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30 Oct LGBTQ Families – Rainbow Mums’ Stories

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Introducing Rainbow Mums

‘Rainbow Mums’ is a podcast series about LGBTQ+ families, through interviews with gay and bisexual parents. The stories of LGBTQ+ families cover the rich lived experiences of five Mums plus one episode, ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’ where I reflect on queer parenting with Nicholas McInerny, the host of ‘Rainbow Dads’.

Queer Parenting

For me, ‘to queer’ is a creative process where the edge-dwellers are essential, bringing vibrant, playful, unorthodox ways of doing things, looking at things from different perspectives with diverse voices. So, the ‘queering’ of parenting brings many different possibilities. There are many ways of becoming and living as an LGBTQ+ family. Queer Circle offers resources and events in London to explore creative health, including Queer Grief Tending.

Growing Up Gay

Some people come into life gay from the ground up. They may be perceived by themselves and others as different. They may be aware of same sex attraction. Puberty may bring sexuality to the front of their awareness. It may also register in the minds of family and friends and be met with judgement and stigmatisation.

In ‘Maggie’s Story’, the responses to teenage Maggie of those are around are challenging. Maggie speaks about the coming out scene from ‘All of Us Strangers’. In ‘Anjum’s Story’, there is a kinder response from family. Anjum’s journey includes being a lesbian and Muslim. The Naz and Matt Foundation offer support for gay Muslims. The homophobia and racism Anjum experienced outside the family offer reasons to advocate for justice. Galop, the LGBT+ anti-violence charity offers support for survivors of abuse and violence in the UK. If you need support with any aspect of sexuality and gender identity, Switchboard offers a listening ear.

Coming Out

As someone who came out later in life myself, which I talk about in ‘Sarah and Nicholas in Conversation’, I have the luxury of stepping into a queer identity. I am conscious that I am able to do this precisely because of those who stood up against Clause 28, who challenged systemic oppression and struggled for equity and acceptance, civil partnership, and gay marriage. For a review of what came before, check out MJ Barker’s ‘Queer A Graphic History’. To see how LGBTQ+ people supported the miners’ and the political alliances which this inspired, watch ‘Striking With Pride’.

For many, the ‘coming out’ rites of passage – to ourselves, to another, to family, to the outside world, can be huge turning points. I resonate with the awkward teenagers or middle-aged late teenagers, sometimes ambivalent and trying to come to terms with a new identity. There are many resources including zines for people questioning their identity by MJ Barker. Pink Therapy has a directory for those looking for an LGBTQ+ therapist to explore sexuality.

I look back at my own young hapless self, dressing sometimes butch, sometimes femme, seeking the elusive fantasy of same sex pleasure, but not knowing how to go about it. In ‘Emma’s Story’, her young goth self was bolder than me. Emma now hosts her own podcast series ‘Coming Out Stories’.

Sexual Identities

It took me many years to unpick the paradox of the bisexual experience. Bisexuality is often a landscape between a rock and a hard place of neither all heterosexual nor totally gay; often unwelcomed by those at both ends of the Kinsey Scale. The Bisexuality Report offers research on bisexual inclusion.

Misperceptions are often rife, and instead of fully expressing ourselves, we may find ourselves making tough choices to exclude parts of our core make-up. In ‘Sandy’s Story’, we follow her journey to make sense of the complexity of being pansexual and open to all kinds of attraction, while navigating the responsibilities of parenthood.

Once we have a sense of who we are in the world, comes the challenge of finding the other(s) we want to explore sex and relationships with. Our Rainbow Mums are diverse in age, and my sense is that Amy – the youngest, has grown up in a generation which is more open to sex and relationship diversity, than the Rainbow Mum’s who were finding their way in the 80’s and 90’s.

However, as Amy finds out, it is still a challenge when faced with the complex choices that love throws in your path. In ‘Amy’s Story’, the route to polyamory is a twisting tale that takes us across the globe in pursuit of a relationship dynamic that works. Polyamory comes in many forms, is definitely not for everyone, but can offer a way forward for those who wish to experiment with ethical non-monogamy. Amy talks about the classic primer, ‘The Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy. I also recommend ‘Poly Secure’ by Jessica Fern.

Becoming LGBTQ+ Parents

Finding their way through the emotional mine-fields of desire, pleasure and relationships, we follow the Rainbow Mums in and out of partnerships – some of which don’t work out, and others which blossom into lesbian marriages. Either way, parenting continues to be a significant central axis for all of them.

Some gay and bisexual parents begin in heteronormative relationships, where children are conceived and cared for. Most of the Rainbow Dads were parents, and subsequently came out. Sometimes we suspected we were LGBTQ+, and sometimes that has been out of awareness even from ourselves. As we age, our priorities or sexual gearing can change too. For me, the need to be more myself increased with age, after I had spent significant time in a parenting role. It’s not uncommon for the changes of peri-menopause and menopause to also amplify hormonal shifts. Tania Glyde writes about navigating change in queer menopause.

Some bisexual parents may choose to parent together in an opposite sex relationship, as well as pursuing same sex relationships before, concurrently or after. In both ‘Sandy’s Story’, and ‘Amy’s Story’ they parent in relationships with a biological father, alongside other relationships.

For many same sex couples there are choices to be made. For AFAB’s and lesbians there may be a choice of who becomes a biological parent. There may be decisions about routes – such as donor insemination, surrogacy or adoption. These questions may involve choosing a biological father too – a known or unknown donor. There are ethical and personal reasons which a prospective gay couple will have to negotiate. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear some of the considerations for her family.

Then there are roles and names. Who gets to be called ‘Mum’? Are there one or two or more? Not all our Rainbow Mums, including me, are biological parents, but I hear how involved each of them are with the practical and emotional responsibilities of care-giving.

Children in LGBTQ+ Families

In every episode we hear about the unexpected joys of parenthood. It is a vital, often wonderful as well as a tough job, and is generally under-valued by society. In many ways it’s the same whoever you are. Whatever the route to becoming parents, we are delivered with a child that requires attunement, presence, practical support and encouragement. Emma mentions ‘Proud Parents’ who offer support to LGBTQ+ families.

All of the Rainbow Mums I speak to are passionate about and full of love for their children. We may have made choices about how to become parents, but the children that arrive are all unique and come with their own needs and strengths. In ‘Emma’s Story’, we hear about the unexpected life that has unfolded from having a child with Downs Syndrome. Children come with different abilities. For me, the neuro-spicy quality of my family has helped us to adapt to being different from the heteronormative frame, to allow space for each of us to change, grow and flourish.

The values which underpin my relationships and LGBTQ+ family are love, honesty, and a willingness to communicate. I hope that working with these intentions help us to navigate the tricky stuff – the ups and downs when we really need to see the best in eachother and find kind yet honest words.

LGBTQ+ Families

I grew up in a family where things weren’t spoken about without my curious questioning. There were several skeletons in the closet. My father was gay but didn’t begin to come out until he was 60. My own experience was, that on some level I knew, and the lack of direct conversation around the subject was confusing. The multiple masks that family members wore probably contributed to my inner confusion. I had a sense of dissonance, but struggled to work out what was going on beneath the surface.

As a consequence, I prefer to be open, to communicate clearly and in an age appropriate way with young people when necessary. I aim to parent in a way that allows both parent and child to express who they are. And of course, I have made many mistakes, and continue to learn from the younger ones. F F Flag support parents with LGBTQ+ children.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Modern families often include a complex blend of step and half siblings. LGBTQ+ families often create a network of chosen family to provide supportive community around their immediate loved ones. This can be a brilliant resource, with an inter-generational flavour, as ‘Maggie’s Story’ describes, and I value so much in my inter-generational LGBTQ+ family. Family Equality work to advance equality for LGBTQ+ families in the USA.

Solidarity with LGBTQ+ People Around the World

I want to celebrate those who, often in spite of adversity, are able to be themselves and choose the relationships they want. All of these Rainbow Mums risk what comes with visibility, and have chosen to tell their stories, partly because there are many in the world who do not have those choices. Marginalisation and social injustices still happen. There are parts of the world, or cultures where LGBTQ+ families are not welcome, and being gay, lesbian or bisexual may be illegal.

I have the gift of being safe enough, but many are not able to express themselves freely. We offer Rainbow Mums and Dads in solidarity with those who are not able to be out and proud. Some of the organisations that support the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer + people around the world include the Kaleidoscope Trust the Peter Tatchell Foundation and Micro Rainbow.

Listen to ‘Rainbow Mums’ here.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending see www.griefsupport.org.uk .

24 Oct Rainbow Mums

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‘Rainbow Mums – Stories of Gay and Bisexual Parents’ is a podcast. In the series I interview some amazing LGBTQ+ people, who have found ways to be themselves in the world; and who have become parents along the way. How does life work in a LGBTQ+ family?

Each person brings their unique history into the recording studio, along with their different journeys into parenthood. Each Rainbow Mum gave me reasons to celebrate, with a series of vivid impressions, of the chosen families that surround each of them, and the different routes they took to become parents.

Different themes emerge in each conversation, but include navigating homophobia, shame, coming out as a lesbian, the complexity of life as a bisexual or polyamorous person. We also explore some of the joys of LGBTQ+ families such as the advantages of chosen family, acceptance, lesbian marriage, and being proud of our diversity. As well as sexual identity, there are also many different routes into parenthood, and we hear from Rainbow Mums who may or may not also be biological parents.

After the award-winning success of Rainbow Dads, being invited by Executive Producers Richard Shannon and Nicholas McInerny, to host Rainbow Mums, was an honour. The brave folk who came to share their stories were all fascinating; I just had to be curious. This feels particularly powerful in world whether because of fear, shame, political or religious pressures, people are unable to express themselves openly.

Through becoming visible as queer parents, we represent some possibilities of the choices and serendipities, as well as the challenges and triumphs in our lives. Thanks so much to all those LGBTQ families who have helped to make Rainbow Mums, and to those who choose to hear our voices.

Listen to Rainbow Mums here.

Rainbow Mums graphic by Ben Poultney.

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. For more information about Grief Tending events see here.

28 Sep On Working With Grief: A Conversation

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In this video, Max Mora, a bodyworker from Integrated Somatics talks with me – Sarah Pletts, a Grief Tender, about working with grief through the body. Our conversation explores similarities in our understanding of the impact of grief, and our approaches to working with the body.

We tease out the supportive synergy that may happen for someone who has access to both a Grief Tending group process, and more focussed time with a one-to-one bodyworker. Max describes how we both aim to encourage people “at the pace of their nervous system”, when we are working with grief.

As we speak about learning to sit, at ease with emotional discomfort (ours or another’s), Ginger Girl – the cat, makes a guest appearance. She demonstrates the appeal of sitting with two regulated nervous systems. Pets know instinctively how to sit alongside us, to find pleasure when we are calm, and to offer supportive presence when we hurt.

Working with grief in a group, we may discover that “it’s not just me…there’s a magic that happens when we come together.” Max talks of “kind touch”, and how to “meet each other kindly,” as we come into contact with someone who is grieving, and how different that is from the urge to rescue.

We share a similar perspective on creating permission for people to open up and allow whatever is present, without any expectations. Our intention, whether working with grief through Grief Tending or therapeutic touch, is to give space to the whole spectrum of feelings. Working with grief, as Max says, can allow us to “be more fully alive, and able to access joy, to access pleasure and deep belly laughs.” Max goes on to remind us of a very common aversion to the challenge of experiencing grief.

“I want the full technicolour experience of the lovely things, and I’ll have a small version of grieving, because it’s unpleasant.” But we both know, life doesn’t work that way.

You can listen to our conversation here. And find Grief Tending workshops here.

15 Sep ‘Tending Grief’

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Camille Sapara Barton’s ‘Tending Grief’ presents a passionate argument for why Grief Tending spaces are needed in these changing times. It includes a section of embodied exercises to tend grief.

Camille Sapara Barton began to identify the need for tending grief as a young activist and in social justice movements.
“Tending grief can support flexible thinking, conflict resolution, trust building and somatic transformation within groups…”

Camille Sapara Barton describes the route from the collective wounds of colonisation and its legacies to the complexities of systemic trauma that are playing out in global issues today. In order to move from a culture of consumption and exploitation to a culture of care, we need to find our way back.

Tending our grief can help us to make that journey. The route from disconnection with nature, splits between mind and body, action and emotion begin here.
“We need to feel. To slow down and sense what is happening. To grieve and understand what has been lost so that we can begin to assess how to move in a different direction, not simply repeat the behaviors that have led us to this place.”

Building on the approach of the Dagara people – through Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé – who “see regular grief tending as necessary for the health of the community,” Camille Sapara Barton makes the link between untended personal grief, and how that can ripple out to impact our communities.

This book is emotionally intelligent and presents a clear map forward. Camille Sapara Barton weaves their own story and understanding with insights gathered from other writers and teachers. The second half of the book offers a series of practical exercises to explore at home or with a peer group.

I’m really grateful for this book, which is already finding its way to diverse communities of young people facing uncertainty and anxiety in the face of a changing climate, war, systems of harm, and so many other challenges. ‘Tending Grief’ offers both the framework of why we need it, and practical exercises to begin the work of Grief Tending.

If you are ready to tend your grief in a group, you can find more information and events both online and in London here. We also offer Queer Grief Tending at Queer Circle.

The textile in the photograph is an Aboriginal design from Better World Arts.

11 Sep The Wheel of Consent

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During my 30’s I experienced burnout. I became chronically ill, exhausted and overwhelmed. It took eight years to recover. I had some excellent guides on the way, and was lucky enough to make my way through to the other side. It was my own bespoke journey into the underworld, where I was required to transform my patterns of over-giving, dis-connection between my body and mind, and finding ways to express being more myself.

Some really key skills that I needed to learn were to connect up my body with feelings, learn how to set healthy limits, and find out what was pleasurable for me. Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’ is a brilliant tool to figure these things out in a practical way.

Learning how to make boundaries is an essential component of communication and relating. We may need more love in our lives, but learning how we meet each other’s edges is key to risking vulnerability, touch and expressing our needs. I often hear the mantra of ‘more love’ spoken in alternative circles, but I long to hear this coupled with, ‘and healthy boundaries’. (You can learn more about how these two archetypes balance each other in the theory and practice of Healthy Human Culture).

‘The Wheel of Consent’ is also helpful in my role as a group facilitator. I use it with the intention of giving options and permission, so that participants are able to find their agency within the group by staying in contact with their needs.

In a workshop or course exploring ‘The Wheel of Consent’, the process is slowed right down. This helps to break down the nuts and bolts of what happens inside ourselves and with others in interactions where requests and desires may be made implicitly or explicitly. I’ve found it really helpful to understand what we might want, places where we haven’t recognised our needs, and who requests and gifts are for.

I was lucky enough to be the practice body in this online course which you can watch for free here. Rose Jiggens and Rupert Alison teach how to use the Wheel of Consent in a ‘3 Minute Game’. It’s a great place to start if you want to learn more. For a deeper dive into the theory, you can read ‘The Art of Receiving and Giving’, by Betty Martin.

Grief Tending is also a great way to learn how to connect with and express feelings. Find out more here.

04 Sep Grief Tending at Medicine Festival 2024

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Once again Medicine Festival invited Embracing Grief (Sarah & Tony Pletts, Bilal Nasim plus Sophy Banks) to facilitate a grief tending workshop. Unlike our regular workshops, we have the capacity and team for a large number of participants. Year on year there is a more eager crowd to join us. The people who come to the festival tend to be open and seeking transformative experiences.

It seems there is a growing number of people who are ready to be with grief in community. Many are hungry for collective grieving, but don’t know it exists. When they find Grief Tending, they often recognise that it is something they have been longing for.

This year we also held a huge open-air grief ceremony in the ‘Sacred Glade’ at Medicine, and people came ready to express feelings. We designed this as a series of different spaces to move through – from the ‘village’, ‘calling in support’, ‘evoking emotions’, ‘expressing grief’, ‘soothing’ and being ‘welcomed back’. This included crossing thresholds, and spending time at a ‘grief shrine’. The form was informed by big grief rituals held by Sobonfu Somé.

Supported by Aama Sade and drummers, we were able to create an atmosphere of lively song, movement and fun in our make-shift ‘village’. As a vibrant representation of aliveness, this ‘village’ supports the process of expressing grief that is happening simultaneously on the other side of the grass clearing. People can be surprised that during the event they may shift roles from griever to supporter to village member – also moving between sorrow and joy or other contrasting emotions.

These co-existing feelings – love and loss, or in Martín Prechtel’s words, ‘grief and praise’, represent the two wings of the bird, that we often use as a metaphor. We need access to both to be fully alive. As Colin Murray Parkes said,
“The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love…” It is a bitter sweet paradox that grief is necessarily entwined with love.

We hold Grief Tending workshops regularly. You can find our next events here.

03 Sep The Lonely Planet’s Guide to Death, Grief and Rebirth

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‘The Lonely Planet’s Guide to Death, Grief and Rebirth’ by Anita Isalska is a delicious buffet, to inspire the armchair traveller. It shows glimpses into a wide variety of global beliefs, customs and cultures focussing on death and mourning.

Unlike the usual format of a Lonely Planet Guide, this is thematic and informative, without the specific information needed for a trip. It is a delightful feast of colourful images and intriguing facts, like this one.
“A single human cremation produces as much carbon dioxide as an 800km car journey.”

‘The Lonely Planet’s Guide to Death, Grief and Rebirth’ tempts with travel destinations; where fascinating events take place at the end of a life. However, this book is also a provocation to consider how we will face our own end. A visit to Varanasi in India for example may be “a visceral reminder of the ultimate destination of life in a world that prefers to keep mortality from view.” And the book includes wise cautions that death tourism requires respect, sensitivity and serendipity.

For those who have grown up without traditions that feel supportive, there are plenty of other ways of being with loss named here. Different and sometimes more universal possibilities for grieving, and honouring our loved ones are gathered in by Anita Isalska, with an invitation to the possibility of exploring more openness around endings.
“Whether it’s an annual event, a support group or a place of remembrance (a monument or cemetery), being present with others who are experiencing loss can be a powerful way to reduce the loneliness of grieving.

This guide surveys some of the broader faith-based traditions. It also covers some of the practices that are being reimagined for a generation seeking more conscious ways to mourn; such as keening in Ireland and the re-emergence of death doulas.

In the contemporary grief theory of ‘Continuing Bonds’ (Klass, Silverman and Nickman) in which it is normal to have an ongoing relationship with deceased loved ones, modern psychology is playing catch up with “Mexico’s flourishing death culture”. And in Madagasca where “the natural instinct to communicate with, and care for, the dead can find expression and relief.” A relationship with ancestors “where loving bonds remain strong even after death,” is integral to many of the cultures in the book.

So many of the funerary practices described link both the past to present and the dead to the living in ways that help us to recognise we are all inescapably part of the cycle of life…and death. This book will be both food for thought as well as food for our ‘wise and well ancestors’.

Grief Tending in community, (which doesn’t get a mention in the book) is informed by the old ways of the Dagara Tribe in Burkina Faso. Find Grief Tending events happening in the UK, and online. They can also be found in many places around the world.

03 Sep It’s OK That You’re Not OK

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Megan Devine’s excellent book ‘It’s OK Not to be OK‘, tells how it is to grieve in a culture that avoids talking about death. She speaks plainly about the experience of sudden traumatic loss, and what may be behind the facade we show in public.

“No matter what anyone says, this sucks. What happened cannot be made right.”

‘It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok’ is also a primer for those who want to know how to navigate grief, and how to be with someone who is grieving. Megan Devine’s voice is refreshing. She speaks out in praise of “telling the truth about grief.” She makes clear the “wider cultural sweep of grief illiteracy”, and what we need to face, both personally, and more widely to bring about change.

In addition to the impacts that cause grief, other people’s mis-perceptions, and anxiety add insult to injury. This book invites us to look more closely at what’s behind the acceptable face of bereavement.

“Because we don’t talk about the reality of loss, many grieving people think that what’s happening to them is strange, weird, or wrong.” In addition to the grief stories Megan Devine listens to as a therapist, she also hears, “how painful it is to be judged, dismissed and misunderstood.”

The consequences of a pain-phobic culture results in widespread avoidance from facing global issues as well as personal situations, to our detriment. The argument that Megan Devine presents as our collective disconnect is essential to address for the wider good.

I would argue that Grief Tending in community is one of many much-needed antidotes. However, if being in a group process feels unmanageable at the moment, ‘It’s OK That You’re Not OK’ is a book that offers some practical ways to survive. She encourages us to look for support, and explore creative expression to tend to grief, rather than look for solutions to fix it.

One of the questions that people often ask is, “What should you say to someone who’s grieving?” The final section of the book presents a verbal took kit to answer that question. Whether you want to understand more about our systemic discomfort with grief, are dealing with loss and need a role-model, or want to learn the skills to be a better companion to those who grieve, this is a brilliant read.

Find Grief Tending events in London and online here, where we work with our own feelings in response to loss, change and absence, together in a group.

03 Sep Braiding Sweetgrass

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In ‘Braiding Sweetgrass’, Robin Wall Kimmerer weaves together a practical understanding of indigenous teachings with environmental science, and stories of parenting. Her eye as a biologist, love and respect for plant, creature, and place meet her heart as a mother living through challenging times.

Recognising the richness of her heritage, (she is a member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation), she invites us to grasp what has been lost through the deliberate repression and separation of Indigenous American people from their children in former generations, and what is now being reclaimed.

The stories in ‘Braiding Sweetgrass’, both handed down, re-told, and told anew, with her fresh perspective show the importance of living in right-relationship with land and the more-than-human world. The profound knowledge learned from nature is not exclusively for Shamans. This book reveals a way to experience deeply through observation, paying attention and inquiry. I was enchanted.

As I read this book, the significance of the ‘Honourable Harvest’ – taking only what you need – sunk in deeper as I foraged for berries, leaving half for other creatures and regeneration. This is book written with beautiful words that drew me in through descriptions of relatable encounters with nature. The sweet and sour of her insights make me look more closely as I step through the forest, nestle my feet in moss, watch rain-drops. I will drizzle maple syrup with a new reverence.

She does not shy away from these changing times:
“If grief can be a doorway to love, then let us all weep for the world we are breaking apart so we can love it back to wholeness again.” I am left feeling inspired and hopeful that we may learn to live in wise community with others of all species.

You can find Grief Tending events, which foster connection with nature and each other here.

03 Sep The Last Ecstasy of Life

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Anam-Áire means one who cares for the soul. ‘The Last Ecstasy of Life – Celtic Mysteries of Death and Dying’, written by Phyllida Anam-Áire describes her approach to doing just this. She offers gentle guidance for those at the end of life, from her experience of sitting with the dying. She is now a therapist and author.

I have participated with Phyllida online, heard the music in her speech, and seen her gentle encouragement of people. She grew up in Ireland, became a nun, and then took a more mystic path away from the Catholic Church. She moved to Northern Ireland, worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and developed her practice. She now lives in Scotland. Reading the words on the page, I hear her brogue, remember her assured presence.

Here she offers a metaphysical perspective steeped in the old Celtic ways, known as the ‘Cauldron of Brigid’. She teaches both living fully and dying consciously. Her very particular flavour weaves her understanding of life and death, in spiritual language with wise guidance and visualisations. She focuses on the energetic non-visible processes as death comes near.

Phyllida Anam-Áire encourages the reader to attend to their inner work, to process grief in order to live well ahead of our dying days. Key to this is the Celtic vision of the ‘Universal Heart’. Once we have found self-compassion, we can access a wider compassionate experience of love. She says “This opening into grief is the most important part of recognising the presence of the Universal Heart for, like joy, which cohabits with grief, it is always there, awaiting the unveiling and expressing of grief to reveal its presence.”

I like the emphasis she places on reclaiming our shadow parts and finding self-compassion; looking at our own grief and fears in order to become a non-judgmental compassionate witness to others. ‘The Last Ecstasy’ of the title is also a reclamation of the potential of shame-free pleasure in the body, and as a transformational framing of both birth and death.

Find Grief Tending events with Sarah and Tony Pletts and the Embracing Grief team coming up here.