, express in different ways, and regulate their nervous systems.

“Powerful group work and processes for tending grief with integrity and tenderness. Transformational work needed for today.” Former participant

The Teachers of Grief Tending

Building on the teachings of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé, Francis Weller, Joanna Macy, Martin Prechtel, this lineage was orginally woven by Maeve Gavin, and has been carried forward by Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres. The current form of this Grief Tending training was crafted by Sophy Banks and evolved by the team, who each bring their own wisdom and experience to ‘Apprenticing to Grief’. Ultimately, it is grief who is the teacher, and brings us to work with the medicine of Grief Tending.

Learning Modules

This Grief Tending training includes learning modules on:

The shape of a Grief Tending event
Holding ceremony and ritual
Safety and ethics
Facilitating groups
Holding space for grief in different contexts

Embodied and Experiential Learning

The design of the training emphasises embodied and experiential learning. The structure of the programme includes the opportunity to practice facilitating part of a Grief Tending journey with encouragement and supportive reflections from the group. Participants gain a clear understanding of the Grief Tending form, the skills needed, and a practical understanding of their strengths in relation to this work.

Roles Explored on the Training

Through the brilliant design of the ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ training, students work on multiple levels to gain understanding. We use the metaphor of ‘hats’ to differentiate between role switches, such as:

Participant – in my own grief process
Apprentice – learning about Grief Tending
Facilitator – delivering content and holding space
Meta – looking at the meta-perspective

Welcoming Diversity

In our Grief Tending training, we invite students to explore and expand their capacity to hold space for grief. This includes an understanding of facilitating across difference. We welcome participants from diverse backgrounds. This is reflected in the sliding scale of fees, and application process.

Who Trains as a Grief Tender?

People approach our Grief Tending training from a wide variety of backgrounds. Some may already be a helping professional, or working alongside vulnerable people. Some may have a strong spiritual or nature connection practice. Others may be stepping toward holding space for grief from a background in the arts or activism. Sometimes people already teach or facilitate groups, while others may be doulas or work with the bereaved. We aim not to exclude those who have relevant life experience; but may not have any therapeutic qualifications.

Gain Confidence and Knowledge

As a consequence of this broad mix, ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ is not a complete training. People come with such a wide variety of expertise, ages, and experience. After this intense, brief course, as well as gaining confidence and knowledge, students will also identify areas in which they may need further development or study.

Our Network of Apprentices

Although it is widely practiced, Grief Tending does not currently have a registration body. It often takes place in grassroots communities. The training provides a strong grounding in professional practice, but it is not currently certificated. However, after the training programme, our Apprenticing network is available to all alumni. We hold quarterly meetings for support and Continued Professional Development. There are also regular meetings for those organising Grief Tending events. We also offer assisting opportunities as a pathway for those who have completed the training and are building their practical experience, as well as options for mentoring.

Pre-Requisites for Applicants

Before undertaking a training in Grief Tending, we ask that people have experience of the practice by attending an event held by someone on the Apprenticing team. As well as a commitment to doing our own inner work, and ensuring that we are adequately supported, experiencing different Grief Tending events really helps students step towards becoming a Grief Tender.

Honouring Our Gifts

Before I became a Grief Tender, I was looking for something that would bring together the many segments of my own Venn diagram. These included:

Creativity and ritual
Nature and spirituality
Intimacy and relating
Embodiment and trauma
Systems thinking and processing pain
Mortality and grief
Community and care

Being of Service

Grief Tending training was a direction that made sense of my interests and skills. I was looking for a way to be of service in a world riddled with many kinds of grief, while living in a grief-phobic culture. The ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ training valued my unconventional life path and recognised the experience gained. This is a practice that does not ask for years of training at vast expense. I was welcomed onto the training, and my gifts were valued. I was encouraged to bring my own flavour into my development as a Grief Tender.

Grief Tending Training Since 2019

Along with two of my co-workers, Bilal Nasim and Tony Pletts, I was one of the first cohort of students in March 2019. Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres inspired and guided us on our ‘Apprenticing to Grief’. Since then, the Grief Tending training programme has evolved and been refined into its current form.

Two Different Formats

The Grief Tending training now takes place in two different formats:

In person, over a week (This is offered twice a year in the UK)
Online, three modules, each 3 days long, plus 2 short extra sessions.

I have supported the programme many times, and also now co-lead on a regular basis. I will be co-facilitating with Jeremy Thres online in Spring 2026, and in person in Oxford in Autumn 2026. Further details, dates, fees and applications here.

“A really transformational, caring and beautiful experience and practice that should be available to everyone.” Former participant

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see the Embracing Grief website.

28 Aug In the Absence of the Ordinary

Posted at 20:31h in Book Reviews by admin 0 Comments

‘In the Absence of the Ordinary: Soul Work for Times of Uncertainty’ is a collection of essays by Francis Weller. Each essay takes a different theme, to wind a path forward through ‘the Long Dark’, as he calls these times. His words taste like dark chocolate – a bitter sweet medicine for the times of uncertainty which we are living in.

In acknowledging the disturbing nature of life amongst wars, genocide, changing weather patterns, and loss of species to name a few, Francis Weller encourages us to turn towards grief and fear with self-compassion. “Ritual, prayer, meditation and creativity are ways to foster an intimacy with the world of soul and soul of the world.”

Understanding the disturbance to the psyche of collective trauma and the prevalence of personal traumas, he reframes these experiences as ‘rough initiations.’ Through finding ways to hold trauma in community and with ritual, and opening to the sacred brings transformation that is not just personal, but for our collective wellbeing.

In his book ‘In the Absence of the Ordinary’, Frances Weller encourages us to reconnect with our indigenous soul – to do our inner work for the benefit and with the support of our village. Tending our hearts is necessary work for our communities, and we need a village to hold us to do this work.

“The weight of grief and suffering that we are facing is more than we can hold in isolation.”

He reminds me of the profound change that comes with appreciation of beauty. To find our way back to what is sacred through bringing presence to a reciprocal engagement with nature. My relationship with particular crows is both meaningful and subversive. Francis Weller inspires me to feel that my small acts of connection with nature in a world that is fuelled by consumption, privatisation and individualism are worthwhile.

I continue to trust my deep instincts that feel the desecration of my environment and offer ways for people to come together to grieve. In a world where burnout is prevalent, he urges us to rest.

“To stop, rest, and disengage from the mania of productivity, achievement, and speed”.

The temptation “to forget and go numb” is huge, but Francis Weller’s words inspire with ways to stay awake, to shed, to grow and to approach our own regeneration so that we might become imperfect, kind elders. Calling us eloquently into relationship with all life, Francis Weller invites us to offer thanks, to slow down for our survival. His message is ultimately hopeful.

For more about Francis Weller’s ‘Wild Edge of Sorrow’ see my article ‘Francis Weller’s Gates of Grief and Me’, and in ‘Best Grief Books’ article.

22 Aug Free Taster Event

Posted at 16:13h in Sarah's Journal by admin 0 Comments

If any of these resonate, come to one of our Taster Events.

• I’ve seen your events, but I don’t know if it’s for me.
• I haven’t heard of Grief Tending, what is it?
• I think I need something like this, but it makes me feel anxious.
• Is this too alternative for me?
• I feel too shy to do this with others.

Some common reasons that people try Grief Tending are:

• I don’t have any space to grieve.
• I feel afraid of the future.
• I feel sad or angry.
• I don’t feel anything.
• I want to connect more deeply to my grief.

In one of our Taster Events you can:

• See and hear the Embracing Grief Team.
• Discover more about the practice of Grief Tending.
• Ask questions.
• Taste the Embracing Grief vibe.

Book here to see all of our upcoming events.
Subscribe to our Grief Tending mailing list by ‘Following with email’.

Contact us if you would like us to offer a Taster event for your organisation or group.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see the Embracing Grief website.

10 Jul Best Grief Books

Posted at 17:12h in Articles, Book Reviews by admin 0 Comments

At different times in our grief journey we may reach for a book about grief. But which are the best books to bring comfort for different life challenges? The right book at the right time can offer a life-line in the bewildering mix of feelings and circumstances that grief is made up of. Through reading the words of others, we may find solace, and the recognition that we are not alone with grief.

Here are some of my favourite books on grief, in its widest context. Many have accompanied me at times of need and in relation to Anticipatory Grief, in preparation for times to come. There’s even a word for looking for support from a book – ‘bibliotherapy’.

I’m going to use Francis Weller’s ‘Gates of Grief’ in this article as a way into the landscape of grief. As a starting point to feel into, each gate opens wide into many sources of grief. Which are the best grief books for each situation? With each Gate I suggest books that might be relevant.

ALL THAT WE LOVE WE WILL LOSE
(Francis Weller’s 1^st Gate of Grief)

Best Books for Grieving and Need Help Now

‘Tending Grief’ by Camille Sapara Barton

If you are in acute grief and can’t concentrate long enough to get to the next paragraph, let alone read a book, but are willing to try some simple exercises, jump to Part 2 of ‘Tending Grief’ by Camille Sapara Barton. This section is a toolkit of supportive grief practices and rituals.

Quote: “These grief spaces will enable us to make generative connections between our own lives, our ancestors, and the stories of the lands we inhabit or are ancestrally connected to. We will all have space in the community to be with our sorrow and be embraced with tenderness.”

‘The Grief Book’ by Debbie Moore and Carolyn Cowperthwaite

If you can’t cope with doing a five-minute exercise, or concentrate at all, ‘The Grief Book’ is a little treasure trove of bite size pieces of information and coping strategies, to take in small steps.

Quote: “Everybody’s grief is unique. However you have reacted so far is fine, it’s how you needed to be. There is no one correct way to grieve. There are as many different ways to grieve, as there are people grieving.”

Best Books for Understanding Grief

‘The Wild Edge of Sorrow’ by Francis Weller

If you or someone you know is grieving, and you want to find your way around the territory, ‘The Wild Edge of Sorrow’ is an excellent guide. Francis Weller describes the many different reasons we may grieve. It offers a way to navigate the complex and intertwined sources of grief. And it provides a framework for collective grief rituals, which can help us to make sense of it all. It is written in beautiful language which speaks to the soul. Francis Weller provides a series of ‘Gates of Grief’ which may resonate with you personally, or in a messy tangle of inter-weaving reasons to grieve.

Quote:“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.”

‘Bearing the Unbearable’ by Joanne Cacciatore

This book brings a rich mix of deep wisdom that is anchored in the stories of those who have experienced traumatic grief. The death of Joanne Cacciatore’s new born daughter was her doorway into the exploration of suffering through loss. ‘Bearing the Unbearable’ does not sweeten the pill of needing to pause and be with grief, but does so with compassion. Short digestible chapters build up an understanding of grief. While Joanne Cacciatore focuses on the death of a loved one, she also recognises the threat that unprocessed grief poses in our communities and societies.

Quote: “When we love deeply, we mourn deeply; extraordinary grief is an expression of extraordinary love. Grief and love mirror each other; one is not possible without the other.”

Best Book for Coping With the Loss of A Loved One

‘It’s OK That You’re Not OK’ by Megan Devine

If you have lost someone dear to you – whether family member, close friend or beloved pet, this is a practical guide to personal loss. Megan Devine brings an understanding of the grief-phobic culture you are likely experiencing that loss in. There is an invitation to the reader to approach and use the chapters in any order. It is brilliant and helpful. There is also a fantastic section about what to say and how to be with someone who is grieving.

Quote: “The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of. You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”

THE PLACES THAT DID NOT RECEIVE LOVE

(Francis Weller’s 2^nd Gate of Grief)

Best Book for Coping with the Legacy of Unmet Needs

‘Self-Compassion – the proven power of being kind to yourself’ by Kristin Neff

Kristin Neff describes the science behind why self-compassion is a powerful strategy, and how to put it into practice. This book has a simple message told in detail. It doesn’t have a grief focus; but in working with grief of all kinds, self-compassion is a simple and effective tool. In the absence of care for all parts of ourselves, and faced with expectations that are impossible to meet, we may have a fierce critical voice inside us. The legacy of neglect or an absence of support is often a sense that ‘it’s my fault’. The many ways this internalised voice gives us a hard time, can be gently re-oriented with self-compassion. There are some guided exercises to help practice self-compassion, if reading a whole book feels unmanageable.

Quote: “When we consistently give ourselves nurturance and understanding, we also come to feel worthy of care and acceptance. When we give ourselves empathy and support, we learn to trust that help is always at hand. When we wrap ourselves in the warm embrace of self-kindness, we feel safe and secure.”

Best Book for Processing the Grief of Childhood Trauma

‘Unshame’ by Carolyn Spring

Shame is a feeling that is entangled with relationships, with how others see us. If we did not receive the loving care and attention that we deserved as children, or as adults, grief for the places in us that weren’t loved may be coupled with shame. Carolyn Spring is a survivor and guide for those who have experienced abusive or coercive behaviour, which can leave us with a feeling of unworthiness that may be internalised as toxic shame. In a culture where grief is not welcomed, shame may also be entangled with the way we grieve. Self-kindness is one of the most important needs when working with painful feelings.

Quote: “There’s all this stuff – the trauma, the abuse, the stuff that happened to me – and it’s messed my life up, but I mustn’t tell anyone or talk about it or refer to it or be affected by it, because it’s too much. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to know about it. .No one wants to feel it. So I have to hide it and hide it, and I have to push it away deep down within myself, so that no one can see. But it doesn’t go away and it doesn’t stop affecting me and it’s all too much…”

THE SORROWS OF THE WORLD
(Francis Weller’s 3^rd Gate of Grief)

Best Books for the Impact of Grief for Our World

‘Tending Grief’ by Camille Sapara-Barton

In the first part of the book, Barton introduces the practice of Grief Tending. Barton shows how the consequences of untended grief create further harms. The consequences are loaded against those who have less power or have experienced marginalisation. It is necessary to recognise the political, social, and cultural contexts that loss and trauma happen in. Tending our own grief – especially in groups is a route to find balance, restoration and resilience in the face of suffering and injustice. This is an act of community benefit, and not just for our personal development. Tending grief is a form of activism. It is needed as a balance to action in social justice movements. It may help us to face the fear and anger of anticipatory grief in relation to climate change, violence, oppression and systems of harm.

Quote: “As counterintuitive as it feels, embracing grief in agreed-upon containers would bring so many treasures to this work. When we set down what is too heavy to carry, it creates more space to think in a flexible way, to orient from a place of love rooted in what we care about and how we wish to operate in integrity. Tending grief can support us to feel more choice and support us to resolve conflicts, build trust, and engage in somatic transformation as a group – changing ways of being that have become automatic.”

‘Earth Grief’ by Stephen Harrod Buhner

Earth Grief invites us to face what is happening in our home planet, and to us as part of nature. Stephen Harrod Buhner places responsibility and accountability squarely on the shoulders of the polluters and extractors, rather than holding personal guilt. For me, his love and connection with the natural world help me to acknowledge what is happening, and to sit with the discomfort of this a little more comfortably. The overwhelm and disconnection are part of my coping strategies, and yet he calls on us to keep feeling.

Quote: “Astonishingly enough, the decision to turn the face to the source of the pain and grief, to fully embrace it, stimulates, over time, the emergence of the form of Earth work that is uniquely yours to do: work that comes from your essential genius, the work you were born to do, the work that Earth needs you and only you to do.”

‘Hospicing Modernity’ by Vanessa Andreotti

How do we begin to include collective endings? Coming to terms with the times we live in can be too overwhelming to begin to contemplate. Vanessa Andreotti is clear that if we really feel the myriad ways in which modern life is failing humanity, we will have to come to terms with the difficult feelings that may be unleashed. Andreotti illuminates the inter-relationships between systems of oppression, social injustices and extractive, exploitative businesses. She urges us to face the systems we are part of in order to understand and change our mode of engagement. For me, there is relief in this unflinching look at the consequences of current complexities, with an awareness of the differences between those in high or low intensity struggles. Understanding Andreotti’s world view may be a first step in engaging with grassroots, indigenous perspectives and finding ways to honour the more-than-human-world in our human struggle.

Quote: “The basic premise of the methodology is that if we cannot hold space for the complexities within us, there is no chance for us to hold space for the complexities around us.”

WHAT WE EXPECTED AND DID NOT RECEIVE
(Francis Weller’s 4^th Gate of Grief)

Best Book that Recognises the Longing for Belonging

‘Of Water and the Spirit’ by Malidoma Patrice Somé

Malidoma Somé’s powerful memoir is about life in his Dagara village in Burkino Faso in Africa, that is undergoing changes brought about by colonisation. He experiences both a deep connection with his ancestral lineage, and a separation through his education in a Jesuit school. What ensues in an exploration of what happens in the absence of initiation, and the importance of connection with elders and ancestors. Documenting a society in flux both describes what our nervous systems have been designed to expect, and what happens when the lines of culture, tradition and care are broken.

Quote: “Wealth (among the Dagara) is determined not by how many things you have, but by how many people you have around you.”

Best Book for the Grief of Broken Hopes and Dreams

‘Billy, Me & You’ by Nicola Streeten

A brilliant graphic novel that tells the story of the grief and recovery from the death of her child in drawings. Billy died at 2, and this memoir was drawn several years later, based on the diary Nicola Streeten made at the time. It is full of the sad, annoying, odd things that happen in a grieving family. It includes the raw, but also observes the particulars of how the death of a child was handled by those around the family. I love the details about behaviours and biscuits that bring it to life and make it so relatable. It is both funny and real.

Quote: “This daily crying was a psychological necessity, like a bowel movement. But I was terrified by the surrounding taboo – the social limits to the display of grief and the involuntary judgements of others. At the same time I knew I would lose my mind if I bottled up such intense pain.”

Best Books When Facing Death and Dying

‘One Last Thing’ by Wendy Mitchell

Wendy Mitchell is a great guide to the options and decisions around end of life. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia, and became an advocate for the disease. Agency and choice are key guiding principles as she faces her own end of life. With family and medical professionals, she systematically explores her options in a frank, and friendly manner. This is the last of three books in which she explores focussing on living and what she is able to do despite having dementia. Highly recommended as inspiration for living fully and putting your affairs in order.

Quote: “I am not trying to tell you how death must be done, or how it should feel for you. I just want to gently remind you that one day it will come, and the more prepared you are, the more conversations you are able to have with medical professionals and with those you love, the more empowered you will feel to live in the now – and you don’t need a progressive or terminal illness to do that.”

‘Grace and Grit’ by Ken Wilber

Cancer diagnosis and treatment have changed hugely since this was first published in 1991, but it remains one of my favourite books on facing illness. Essentially, it is a love story, written between and through Ken Wilber and his wife Treya; two eloquent people each with their own spiritual and creative practices. Grief is intimately entwined with love, as its shadow twin. In addition to being a story about being or caring for someone with cancer, ‘Grace and Grit’ also offers an examination of the judgements and blame that may be ascribed to someone already dealing with the facts and physical consequences of illness. The authors examine the cultural meanings of the ‘sickness’ as seen by both orthodox and alternative medical perspectives. The book is also part mystical dive into the relationship between spirituality and mortality.

Quote: “The thought of losing her was unbearable. The only recourse I had was to try to stay in the awareness of impermanence, where you love things precisely because they are fleeting. I was slowly learning that love did not mean holding on, which I had always thought, but rather letting go.”

ANCESTRAL GRIEF
(Francis Weller’s 5^th Gate of Grief)

Best Books on Digesting Intergenerational Grief

‘The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise’ by Martin Prechtel

Martin Prechtel describes how undigested grief is carried down through generations. He shares his own experiences and brings indigenous wisdom from the Mayan Tz’utujil people of Guatemala, he calls for rituals and practices that process untended grief. His words weave magic in appreciation of the wild, deep, wonder of the world.

Quote: “When you have two centuries of people who have not properly grieved the things that they have lost, the grief shows up as ghosts that inhabit their grandchildren.”

‘Healing Collective Trauma’ by Thomas Hübl

Thomas Hübl recognises that collective trauma needs to be transformed in collective spaces. In this book he brings together the theories that help to understand how collective trauma is formed – through group experiences that impact whole communities. He describes the ways in which unresolved past suffering of traumatised persons is carried between generations. He also examines ways in which we may begin to attune and witness in group processes in order to begin the work of systemic healing. In a world where violence, war and oppression are rife, ongoing intergenerational trauma requires understanding and a willingness to do the deep work of healing together.

Quote: “Explicit traumas may injure the current function and ongoing development of individuals, while the enduring and implicit effects of trauma across individuals generate a vibration of suffering within a culture. This tapestry becomes a wavefield of collective trauma, and every human culture expresses pockets of generational trauma.”

THE HARMS I HAVE CAUSED MYSELF AND OTHERS
(Additional Gate from Sophy Banks and Azul Thomé)

Best Books on the Grief I Have Caused

‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’ by Gabor Maté

Addictions may be a manifestation of ways in which we harm ourselves and others. Our accommodations that created protective defences may be maladaptive in our current life circumstances; but were much needed protectors at times in our lives when there was more stress or trauma than we could cope with. If adverse childhood experiences were a part of your development, you may resonate with Gabor Maté’s classic exploration of the relationship between developmental trauma and addiction. He also makes a clear case for neglect and absence of attunement from care givers as a significant form of developmental trauma. Maté makes the link between our painful feelings and adaptations – such as addictions – to manage feelings. Addictions may be a way in which we have inflicted harm on both ourselves and others. Managing active addiction is usually a necessary first step. Different chapters of the book explore different themes.

Quote: “A child can also feel emotional distress when their parent is physically present but emotionally unavailable. Even adults know that kind of pain when someone important to us is bodily present but psychologically absent. This is the state the seminal researcher and psychologist Allan Schore has called ‘proximal separation’.”

‘The Entangled Activist’ by Anthea Lawson

There are many impacts which happen to us that cause us to feel grief. However, there may also be a significant number of ways we may have caused harm. Despite our best intentions, our entanglement with the world of relationships and complex global problems can make our helping impulses manifest as over-giving or rescuing. The ways in which our need to do good in the world, can become part of the problem. Anthea Lawson is a shrewd, observer of herself, the organisations she has served and the scope of problems with deep intractable causes. Rather than rush into head-driven solutions, this book is an invitation to slow down and take a good long look at our motives and find our way back.

Quote: “Sophy Banks observes that the ‘missing link’ in traumatised cultures is the ‘return path’ from the fight/flight or freeze states to regular nervous system functioning. The return path should be a social one. People who have experienced trauma need the soothing of others. They need holding and they need practices that create safety and that support them to ‘shake out’ the emotional and physical residue of the event.”

OTHER
(An extra Gate so that everything is welcome)

‘Grief is a Thing With Feathers’ by Max Porter

This is a book that doesn’t neatly fall into a pigeon hole. It is not a personal memoir, and it is written by a poet, but defies being ‘poetry’. Like crow – a metaphor for grief – it is wild, raw at the edges, clever, enchanting, and curious about mortality. It drops lines like feathers, which speak volumes, and allows ‘Crow’ to cajole, poke, laugh and expand our understanding of a Dad and his two sons, who have lost their mother.

Quote: “The house becomes a physical encyclopaedia of no-longer hers, which shocks and shocks and is the principal difference between our house and a house where illness has worked away. Ill people, in their last day on Earth, do not leave notes stuck to bottles of red wine saying ‘OH NO YOU DON’T COCK-CHEEK’. She was not busy dying, and there is no detritus of care, she was simply busy living, and then she was gone.”

‘Hell Yeah Self-Care! A Trauma-Informed Workbook’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker recognise that different things work for different people at different times in terms of self-care. This fundamental understanding is part of a trauma-informed approach that acknowledges the context that we operate in, including our histories and neurobiologies. Self-care as defined here is a radical practice. This work book offers an opportunity to explore what works for us, what blocks us, and what it means to be kind to ourself (or selves). It includes lots of questions and blank pages for reflection.

Quote: “We’re part of systems, such as families, cultures, communities and so on. Our relationships with these systems shape our capacity to care for ourselves and others.”

I have read and enjoyed many other really good books on the themes of dying, death and grief. In this article I have tried to identify the best books – both well written and applicable to someone facing the natural spectrum of emotions that make up a particular source of grief. I find using Francis Weller’s ‘Gates of Grief’ as a framework helpful to understand the many possible layers and sources of grief that may be part of someone’s unique grief picture.

03 Jul Self-Compassion

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Kristin Neff’s ‘Self-Compassion – the proven power of being kind to yourself’ is a guide to how and why developing self-compassion is an invaluable tool for resilience. Neff offers practical steps to becoming more self-compassionate, and unpicks the pre-requisite ingredients.

As a result of the internalised expectations from unsupportive care-givers, competitive education, driven work environments and abusive systems and systemic cultural norms and social media, a judgemental inner voice is often running inside us.

In working with people who are coping with the challenges of grief, I often discover how much they are giving themselves a hard time, which exacerbates the emotional turmoil they are already facing. People often believe they are wrong in some way. They imagine they are grieving to hard, too long, not enough, or not in the right way. Teaching simple tools for self-compassion is an essential part of the Grief Tending approach we use. Kristin Neff explains the research that supports the benefits of self-compassion.

Neff defines self-compassion as requiring self-kindness, recognising our common humanity and mindfulness. Ending a habitual tendency for self-criticism requires regular self-nurture and care. She explains ways to do this like a self-hug which releases oxytocin in a similar way to a hug from another. Our nervous system usually responds positively to caring touch, which soothes. Learning to recognise our needs is the beginning of the way to shift from inner judgement to care.

Through Grief Tending, people often uncover a sense of shared humanity. It is powerful to experience that we are not alone with our suffering. The “suffering with” others of compassion is another piece in allowing ourselves more self-kindness. Neff’s research-based work looks at self-compassion as a personal strategy. She focuses less on the context in which we suffer, our external circumstances, which may be integral to our agency to practice self-compassion.

A mindful noticing of our emotional states is necessary to recognise them and offer ourselves kindness. People often understand the grief of bereavement, but may fail to register how many other sources of suffering they are carrying. Developing our self-compassion also builds our capacity to hold others,

“Our research shows that self-compassion allows us to feel others’ pain without being overwhelmed by it. It other words, when we recognize how difficult it is sometimes to be there for people who are struggling, and comfort ourselves in the process, we are able to be stronger, more stable, and resilient when supporting others in their suffering.”

“It’s not as scary to confront emotional pain when you know that you will be supported throughout the process.” Self-compassion is a way to manage our pain, by acknowledging hurt, and offering simple caring touch. Reading ‘Self-Compassion’ is a first step. Building habits around self-kindness is what may make the difference when we are coping with loss and emotional hurt.

For Grief Tending workshops in London and online see here.

18 Jun Hello This is Death

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“Why did you become a Grief Tender?” People often ask me why I hold Grief Tending spaces. There have been a number of profound experiences of grief and loss in my life. ‘Hello This is Death’ describes one of them. It is an animated hand-drawn book that I made in 2020 while I was learning to animate with Tony Gammidge. It is a series of images using felt-tip, crayon and ink. ‘Hello This is Death’ tells a visual story of my response to the death of my father.

My father died suddenly at 63. It wasn’t my first encounter with death, but it was the first one that turned my life upside down. I was a typically chaotic, naive 23 year old. It was a very intense time for me as I navigated a huge range of feelings, which is normal in any grief process. I reacted very differently to my mother, which added to my confusion.

There were also a lot of practical steps to take care of, many of which I attempted. In ‘Hello This is Death’ you can see some of the ways I responded to the situation. I try to convey the sense of unreality that I experienced, going through my own grieving process, while normal life continued.

When my father died, I felt as though I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t have any skills that were useful. Many people were generally unhelpful, and gave me bad advice. Most didn’t know how to be with someone who is grieving, and even at my father’s funeral someone tried to stop me from crying, just at the moment when I found an outpouring of tears.

Part of my investigation in the decades since he died, has been to find out how to be with death in a better way. I have had the chance to practice being with someone during their final years and last days several times since then. Each time I have learned more about the process of dying, and the practice of grieving.

Watch ‘Hello This is Death’ on YouTube. You can see some of my animated videos about Grief Tending here, and book Grief Tending workshops here.

15 Jun UK AIDS Quilt

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The UK AIDS Quilt is a series of 42 large panels plus 23 smaller textile panels to commemorate over 380 people who dies of AIDS in the 1980’s and 1990’s. It was also designed to raise awareness of the ongoing AIDS pandemic.

Each panel is comprised of about 8 individual textile pieces. Each piece is made to remember someone. Friends and families have sewn and painted names, dates, images, symbols and words that reflect each person represented. There are a few famous names portrayed too including Bruce Chatwin, and Denholm Elliott. There are more details about each panel including the names of those who died on the UK AIDS Quilt website.

Shown together at the Tate Modern, the quilt brings a joyous clash of colours and styles – more outsider art than usually adorns the space. It is lying for a few days in the cavernous Turbine Hall, which easily swallows its length. Despite the Quilt’s size, it is only a small representation of the impact of lives lost in the AIDS pandemic in the 1980’s and 1990’s.

A lot has changed since the first case diagnosed in the USA (1981) and the UK (1982). This is thanks to effective testing, information about transmission, antiretroviral treatment, needle exchange programmes, blood product screening and treatment as pre-exposure prophylaxis with PrEP. For those in communities most challenged, there were often frequent, multiple reasons to grieve as thousands died. For more information about the shifts in infection rates, treatments and different demographics affected by HIV/AIDS, see AIDS Map.

My cousin was diagnosed with HIV in 1986, and eventually died ten years later. During the last weeks of his life, I began to understand the nature of the disease, as I sat at his bedside watching its cruel progress on his fragile body.

I now wish I had joined in this creative memorial act at the time and made an oblong of vibrant colours stitched to mark ‘Amaya Ben’s’ dance through life. I imagine how this might sit among the groovy cat and music lovers, the religious, the irreverent and uniquely personal representations that now tell an important piece of our collective cultural history.

To mourn losses old, new, and systemic, find Grief Tending workshops here, and for a space that is LGBTQIA+ focussed we also hold Grief Tending events at Queer Circle.

09 Jun Different Grief Ritual Sizes

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Different Grief Ritual Sizes

Whatever the size or format of the Grief Tending rituals and events we offer, they all follow a similar shape, and include the same arc of experience. We begin by building connection within the group, and calling on support. Then we offer exercises to help surface feelings. A central grief ritual allows emotions to be expressed, and then we are welcomed back into community. This is followed by gentle soothing. Towards the end, we do some tasks to help us integrate our experience of the session before closing.

A Big Grief Ritual

The Embracing Grief Team and Sophy Banks are holding ‘Tending the Heart’, a 4 Hour Grief Tending communal grief workshop in London with the capacity for up to 100 participants plus a large team to provide support. It has the potential to be a powerful experience, an opportunity to share a big grief ritual with many others.

Small Group Grief Workshops

The size of the group we are in effects the shape and impact of the event. In our small group workshops in London, the maximum capacity is 12 participants plus 3 Grief Tenders in the team. At this size, everyone will be able to hear something from each person. A small group allows everyone to feel connected. It is intimate. We may feel visible, which may be both exactly what we hope for, and uncomfortable for some. The facilitators will have direct contact with each group member. There is usually an option for stepping into a quieter space, or having a one to one chat with a team member if needed, to support someone’s ability to participate.

Medium Size Grief Workshop

In a medium sized group of 13-24, there is usually a bigger team supporting the participants. There may be exercises in small groups, where intimate sharing is possible. But not everyone will hear from each person. A group ritual is likely to have more energy than in a small group. There are more potential connections to make, so it may feel less intimate, but also provide more opportunities to meet different people or find those with shared experiences. The group itself may be a dynamic mix of people. The facilitators will still have direct contact with every member of the group. We have capacity for up to 20 participants plus team at our new venue in Devon.

Big Grief Ritual Events

We design the format of the session to accommodate the size of the group. We also take into consideration the surroundings. In a large event with more than 25 people, everyone will not necessarily meet or hear from each person. The group itself takes on more of a holding role. The facilitators will hold the space and steer the energy of the whole group, but not have direct contact with every person.

The big workshops and community rituals which we have held at festivals have comprised 150-200 + participants, depending on the available space. This may allow people to feel more anonymous, to try the practice with less self-revelation. Strong singing and drumming may happen in a big group, offering another layer of community holding. This kind of stimulation and noise may also be overwhelming if sensory processing is challenging for someone.

Grief Tending rituals with Sobonfu Somé, one of the main conduits of Grief Tending as a practice, would regularly hold huge groups. When a gathering of this size comes together, there is opportunity for a very potent ceremony.

People often have different needs, and understanding these different grief ritual sizes may help someone recognise what is right for them. Our frequently asked questions page includes more information about different formats of event – such as online or in person, one or two day events. You can see more about Grief Tending, and different workshops here.