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29 Jan How to Stay Sane in These Times

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Keep your hair on! How do we stay sane when everything around us seems out of order? How do we stay calm enough to remain engaged in the world, despite the events around us that are deserving of outrage? There is a paradox for me here. I want to feel ‘the sorrows of the world’ (as Francis Weller puts it). My intention is to be someone who is compassionate, able to hear about the difficult and desperate. I also want to be someone who is able to continue to work for restoration with goodwill, in the face of all that I find distressing.

We will be unable to engage with actions that promote social justice and create positive communities, if we are so overwhelmed by what we find disturbing, and fear for the future,

One way to manage this situation is to titrate the way we receive current affairs. Being compulsively absorbed in social media feeds, or information that activates us may be counter-productive. Maintaining a frequent state of arousal, we may more easily reach emotional boiling point. I limit how much news I hear, avoid listening late at night, and take my news in small doses.

By frequently returning to balance, it can help us to manage our emotional and hormonal states of high arousal. Using tools that help us to decelerate, and return to a state of rest and digest improve resilience. What helps us to feel connected to the here and now in restorative ways? For some, breathing and mindfulness are helpful. For others, physical movement – dancing or swimming work better. Using practices that help us move into calmer states of mind, and improving the flexibility of our nervous system, to move between action and rest is helpful. A digital detox can offer a much-needed break from time to time.

We don’t need to put a lid on our feelings. Having spaces where we can express ourselves, be with our rage, and find like-minded others are important. Sometimes we need to find a place where we can scream – into the earth, sound-proofed in a car, or into a cushion.

Modernity may entangle us in the injustices, and causes of harm around us. I manage the complex feelings, which may include anger, guilt and despair by doing only what I have capacity for. What are you able and willing to do? Volunteer for something you believe in or donate funds to a campaign that aligns with your values, write letters to your MP, or commit to understanding more about a particular cause? Use these meaningful strategies; balanced by activities that are nourishing, resourcing and with time for radical rest.

Grief Tending is one way to connect with others and express the feelings that might otherwise have nowhere to go, or deaden us with lethargy. If grief is not tended, it may become grievance. Martin Prechtel says:

“…when the sorrows of our losses go ungrieved, we are guaranteed another war, or violence breaks out in the streets. Choosing not to have grief when grief is there is to burden someone else with having to do your grieving. The unwillingness to grieve makes people search for someone upon which to project blame for the feeling of the loss they bear, which turns all losses into a war of revenge.”

How many of the sources of grief around us have their roots in untended wounds of the past? Grieving is not only an act of self-care, it is an act that feeds community. It benefits not just ourselves, but those who come after us. The big things affect many when there are collective sources of grief. A collective space can really help us to see that we are not alone with this huge issue. It is powerful to recognise that others are also impacted, troubled, or overwhelmed. I cannot grieve the polycrisis we face alone. I need community beside me, and through sharing with others, we also build networks of solidarity.

For Grief Tending events coming up online and in person, see here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

23 Jan Stages of Grief?

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The Origins of the 5 Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross originally defined ‘The 5 Stages of Grief’ in 1969, when she was working with the dying. These stages were never intended as a route map for grieving. Kübler-Ross was a pioneer whose work with the dying brought many valuable insights into end of life care. Her book ‘On Death and Dying’ is a classic text in care for the dying. She later revised her thinking and described overlapping and incomplete stages, the 5 Stages intended only as a loose framework, and re-defined as the ‘Kübler-Ross Change Curve.’

The Stages of Grief Model May be Unhelpful

Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance have been absorbed into popular culture and spread widely. They sometimes include additional or varying stages – shock at the beginning and meaning at the end to comprise 7 Stages of Grief. If you were to ask most people what they know about grief, “the five stages of grief” will be a common answer. What isn’t so widely known is that our understanding of grief stages have been updated both by Kübler-Ross and subsequent bereavement researchers. There are now more theories about grief and loss.

Each Grief Journey is Unique

The problem with reducing the messy, unpredictable landscape of grieving into a series of neat stages is that it offers an image of grieving that doesn’t match people’s experience, and may make them feel that they are doing grief wrong. Each grief journey is unique, and has its own trajectory and pace. Francis Weller’s description gives a much clearer picture of the raw, intense, and wild storms that grief often brings:

“Grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions. It is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture. Because of that, grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears, grief is suffused with life-force…. It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.”

Grief is Messy

While some of the feelings described in the 7 stages of grief may be in the mix, the whole territory is vast. Sorrow comes in all shades from sobbing to quiet despair. Grief may include fear – everything from anxiety to terror. It may include anger – from frustration to rage. Overwhelm may manifest as disconnection. Feeling numb may manifest as busyness, and yes, not feeling is an expression of feeling. There may be the bitter sweetness of love and gratitude.

Our relationship with who or what has been lost may be complicated. Guilt, shame, envy, remorse or relief may be present too. There are many emotions and ways to feel and a variety of ways to express grief too.

Symptoms of Grief

The experience of grief may include some or all of the well-known grief stages as well as a range of other emotions. It may also include a whole range of physical symptoms. Disruption to sleep patterns and changes in appetite are extremely common. Disturbances in thought patterns may include repetitive thoughts, flash-backs, brain fog and a chronic inability to concentrate. Memory might not be functioning well as we try to make sense of what happened. Physical aches and pains may appear to have a symbolic component; a broken heart that literally aches, an unsupported sore back, or unfamiliar tension that manifests as a pain in the neck. There may be all kinds of gut responses as well as swallowing down what we feel with food.

What Should Grief Look Like?

Grief is a wide range of natural responses to loss, absence, suffering, or change. Instead of a fixed set of grief stages, the experience is often more chaotic. Emotions, moods and symptoms may all come and go, or persist over time. The nature of what has caused the situation will also be part of the picture. Has the impact, injury or situation happened suddenly? Does it have a traumatic element? Is the experience complicated by a complex set of circumstances or a difficult relationship? Is what has happened perceived as unusual in some way? Are there other secondary losses or changes as a consequence of the first?

How Long Does Grief Last?

I often hear people measure themselves against a perceived state of acceptance (Kübler-Ross’s 5^th stage of grief). Bereavement or loss changes us. It doesn’t just come to visit and then leave when we reach a certain stage. When we lose something significant in our lives, we change to adapt to the new shape of our circumstances. Our ability to grieve well can affect how we handle bereavements or losses, and make a real difference to our mental health. Rather than a path from stage 1 to 7, I prefer the metaphor of an ocean. As grief comes in, waves crash over us, often one after another. We may be submerged by big waves and knocked off our feet. At some point, the tide turns. Waves will still crash against us, but may be less frequent, and less ferocious.

Why is Grief Hitting Me Hard?

As well as the ‘what happened’, to cause my grief, the context of it – the surroundings that it happened in – will also affect how it is experienced. A significant loss may come into a situation where mental or physical health is already poor. Other losses may have been piling up. There may be a history or trauma, violence or oppression that this particular grief appears in the midst of. If we are from a marginalised community, we are also statistically likely to experience more losses. Something may happen in an environment where there is not enough support to hold us. Our surrounding community (or lack of it), our resilience, our resources, will all play a part in how each impact of grief lands into our lives. Do we face layers of challenges, mor do we have enough support to lean into in order to turn towards what ails us?

Understanding Grief

Grief can be scary. A little psycho-education goes a long way. People are hoping for a map – like the stages of grief – to help them navigate the unknown. There are some great models that can help us understand the journey through grief.

Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing Around Grief‘ model – showing jars of increasing size, brilliantly describes how we grow and develop, to accommodate loss, becoming greater in capacity ourselves rather than shrinking grief over time.

The ‘Dual Process Model‘ (Stroebe and Schut) is another practical way to understand grieving. Rather than describing stages of grief, this model describes co-exisitng processes. Being loss-oriented sits alongside being restoration oriented. Part of us is preoccupied with our emotional experience, while at the same time life continues, which may include practicalities, responsibilities, resourcing, and encourages us to recognise times when we have permission to focus on other things if we are able. The focus between grief and life changes over time.

How Do I Learn to Grieve?

Learning to mourn is a skill. There are tools that can help us. It can be really helpful if we understand more about this natural process. Unfortunately, many people avoid the subject. The bereaved may feel contagious, as though grief is catching. Those around them often fail to know how to be with them or what to say.

I wish ‘how to be with grief’ was taught in schools. How comfortable we are with our own history of loss will communicate without words. To support others, it helps that we have attended to our own grieving. When we avoid the small things that trouble us, they build up. Emotional laundry is as important as washing our clothes.

Allowing time and space to slow down and feel is a key to tending our grief. There are many simple practices to be with grief and release – through breathing, noticing sensations, movement, singing, being in nature, creative exercises and using ritual and ceremony. Reading poetry, listening to music or watching films on the theme may also touch us and allow us to connect with feelings. Sharing with others is a great practice to discover the connection that builds through expressing vulnerability.

Is My Grief Stuck?

There are different ways grief can feel ‘stuck’. We may feel too disconnected to feel anything. We may have needed to bury our emotions because it wasn’t safe enough, or we didn’t have enough support to grieve in the past. The job of grieving may sometimes wait until our conditions are more spacious and supportive. This can lead to months or years before we have capacity to process something. Things may surface later in life. In the present, unexpected feelings may be activated. Sometimes the necessary adaptations from the past no longer serve us, and we choose to explore more deeply, to feel more fully.

The way we were socialised – by gender, or family, or circumstances may also contribute. Many of us have been encouraged not to show emotions, or cry. Sometimes our grief may have left us in a state of freeze. Something shocking or terrifying may have happened. We may not have enough support to have risked thawing. We may feel that our grief is too big to risk feeling. It can feel that if we open up big feelings, we will be submerged and never return.

For whatever reason, there may be a sense of stuckness. It may manifest as physical symptoms or dis-ease. And our grieving style or neurobiology may mean that the way we express grief is less outwardly visible. To open up stuck feelings, it is helpful to have support in place. This may be a mix of people, practises and resources. Grief Tending is one way to encourage the flow of emotions and energy to move through us.

When We are Ready to Tend Grief

Grief Tending is a practice where we learn skills that help us move towards feeling, and also how to return from grief states. In Grief Tending, we recognise all the different ways we may experience and express grief. We acknowledge a broad range of causes of grief as well as the loss of a loved one. We witness people coming together, and risking vulnerability. Some may come with grief that is flowing. For others grief may feel absent, stuck or confusing.

The exercises we offer may allow feelings to shift. We encourage tending to what arises – allowing rather than forcing. Tending to grief is about giving space for what is rather than prescribing or judging how grief should look or feel. We use exercises where we move towards feelings then return to support. Allowing the breath, body and emotions to move is a way to bring flexibility to our inner experience. This may help us to navigate our growth through grief.

Turning to Face Grief

Our bodymind system may desperately want to avoid grief. So often people don’t know how to grieve well. Many have not had wise elders to show them, or practices to learn; or enough emotional holding to dare to go there. When we are ready, and have enough support in place, Grief Tending can be a sensitive and caring way to turn towards grief, to lean into feelings. In a Grief Tending group, we come with the intention of sharing something of our grief together in a group. We will experience both expressing something of our unique experience, and also be a witness, part of the holding of others. This can give a profound insight into our shared humanity, and also how to be with another who is suffering.

Find Grief Tending events online and in London here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

19 Dec Apprenticing to Grief

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This morning I drew the Bear card from my Druid Animal Oracle Deck. It is the card which represents the marriage of primal power with intuition and ancestral origins. It is also associated with the winter solstice. Bear winters in a cave to contemplate, to resource, to go deep into earth. My personal apprenticing to grief included a prolonged period in the retreat process of chronic illness, a metaphorical cave.

My re-orientation to life after illness happened over time, and diving into the ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ programme in 2019 was an important step in confirming my purpose. Death, and dying are themes which I find compelling and had already been exploring for decades. I saw grief everywhere, yet often un-named, invisible or shunned. It was a relief to discover the practice of Grief Tending. The ancestral roots of Grief Tending are through Sobonfu Somé and the Dagara people of Burkina Faso. It offers the potential for personal and societal transformation. It meets the needs of these times for increasing resilience, by providing skills to repair, resource and re-engage.

In December, the time of the shortest days in the northern hemisphere, I find it helpful to review where I have been over the last year. This time I am using Robert Rowland Smith’s systemic questions in his New Year Self-Assessment. His questions offer provocative prompts for past, present and future. The Year Compass is another great self-reflection tool.

At the last winter solstice, I decided to say “yes” more often when presented with possibilities. “Follow the invitation”, as the advice for my Human Design type suggests. I followed. I said yes to co-designing ceremonies, and co-facilitating many Grief Tending spaces. I found myself being interviewed and interviewing others. I volunteered to teach animation at WAYout Arts in Sierra Leone, stretching into each new opportunity.

Remembering my ancestral roots, as the daughter of an English teacher, I have discovered this year that I really enjoy teaching. I am passionate about changing the way we think and speak around death and grief, using a creative approach. Since I first experienced ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ as a participant, I have been part of the team many times. In 2024, I said yes to co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme with Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres.

The programme is an intense, practical and embodied journey into holding space for grief. People come to share the experience from a wide range of life histories, practices and professions. I find the temporary community that is created a rich experiential learning environment. I really appreciate all the students who have immersed themselves and brought their many gifts to the process.

I am delighted to be co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme again. It takes place over 3 weekends plus 2 evenings online. It is also available as a 7 Day in person programme in the UK. If you have benefitted from Grief Tending and would like to find out more about how to hold it in your communities, and to explore the process more deeply, it’s a great place to experiment.

And if you are longing for a taste of the medicine of Grief Tending, I am co-facilitating one and two day Grief Tending workshops with Tony Pletts, Bilal Nasim and Aama Sade. You can find our events here.

05 Dec Lonely at Christmas

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The season of winter festivals may bring celebrations, and it may also be a time of year when loneliness and depression takes hold. If you are feeling lonely and things don’t look bright through your eyes, the pressure to have a good time can isolate further.

There are many reasons to feel unhappy at this time of year. Grief can feel particularly intense in the absence of loved ones, whether through bereavement or estrangement.

Being with family can also be a source of stress. Family dynamics can be complicated and heightened at Christmas. They may be exacerbated by different values or political views, addiction or anxiety. Tensions may be increased with financial pressures that come with expectations of present giving and consumption of seasonal food and drink.

Grief Tending is one way to approach loneliness and find connection in December and January. Creating a variety of ways to find support is also an important element of a Grief Tending practice. It’s something that we encourage people to think about before, during and after a Grief Tending workshop. Find Grief Tending events here. You can read more ways to find support in this article on Dealing With Grief.

Here are a few suggestions of things that may be supportive, but the possibilities are endless. What works for you? Make a list of simple activities that soothe your nervous system. Talk to someone (about anything). It can be a helpful way to shift our brains into a different gear. Make time to chat with that old friend. Watch something that makes you laugh. Are there crafting activities that engage you? Sing in the shower. Take a walk or get your body moving in ways you enjoy. Feel into your pleasure – what sensations will bring you delight? Cook something delicious, just for you. Spray something that smells lovely in your space. Feed the birds. Have a kitchen disco. Schedule an appointment with someone who offers professional support ahead of time.

It can also counter our feelings of aloneness to volunteer or offer our services to someone who needs them. Crisis are sometimes overwhelmed with supporters at this time of year, but there may be a friend or neighbour who could use your attention.

It can also be helpful to prepare so that we have strategies in place to support our mental health and self-care for times we know will be difficult. Plan for small ways to make connections at times we anticipate feeling lonely. Mind is a great source of information for mental health including tips for coping with Christmas. The Samaritans offer a fantastic listening service, for those who need support, and not just at times of extreme difficulty.

05 Dec Welcome at Wayout

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One of the things I have learned through the legacy of Sobonfu Somé’s teachings, is the importance of a warm welcome. Being welcomed in may have been rare in someone’s life, and the simple experience of being unconditionally welcomed can be powerful for those who come to tend grief with us.

WAYout Arts Worldwide, is a small charity dedicated to providing creative skills and opportunities to disadvantaged young people in Sierra Leone.Tony and I have been volunteering at WAYout in Sierra Leone and online throughout the year. You can donate to this brilliant, small but important charity via their Just Giving page here.

When we arrived to begin our work teaching creative skills at the project, we were greeted by a throng of young people singing and dancing. There was even a full drum-kit providing the beat. This was my first proper African welcome, WAYout style. It was the first of three extraordinary, intense (and overwhelming) welcomes we would experience on our trip, followed by two more when we visited their other outposts – WAYout Women’s Media projects.

As a tourist in Sierra Leone, I experienced the inconveniences of intermittent power, dry taps, pollution and limited food choices. I became increasingly aware of the wealth and resources I have access to. My time there has taught me much about the resilience of people who face the daily hardships of homelessness, hunger, unavailability of water on-tap, unemployment, heat and social exclusion.

For many of the people I met, being exiled from families, school, homes and work brings shame. The absence of basic needs being met, as well as trauma histories, often leaves young people with complex issues. However, the students are hungry to learn. Despite being caught in desperate circumstances, they are motivated to seek new opportunities.

Our Grief Tending approach blends African indigenous practices with contemporary understandings of trauma and neuroscience. It is informed by the work of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé of the Dagara Tribe in Burkina Faso.

We believe in giving something back. With gratitude for the African teachings that Tony, Bilal, Aamasade and I have benefitted from, we offer a percentage of the income from our Grief Tending events to support WAYout, as well as giving our time to encourage their creative education projects and dynamic students.

We’d love to invite you to give back too, especially if you have benefitted from our work. You can donate to the project through their Just Giving page here.

31 Oct How to Remember the Dead

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In the northern hemisphere we put our clocks back one hour and turn towards the darkening of winter. The old festival of Samhain – a time to remember the dead, is now marked with acrylic spiders and festoons of tape marked, “Caution, zombies”. I can’t help thinking of ‘Shaun of the Dead’, which for me is a brilliant metaphor for the disconnection or zombification often necessary to tolerate the drudgery of meaningless work in dysfunctional modernity.

Scratch below the surface of the ghoulish costume of Halloween to find the old way of remembering how to honour the dead. Our deep-time nomadic ancestors would have known of the good pasture created where someone was buried along the path. This connection between composting in the dark months to bring new growth in the spring is often misplaced by the temptation to be only with the light.

It can be a helpful way to tend our personal losses by deliberately making a small gesture or ritual to honour those who came before us, in the growing darkness of the season. Pour a drink and put it by a photograph, or set a place at the table for a special meal to acknowledge someone who is no longer with us in person. Decorating a special place or altar can be another way to honour ancestors, perhaps offering oats, incense or flowers. This may include photos of pets, family and friends who have died as well as personal symbols or icons.

And in these times of war, oppression and unrest around the globe, it may feel helpful to light a candle or pour water for all those who have died. It can easily feel overwhelming to hear news from places where violence is ongoing. A small ritual act – like lighting a candle, reading a poem, offering a prayer may help us to face ‘the Sorrows of the World’ if only for a short time.

And if moving towards the festive season brings ominous dates, anniversaries, anxiety or too much time alone, we offer Grief Tending workshops to soothe our souls in community and find connection.

30 Oct LGBTQ Families – Rainbow Mums’ Stories

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Introducing Rainbow Mums

‘Rainbow Mums’ is a podcast series about LGBTQ+ families, through interviews with gay and bisexual parents. The stories of LGBTQ+ families cover the rich lived experiences of five Mums plus one episode, ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’ where I reflect on queer parenting with Nicholas McInerny, the host of ‘Rainbow Dads’.

Queer Parenting

For me, ‘to queer’ is a creative process where the edge-dwellers are essential, bringing vibrant, playful, unorthodox ways of doing things, looking at things from different perspectives with diverse voices. So, the ‘queering’ of parenting brings many different possibilities. There are many ways of becoming and living as an LGBTQ+ family. Queer Circle offers resources and events in London to explore creative health, including Queer Grief Tending.

Growing Up Gay

Some people come into life gay from the ground up. They may be perceived by themselves and others as different. They may be aware of same sex attraction. Puberty may bring sexuality to the front of their awareness. It may also register in the minds of family and friends and be met with judgement and stigmatisation.

In ‘Maggie’s Story’, the responses to teenage Maggie of those are around are challenging. Maggie speaks about the coming out scene from ‘All of Us Strangers’. In ‘Anjum’s Story’, there is a kinder response from family. Anjum’s journey includes being a lesbian and Muslim. The Naz and Matt Foundation offer support for gay Muslims. The homophobia and racism Anjum experienced outside the family offer reasons to advocate for justice. Galop, the LGBT+ anti-violence charity offers support for survivors of abuse and violence in the UK. If you need support with any aspect of sexuality and gender identity, Switchboard offers a listening ear.

Coming Out

As someone who came out later in life myself, which I talk about in ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’, I have the luxury of stepping into a queer identity. I am conscious that I am able to do this precisely because of those who stood up against Clause 28, who challenged systemic oppression and struggled for equity and acceptance, civil partnership, and gay marriage. For a review of what came before, check out MJ Barker’s ‘Queer A Graphic History’. To see how LGBTQ+ people supported the miners’ and the political alliances which this inspired, watch ‘Striking With Pride’.

For many, the ‘coming out’ rites of passage – to ourselves, to another, to family, to the outside world, can be huge turning points. I resonate with the awkward teenagers or middle-aged late teenagers, sometimes ambivalent and trying to come to terms with a new identity. There are many resources including zines for people questioning their identity by MJ Barker. Pink Therapy has a directory for those looking for an LGBTQ+ therapist to explore sexuality.

I look back at my own young hapless self, dressing sometimes butch, sometimes femme, seeking the elusive fantasy of same sex pleasure, but not knowing how to go about it. In ‘Emma’s Story’, her young goth self was bolder than me. Emma now hosts her own podcast series ‘Coming Out Stories’.

Sexual Identities

It took me many years to unpick the paradox of the bisexual experience. Bisexuality is often a landscape between a rock and a hard place of neither all heterosexual nor totally gay; often unwelcomed by those at both ends of the Kinsey Scale. The Bisexuality Report offers research on bisexual inclusion.

Misperceptions are often rife, and instead of fully expressing ourselves, we may find ourselves making tough choices to exclude parts of our core make-up. In ‘Sandy’s Story’, we follow her journey to make sense of the complexity of being pansexual and open to all kinds of attraction, while navigating the responsibilities of parenthood.

Once we have a sense of who we are in the world, comes the challenge of finding the other(s) we want to explore sex and relationships with. Our Rainbow Mums are diverse in age, and my sense is that Amy – the youngest, has grown up in a generation which is more open to sex and relationship diversity, than the Rainbow Mum’s who were finding their way in the 80’s and 90’s.

However, as Amy finds out, it is still a challenge when faced with the complex choices that love throws in your path. In ‘Amy’s Story’, the route to polyamory is a twisting tale that takes us across the globe in pursuit of a relationship dynamic that works. Polyamory comes in many forms, is definitely not for everyone, but can offer a way forward for those who wish to experiment with ethical non-monogamy. Amy talks about the classic primer, ‘The Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy. I also recommend ‘Poly Secure’ by Jessica Fern.

Becoming LGBTQ+ Parents

Finding their way through the emotional mine-fields of desire, pleasure and relationships, we follow the Rainbow Mums in and out of partnerships – some of which don’t work out, and others which blossom into lesbian marriages. Either way, parenting continues to be a significant central axis for all of them.

Some gay and bisexual parents begin in heteronormative relationships, where children are conceived and cared for. Most of the Rainbow Dads were parents, and subsequently came out. Sometimes we suspected we were LGBTQ+, and sometimes that has been out of awareness even from ourselves. As we age, our priorities or sexual gearing can change too. For me, the need to be more myself increased with age, after I had spent significant time in a parenting role. It’s not uncommon for the changes of peri-menopause and menopause to also amplify hormonal shifts. Tania Glyde writes about navigating change in queer menopause.

Some bisexual parents may choose to parent together in an opposite sex relationship, as well as pursuing same sex relationships before, concurrently or after. In both ‘Sandy’s Story’, and ‘Amy’s Story’ they parent in relationships with a biological father, alongside other relationships.

For many same sex couples there are choices to be made. For AFAB’s and lesbians there may be a choice of who becomes a biological parent. There may be decisions about routes – such as donor insemination, surrogacy or adoption. These questions may involve choosing a biological father too – a known or unknown donor. There are ethical and personal reasons which a prospective gay couple will have to negotiate. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear some of the considerations for her family.

Then there are roles and names. Who gets to be called ‘Mum’? Are there one or two or more? Not all our Rainbow Mums, including me, are biological parents, but I hear how involved each of them are with the practical and emotional responsibilities of care-giving.

Children in LGBTQ+ Families

In every episode we hear about the unexpected joys of parenthood. It is a vital, often wonderful as well as a tough job, and is generally under-valued by society. In many ways it’s the same whoever you are. Whatever the route to becoming parents, we are delivered with a child that requires attunement, presence, practical support and encouragement. Emma mentions ‘Proud Parents’ who offer support to LGBTQ+ families.

All of the Rainbow Mums I speak to are passionate about and full of love for their children. We may have made choices about how to become parents, but the children that arrive are all unique and come with their own needs and strengths. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear about the unexpected life that has unfolded from having a child with Downs Syndrome. Children come with different abilities. For me, the neuro-spicy quality of my family has helped us to adapt to being different from the heteronormative frame, to allow space for each of us to change, grow and flourish.

The values which underpin my relationships and LGBTQ+ family are love, honesty, and a willingness to communicate. I hope that working with these intentions help us to navigate the tricky stuff – the ups and downs when we really need to see the best in eachother and find kind yet honest words.

LGBTQ+ Families

I grew up in a family where things weren’t spoken about without my curious questioning. There were several skeletons in the closet. My father was gay but didn’t begin to come out until he was 60. My own experience was, that on some level I knew, and the lack of direct conversation around the subject was confusing. The multiple masks that family members wore probably contributed to my inner confusion. I had a sense of dissonance, but struggled to work out what was going on beneath the surface.

As a consequence, I prefer to be open, to communicate clearly and in an age appropriate way with young people when necessary. I aim to parent in a way that allows both parent and child to express who they are. And of course, I have made many mistakes, and continue to learn from the younger ones. F F Flag support parents with LGBTQ+ children.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Modern families often include a complex blend of step and half siblings. LGBTQ+ families often create a network of chosen family to provide supportive community around their immediate loved ones. This can be a brilliant resource, with an inter-generational flavour, as ‘Maggie’s Story’ describes, and I value so much in my inter-generational LGBTQ+ family. Family Equality work to advance equality for LGBTQ+ families in the USA.

Solidarity with LGBTQ+ People Around the World

I want to celebrate those who, often in spite of adversity, are able to be themselves and choose the relationships they want. All of these Rainbow Mums risk what comes with visibility, and have chosen to tell their stories, partly because there are many in the world who do not have those choices. Marginalisation and social injustices still happen. There are parts of the world, or cultures where LGBTQ+ families are not welcome, and being gay, lesbian or bisexual may be illegal.

I have the gift of being safe enough, but many are not able to express themselves freely. We offer Rainbow Mums and Dads in solidarity with those who are not able to be out and proud. Some of the organisations that support the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer + people around the world include the Kaleidoscope Trust the Peter Tatchell Foundation and Micro Rainbow.

Listen to ‘Rainbow Mums’ here.

24 Oct Rainbow Mums

Posted at 10:36h in Conversations by admin 0 Comments

‘Rainbow Mums – Stories of Gay and Bisexual Parents’ is a podcast. In the series I interview some amazing LGBTQ+ people, who have found ways to be themselves in the world; and who have become parents along the way. How does life work in a LGBTQ+ family?

Each person brings their unique history into the recording studio, along with their different journeys into parenthood. Each Rainbow Mum gave me reasons to celebrate, with a series of vivid impressions, of the chosen families that surround each of them, and the different routes they took to become parents.

Different themes emerge in each conversation, but include navigating homophobia, shame, coming out as a lesbian, the complexity of life as a bisexual or polyamorous person. We also explore some of the joys of LGBTQ+ families such as the advantages of chosen family, acceptance, lesbian marriage, and being proud of our diversity. As well as sexual identity, there are also many different routes into parenthood, and we hear from Rainbow Mums who may or may not also be biological parents.

After the award-winning success of Rainbow Dads, being invited by Executive Producers Richard Shannon and Nicholas McInerny, to host Rainbow Mums, was an honour. The brave folk who came to share their stories were all fascinating; I just had to be curious. This feels particularly powerful in world whether because of fear, shame, political or religious pressures, people are unable to express themselves openly.

Through becoming visible as queer parents, we represent some possibilities of the choices and serendipities, as well as the challenges and triumphs in our lives. Thanks so much to all those LGBTQ families who have helped to make Rainbow Mums, and to those who choose to hear our voices.

Listen to Rainbow Mums here.

Rainbow Mums graphic by Ben Poultney.

28 Sep On Working With Grief: A Conversation

Posted at 08:16h in Conversations, Sarah's Journal by admin 0 Comments

In this video, Max Mora, a bodyworker from Integrated Somatics talks with me – Sarah Pletts, a Grief Tender, about working with grief through the body. Our conversation explores similarities in our understanding of the impact of grief, and our approaches to working with the body.

We tease out the supportive synergy that may happen for someone who has access to both a Grief Tending group process, and more focussed time with a one-to-one bodyworker. Max describes how we both aim to encourage people “at the pace of their nervous system”, when we are working with grief.

As we speak about learning to sit, at ease with emotional discomfort (ours or another’s), Ginger Girl – the cat, makes a guest appearance. She demonstrates the appeal of sitting with two regulated nervous systems. Pets know instinctively how to sit alongside us, to find pleasure when we are calm, and to offer supportive presence when we hurt.

Working with grief in a group, we may discover that “it’s not just me…there’s a magic that happens when we come together.” Max talks of “kind touch”, and how to “meet each other kindly,” as we come into contact with someone who is grieving, and how different that is from the urge to rescue.

We share a similar perspective on creating permission for people to open up and allow whatever is present, without any expectations. Our intention, whether working with grief through Grief Tending or therapeutic touch, is to give space to the whole spectrum of feelings. Working with grief, as Max says, can allow us to “be more fully alive, and able to access joy, to access pleasure and deep belly laughs.” Max goes on to remind us of a very common aversion to the challenge of experiencing grief.

“I want the full technicolour experience of the lovely things, and I’ll have a small version of grieving, because it’s unpleasant.” But we both know, life doesn’t work that way.

You can listen to our conversation here. And find Grief Tending workshops here.

15 Sep ‘Tending Grief’

Posted at 10:03h in Book Reviews by admin 0 Comments

Camille Sapara Barton’s ‘Tending Grief’ presents a passionate argument for why Grief Tending spaces are needed in these changing times. It includes a section of embodied exercises to tend grief.

Camille Sapara Barton began to identify the need for tending grief as a young activist and in social justice movements.
“Tending grief can support flexible thinking, conflict resolution, trust building and somatic transformation within groups…”

Camille Sapara Barton describes the route from the collective wounds of colonisation and its legacies to the complexities of systemic trauma that are playing out in global issues today. In order to move from a culture of consumption and exploitation to a culture of care, we need to find our way back.

Tending our grief can help us to make that journey. The route from disconnection with nature, splits between mind and body, action and emotion begin here.
“We need to feel. To slow down and sense what is happening. To grieve and understand what has been lost so that we can begin to assess how to move in a different direction, not simply repeat the behaviors that have led us to this place.”

Building on the approach of the Dagara people – through Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé – who “see regular grief tending as necessary for the health of the community,” Camille Sapara Barton makes the link between untended personal grief, and how that can ripple out to impact our communities.

This book is emotionally intelligent and presents a clear map forward. Camille Sapara Barton weaves their own story and understanding with insights gathered from other writers and teachers. The second half of the book offers a series of practical exercises to explore at home or with a peer group.

I’m really grateful for this book, which is already finding its way to diverse communities of young people facing uncertainty and anxiety in the face of a changing climate, war, systems of harm, and so many other challenges. ‘Tending Grief’ offers both the framework of why we need it, and practical exercises to begin the work of Grief Tending.

If you are ready to tend your grief in a group, you can find more information and events both online and in London here. We also offer Queer Grief Tending at Queer Circle.

The textile in the photograph is an Aboriginal design from Better World Arts.