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18 Apr The Year of Magical Thinking

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Joan Didion is an articulate writer, with enough resources to assume that she can control her life. In ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’, she is knocked by the reality of grief and the bewilderment it causes, as she finds her way through new circumstances.

‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ is worth reading. She describes books on grief as “a body of sub-literature, how-to guides for dealing with the condition, some “practical” some “inspirational”, most of either useless.” This book is not self-help, but realistic, and written with enough vulnerability to be inspiring. She uses her writer’s craft to turn a mirror on her experience of sudden loss.
“You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.”

Didion examines the skips and foibles of her cognitive process (a normal part of the experience of grieving). She is a keen observer describing the liminal place of the recently bereaved.
“I myself felt invisible for a period of time, incorporeal.”

We see ourselves entitled to a fair portion of trouble, but grief does not land in people’s lives equally. In ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’, Didion writes through a double portion.

I read books on grief, not just because I have a professional interest in them, but because I too have a magical thought process that predicts that if I learn enough about dying, each new loss will be easier.

“I realise how open we are to the persistent message that we can avert death,” Didion says. My own curiosity is itself part talisman to ward off mortality.

See Grief Tending workshops for grief of all kinds online and in London here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

02 Apr Earth Grief

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Reading ‘Earth Grief’ by Stephen Harrod Buhner was for me an experience of being in the feelings evoked by the territory of ecological loss. It begins with a dive into being earth. He uses the language of connection, rather than evoking the separation so common of science.

As the pages turned, I was engaged, disturbed, then relieved, concluding with a deep sense of peace. Stephen Harrod Buhner’s invitation is to step into the painful reality of receiving a collective terminal diagnosis. He describes:

“…the grief, pain, depression, and hopelessness we feel are not the problem (despite the soul-shattering impact of those feelings). They are symptoms of the problem. And it is the problem itself that we must face if we wish to address the crisis of our times…a crisis that exists out there in the wildness of the world as well [as] in here in the secret chambers of our own hearts.”

Like Vanessa Andreotti’s ‘Hospicing Modernity’, really opening to hearing the words in ‘Earth Grief’ takes courage. Yet the wisdom and truth-telling I found here also felt settling. I chose not to read the middle section at night. Instead, I titrated my way through felt but not often absorbed information. It is distressing and affecting to read of the irreversible impacts of micro-plastics, of pharmaceuticals, of extractive and exploitative industries. My strategy was to read the book in manageable doses with lots of resourcing.

Through the analogy of the personal loss of a beloved, Stephen Harrod Buhner guides us through a similar process with grief for the earth. He describes the dismantling of our inner world in the face of loss, and the slow process of transformation.

In ‘Earth Grief’, Buhner challenges the layers of denial that I cling to in the face of what is happening in ourselves, in our climate and in our planet. As with the work of ‘Deep Adaptation’, there is potential for joy, wisdom, purpose on the other side of feeling earth grief.

Humans are returned by Stephen Harrod Buhner to their rightful place as reciprocal beings with plants – whose extraordinary journeys over millennia breathe life into our world as we flounder. This is a reminder of interbeing in a more-than-human world, that humans too are of the earth, not above nature. For me this is a reminder of David Abram‘s writing.

If Earth Grief is the diagnosis, a shift in perspective to find collaborative connections with other plants and beings is necessary. Grief practices that tend without fixing are the medicine. When we allow grief to take our world apart, to grow and re-configure us, we become able to hold others, and find what is uniquely ours to do.

Grief Tending spaces welcome grief on all themes, including earth grief. We offer events online and in London and Devon.

29 Jan Embracing Grief: The Power of Witnessed Grieving

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Watch ‘Embracing Grief: The Power of Witnessed Grieving’ on the Dandelion podcast.

Stephen Reid interviews Bilal Nasim, Sarah and Tony Pletts about their Grief Tending events. Here’s what he says about our conversation:

“Drawing on the work of people including Malidoma Somé, Francis Weller and Joanna Macy, Embracing Grief offers group ceremonies and workshops that create brave spaces for people to explore personal, collective and ancestral grief. The facilitators emphasize that grief work isn’t about “fixing” anything, but rather about creating welcoming containers where all emotions – from numbness to anger to joy – can be safely expressed and witnessed.

One of the most surprising aspects of grief work, according to the facilitators, is just how much joy, connection and even playfulness can emerge when grief is given space to move. They offer various formats from 4-hour online circles to full weekend in-person workshops, making this vital work accessible to different needs and comfort levels. The team is gradually expanding their capacity by bringing on new facilitators, helping to meet the growing need for collective grief practices in these times.”

Look out for the moment when Bilal mysteriously changes his environment…

You can see more details and book Embracing Grief events on Dandelion.

29 Jan Is This Grief Counselling?

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Grief counselling or bereavement counselling usually happens one to one with a counsellor or therapist who specialises in grief. Grief Tending usually happens in a group with a focus on grief. A Grief Tender facilitates a group using exercises, practices and rituals to connect with feelings.

Grief Tending rituals may include symbolic use of elements – such as pouring water. The participants in the group move between roles; to be griever and then witness or supporter. A group comes together with the intention of sharing grief. This act of communal exploration can provide validation of our experience, and help us to empathise with others. Instead of solely being immersed in our own perspective, we see that others also suffer. People may experience connection with the group that grief counselling alone cannot provide. Grief Tending may profoundly alter someone’s sense of isolation.

Individual grief therapy or counselling can be exactly what we need if we are in an acute grieving process, and unable to switch our attention to other people for the duration of a workshop. Grief or bereavement counselling may also offer the support we need before and after a Grief Tending event. One-to-one sessions and group work are excellent complementary ways of working.

There is more time and attention available one-on-one for people to be heard at length, and to go deeply into their experience over time. It can be important that a therapist has specific knowledge and experience around working with loss. Most therapists and counsellors will be happy to answer questions or be available to discuss this at an introductory meeting. Often our gut response or intuition are the best guides for us to identify the therapeutic approach or practitioner that will suit us.

Many grief counsellors use “talking therapy”. This can be a really helpful approach. It may also be beneficial to find practitioners that work ‘somatically’, including the body. One-to-one bodywork can also be really supportive in the wake of loss. To hear more about the differences between Grief Tending and bodywork, watch ‘On Working With Grief’ with Sarah Pletts and Max Mora.

In Grief Tending we bring together different ways to work with grief, and pay attention to the physical – noticing symptoms and sensations, using movement and non-verbal expression, as well as words. As part of Grief Tending, we encourage people to try the tools we offer as part of an enquiry to find out what works best for them.

Working one-to-one with a grief counsellor, joining a Grief Tending event or working with both are all valid. We may need different things at different times when we are on a journey with grief. Grief Tending isn’t grief counselling, but it may partner grief counselling, or be an alternative to it. Sometimes people come to a single Grief Tending workshop, or choose to come regularly. Others come from time to time, when they need the support of a group.

You can find Grief Tending events coming up online and in London here.

29 Jan How to Stay Sane in These Times

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Keep your hair on! How do we stay sane when everything around us seems out of order? How do we stay calm enough to remain engaged in the world, despite the events around us that are deserving of outrage? There is a paradox for me here. I want to feel ‘the sorrows of the world’ (as Francis Weller puts it). My intention is to be someone who is compassionate, able to hear about the difficult and desperate. I also want to be someone who is able to continue to work for restoration with goodwill, in the face of all that I find distressing.

We will be unable to engage with actions that promote social justice and create positive communities, if we are so overwhelmed by what we find disturbing, and fear for the future,

One way to manage this situation is to titrate the way we receive current affairs. Being compulsively absorbed in social media feeds, or information that activates us may be counter-productive. Maintaining a frequent state of arousal, we may more easily reach emotional boiling point. I limit how much news I hear, avoid listening late at night, and take my news in small doses.

By frequently returning to balance, it can help us to manage our emotional and hormonal states of high arousal. Using tools that help us to decelerate, and return to a state of rest and digest improve resilience. What helps us to feel connected to the here and now in restorative ways? For some, breathing and mindfulness are helpful. For others, physical movement – dancing or swimming work better. Using practices that help us move into calmer states of mind, and improving the flexibility of our nervous system, to move between action and rest is helpful. A digital detox can offer a much-needed break from time to time.

We don’t need to put a lid on our feelings. Having spaces where we can express ourselves, be with our rage, and find like-minded others are important. Sometimes we need to find a place where we can scream – into the earth, sound-proofed in a car, or into a cushion.

Modernity may entangle us in the injustices, and causes of harm around us. I manage the complex feelings, which may include anger, guilt and despair by doing only what I have capacity for. What are you able and willing to do? Volunteer for something you believe in or donate funds to a campaign that aligns with your values, write letters to your MP, or commit to understanding more about a particular cause? Use these meaningful strategies; balanced by activities that are nourishing, resourcing and with time for radical rest.

Grief Tending is one way to connect with others and express the feelings that might otherwise have nowhere to go, or deaden us with lethargy. If grief is not tended, it may become grievance. Martin Prechtel says:

“…when the sorrows of our losses go ungrieved, we are guaranteed another war, or violence breaks out in the streets. Choosing not to have grief when grief is there is to burden someone else with having to do your grieving. The unwillingness to grieve makes people search for someone upon which to project blame for the feeling of the loss they bear, which turns all losses into a war of revenge.”

How many of the sources of grief around us have their roots in untended wounds of the past? Grieving is not only an act of self-care, it is an act that feeds community. It benefits not just ourselves, but those who come after us. The big things affect many when there are collective sources of grief. A collective space can really help us to see that we are not alone with this huge issue. It is powerful to recognise that others are also impacted, troubled, or overwhelmed. I cannot grieve the polycrisis we face alone. I need community beside me, and through sharing with others, we also build networks of solidarity.

For Grief Tending events coming up online and in person, see here.

23 Jan Stages of Grief?

Posted at 20:21h in Articles by admin 0 Comments

The Origins of the 5 Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross originally defined ‘The 5 Stages of Grief’ in 1969, when she was working with the dying. These stages were never intended as a route map for grieving. Kübler-Ross was a pioneer whose work with the dying brought many valuable insights into end of life care. Her book ‘On Death and Dying’ is a classic text in care for the dying. She later revised her thinking and described overlapping and incomplete stages, the 5 Stages intended only as a loose framework, and re-defined as the ‘Kübler-Ross Change Curve.’

The Stages of Grief Model May be Unhelpful

Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance have been absorbed into popular culture and spread widely. They sometimes include additional or varying stages – shock at the beginning and meaning at the end to comprise 7 Stages of Grief. If you were to ask most people what they know about grief, “the five stages of grief” will be a common answer. What isn’t so widely known is that our understanding of grief stages have been updated both by Kübler-Ross and subsequent bereavement researchers. There are now more theories about grief and loss.

Each Grief Journey is Unique

The problem with reducing the messy, unpredictable landscape of grieving into a series of neat stages is that it offers an image of grieving that doesn’t match people’s experience, and may make them feel that they are doing grief wrong. Each grief journey is unique, and has its own trajectory and pace. Francis Weller’s description gives a much clearer picture of the raw, intense, and wild storms that grief often brings:

“Grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions. It is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture. Because of that, grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears, grief is suffused with life-force…. It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.”

Grief is Messy

While some of the feelings described in the 7 stages of grief may be in the mix, the whole territory is vast. Sorrow comes in all shades from sobbing to quiet despair. Grief may include fear – everything from anxiety to terror. It may include anger – from frustration to rage. Overwhelm may manifest as disconnection. Feeling numb may manifest as busyness, and yes, not feeling is an expression of feeling. There may be the bitter sweetness of love and gratitude.

Our relationship with who or what has been lost may be complicated. Guilt, shame, envy, remorse or relief may be present too. There are many emotions and ways to feel and a variety of ways to express grief too.

Symptoms of Grief

The experience of grief may include some or all of the well-known grief stages as well as a range of other emotions. It may also include a whole range of physical symptoms. Disruption to sleep patterns and changes in appetite are extremely common. Disturbances in thought patterns may include repetitive thoughts, flash-backs, brain fog and a chronic inability to concentrate. Memory might not be functioning well as we try to make sense of what happened. Physical aches and pains may appear to have a symbolic component; a broken heart that literally aches, an unsupported sore back, or unfamiliar tension that manifests as a pain in the neck. There may be all kinds of gut responses as well as swallowing down what we feel with food.

What Should Grief Look Like?

Grief is a wide range of natural responses to loss, absence, suffering, or change. Instead of a fixed set of grief stages, the experience is often more chaotic. Emotions, moods and symptoms may all come and go, or persist over time. The nature of what has caused the situation will also be part of the picture. Has the impact, injury or situation happened suddenly? Does it have a traumatic element? Is the experience complicated by a complex set of circumstances or a difficult relationship? Is what has happened perceived as unusual in some way? Are there other secondary losses or changes as a consequence of the first?

How Long Does Grief Last?

I often hear people measure themselves against a perceived state of acceptance (Kübler-Ross’s 5^th stage of grief). Bereavement or loss changes us. It doesn’t just come to visit and then leave when we reach a certain stage. When we lose something significant in our lives, we change to adapt to the new shape of our circumstances. Our ability to grieve well can affect how we handle bereavements or losses, and make a real difference to our mental health. Rather than a path from stage 1 to 7, I prefer the metaphor of an ocean. As grief comes in, waves crash over us, often one after another. We may be submerged by big waves and knocked off our feet. At some point, the tide turns. Waves will still crash against us, but may be less frequent, and less ferocious.

Why is Grief Hitting Me Hard?

As well as the ‘what happened’, to cause my grief, the context of it – the surroundings that it happened in – will also affect how it is experienced. A significant loss may come into a situation where mental or physical health is already poor. Other losses may have been piling up. There may be a history or trauma, violence or oppression that this particular grief appears in the midst of. If we are from a marginalised community, we are also statistically likely to experience more losses. Something may happen in an environment where there is not enough support to hold us. Our surrounding community (or lack of it), our resilience, our resources, will all play a part in how each impact of grief lands into our lives. Do we face layers of challenges, mor do we have enough support to lean into in order to turn towards what ails us?

Understanding Grief

Grief can be scary. A little psycho-education goes a long way. People are hoping for a map – like the stages of grief – to help them navigate the unknown. There are some great models that can help us understand the journey through grief.

Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing Around Grief‘ model – showing jars of increasing size, brilliantly describes how we grow and develop, to accommodate loss, becoming greater in capacity ourselves rather than shrinking grief over time.

The ‘Dual Process Model‘ (Stroebe and Schut) is another practical way to understand grieving. Rather than describing stages of grief, this model describes co-exisitng processes. Being loss-oriented sits alongside being restoration oriented. Part of us is preoccupied with our emotional experience, while at the same time life continues, which may include practicalities, responsibilities, resourcing, and encourages us to recognise times when we have permission to focus on other things if we are able. The focus between grief and life changes over time.

How Do I Learn to Grieve?

Learning to mourn is a skill. There are tools that can help us. It can be really helpful if we understand more about this natural process. Unfortunately, many people avoid the subject. The bereaved may feel contagious, as though grief is catching. Those around them often fail to know how to be with them or what to say.

I wish ‘how to be with grief’ was taught in schools. How comfortable we are with our own history of loss will communicate without words. To support others, it helps that we have attended to our own grieving. When we avoid the small things that trouble us, they build up. Emotional laundry is as important as washing our clothes.

Allowing time and space to slow down and feel is a key to tending our grief. There are many simple practices to be with grief and release – through breathing, noticing sensations, movement, singing, being in nature, creative exercises and using ritual and ceremony. Reading poetry, listening to music or watching films on the theme may also touch us and allow us to connect with feelings. Sharing with others is a great practice to discover the connection that builds through expressing vulnerability.

Is My Grief Stuck?

There are different ways grief can feel ‘stuck’. We may feel too disconnected to feel anything. We may have needed to bury our emotions because it wasn’t safe enough, or we didn’t have enough support to grieve in the past. The job of grieving may sometimes wait until our conditions are more spacious and supportive. This can lead to months or years before we have capacity to process something. Things may surface later in life. In the present, unexpected feelings may be activated. Sometimes the necessary adaptations from the past no longer serve us, and we choose to explore more deeply, to feel more fully.

The way we were socialised – by gender, or family, or circumstances may also contribute. Many of us have been encouraged not to show emotions, or cry. Sometimes our grief may have left us in a state of freeze. Something shocking or terrifying may have happened. We may not have enough support to have risked thawing. We may feel that our grief is too big to risk feeling. It can feel that if we open up big feelings, we will be submerged and never return.

For whatever reason, there may be a sense of stuckness. It may manifest as physical symptoms or dis-ease. And our grieving style or neurobiology may mean that the way we express grief is less outwardly visible. To open up stuck feelings, it is helpful to have support in place. This may be a mix of people, practises and resources. Grief Tending is one way to encourage the flow of emotions and energy to move through us.

When We are Ready to Tend Grief

Grief Tending is a practice where we learn skills that help us move towards feeling, and also how to return from grief states. In Grief Tending, we recognise all the different ways we may experience and express grief. We acknowledge a broad range of causes of grief as well as the loss of a loved one. We witness people coming together, and risking vulnerability. Some may come with grief that is flowing. For others grief may feel absent, stuck or confusing.

The exercises we offer may allow feelings to shift. We encourage tending to what arises – allowing rather than forcing. Tending to grief is about giving space for what is rather than prescribing or judging how grief should look or feel. We use exercises where we move towards feelings then return to support. Allowing the breath, body and emotions to move is a way to bring flexibility to our inner experience. This may help us to navigate our growth through grief.

Turning to Face Grief

Our bodymind system may desperately want to avoid grief. So often people don’t know how to grieve well. Many have not had wise elders to show them, or practices to learn; or enough emotional holding to dare to go there. When we are ready, and have enough support in place, Grief Tending can be a sensitive and caring way to turn towards grief, to lean into feelings. In a Grief Tending group, we come with the intention of sharing something of our grief together in a group. We will experience both expressing something of our unique experience, and also be a witness, part of the holding of others. This can give a profound insight into our shared humanity, and also how to be with another who is suffering.

Find Grief Tending events online and in London here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

19 Dec Apprenticing to Grief

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This morning I drew the Bear card from my Druid Animal Oracle Deck. It is the card which represents the marriage of primal power with intuition and ancestral origins. It is also associated with the winter solstice. Bear winters in a cave to contemplate, to resource, to go deep into earth. My personal apprenticing to grief included a prolonged period in the retreat process of chronic illness, a metaphorical cave.

My re-orientation to life after illness happened over time, and diving into the ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ programme in 2019 was an important step in confirming my purpose. Death, and dying are themes which I find compelling and had already been exploring for decades. I saw grief everywhere, yet often un-named, invisible or shunned. It was a relief to discover the practice of Grief Tending. The ancestral roots of Grief Tending are through Sobonfu Somé and the Dagara people of Burkina Faso. It offers the potential for personal and societal transformation. It meets the needs of these times for increasing resilience, by providing skills to repair, resource and re-engage.

In December, the time of the shortest days in the northern hemisphere, I find it helpful to review where I have been over the last year. This time I am using Robert Rowland Smith’s systemic questions in his New Year Self-Assessment. His questions offer provocative prompts for past, present and future. The Year Compass is another great self-reflection tool.

At the last winter solstice, I decided to say “yes” more often when presented with possibilities. “Follow the invitation”, as the advice for my Human Design type suggests. I followed. I said yes to co-designing ceremonies, and co-facilitating many Grief Tending spaces. I found myself being interviewed and interviewing others. I volunteered to teach animation at WAYout Arts in Sierra Leone, stretching into each new opportunity.

Remembering my ancestral roots, as the daughter of an English teacher, I have discovered this year that I really enjoy teaching. I am passionate about changing the way we think and speak around death and grief, using a creative approach. Since I first experienced ‘Apprenticing to Grief’ as a participant, I have been part of the team many times. In 2024, I said yes to co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme with Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres.

The programme is an intense, practical and embodied journey into holding space for grief. People come to share the experience from a wide range of life histories, practices and professions. I find the temporary community that is created a rich experiential learning environment. I really appreciate all the students who have immersed themselves and brought their many gifts to the process.

I am delighted to be co-facilitating the Apprenticing to Grief programme again. It takes place over 3 weekends plus 2 evenings online. It is also available as a 7 Day in person programme in the UK. If you have benefitted from Grief Tending and would like to find out more about how to hold it in your communities, and to explore the process more deeply, it’s a great place to experiment.

And if you are longing for a taste of the medicine of Grief Tending, I am co-facilitating one and two day Grief Tending workshops with Tony Pletts, Bilal Nasim and Aama Sade. You can find our events here.

05 Dec Lonely at Christmas

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The season of winter festivals may bring celebrations, and it may also be a time of year when loneliness and depression takes hold. If you are feeling lonely and things don’t look bright through your eyes, the pressure to have a good time can isolate further.

There are many reasons to feel unhappy at this time of year. Grief can feel particularly intense in the absence of loved ones, whether through bereavement or estrangement.

Being with family can also be a source of stress. Family dynamics can be complicated and heightened at Christmas. They may be exacerbated by different values or political views, addiction or anxiety. Tensions may be increased with financial pressures that come with expectations of present giving and consumption of seasonal food and drink.

Grief Tending is one way to approach loneliness and find connection in December and January. Creating a variety of ways to find support is also an important element of a Grief Tending practice. It’s something that we encourage people to think about before, during and after a Grief Tending workshop. Find Grief Tending events here. You can read more ways to find support in this article on Dealing With Grief.

Here are a few suggestions of things that may be supportive, but the possibilities are endless. What works for you? Make a list of simple activities that soothe your nervous system. Talk to someone (about anything). It can be a helpful way to shift our brains into a different gear. Make time to chat with that old friend. Watch something that makes you laugh. Are there crafting activities that engage you? Sing in the shower. Take a walk or get your body moving in ways you enjoy. Feel into your pleasure – what sensations will bring you delight? Cook something delicious, just for you. Spray something that smells lovely in your space. Feed the birds. Have a kitchen disco. Schedule an appointment with someone who offers professional support ahead of time.

It can also counter our feelings of aloneness to volunteer or offer our services to someone who needs them. Crisis are sometimes overwhelmed with supporters at this time of year, but there may be a friend or neighbour who could use your attention.

It can also be helpful to prepare so that we have strategies in place to support our mental health and self-care for times we know will be difficult. Plan for small ways to make connections at times we anticipate feeling lonely. Mind is a great source of information for mental health including tips for coping with Christmas. The Samaritans offer a fantastic listening service, for those who need support, and not just at times of extreme difficulty.

05 Dec Welcome at Wayout

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One of the things I have learned through the legacy of Sobonfu Somé’s teachings, is the importance of a warm welcome. Being welcomed in may have been rare in someone’s life, and the simple experience of being unconditionally welcomed can be powerful for those who come to tend grief with us.

WAYout Arts Worldwide, is a small charity dedicated to providing creative skills and opportunities to disadvantaged young people in Sierra Leone.Tony and I have been volunteering at WAYout in Sierra Leone and online throughout the year. You can donate to this brilliant, small but important charity via their Just Giving page here.

When we arrived to begin our work teaching creative skills at the project, we were greeted by a throng of young people singing and dancing. There was even a full drum-kit providing the beat. This was my first proper African welcome, WAYout style. It was the first of three extraordinary, intense (and overwhelming) welcomes we would experience on our trip, followed by two more when we visited their other outposts – WAYout Women’s Media projects.

As a tourist in Sierra Leone, I experienced the inconveniences of intermittent power, dry taps, pollution and limited food choices. I became increasingly aware of the wealth and resources I have access to. My time there has taught me much about the resilience of people who face the daily hardships of homelessness, hunger, unavailability of water on-tap, unemployment, heat and social exclusion.

For many of the people I met, being exiled from families, school, homes and work brings shame. The absence of basic needs being met, as well as trauma histories, often leaves young people with complex issues. However, the students are hungry to learn. Despite being caught in desperate circumstances, they are motivated to seek new opportunities.

Our Grief Tending approach blends African indigenous practices with contemporary understandings of trauma and neuroscience. It is informed by the work of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé of the Dagara Tribe in Burkina Faso.

We believe in giving something back. With gratitude for the African teachings that Tony, Bilal, Aamasade and I have benefitted from, we offer a percentage of the income from our Grief Tending events to support WAYout, as well as giving our time to encourage their creative education projects and dynamic students.

We’d love to invite you to give back too, especially if you have benefitted from our work. You can donate to the project through their Just Giving page here.

31 Oct How to Remember the Dead

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In the northern hemisphere we put our clocks back one hour and turn towards the darkening of winter. The old festival of Samhain – a time to remember the dead, is now marked with acrylic spiders and festoons of tape marked, “Caution, zombies”. I can’t help thinking of ‘Shaun of the Dead’, which for me is a brilliant metaphor for the disconnection or zombification often necessary to tolerate the drudgery of meaningless work in dysfunctional modernity.

Scratch below the surface of the ghoulish costume of Halloween to find the old way of remembering how to honour the dead. Our deep-time nomadic ancestors would have known of the good pasture created where someone was buried along the path. This connection between composting in the dark months to bring new growth in the spring is often misplaced by the temptation to be only with the light.

It can be a helpful way to tend our personal losses by deliberately making a small gesture or ritual to honour those who came before us, in the growing darkness of the season. Pour a drink and put it by a photograph, or set a place at the table for a special meal to acknowledge someone who is no longer with us in person. Decorating a special place or altar can be another way to honour ancestors, perhaps offering oats, incense or flowers. This may include photos of pets, family and friends who have died as well as personal symbols or icons.

And in these times of war, oppression and unrest around the globe, it may feel helpful to light a candle or pour water for all those who have died. It can easily feel overwhelming to hear news from places where violence is ongoing. A small ritual act – like lighting a candle, reading a poem, offering a prayer may help us to face ‘the Sorrows of the World’ if only for a short time.

And if moving towards the festive season brings ominous dates, anniversaries, anxiety or too much time alone, we offer Grief Tending workshops to soothe our souls in community and find connection.